


Yours, Always

by twdsunshine



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-06-15 04:12:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 68,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15404706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsunshine/pseuds/twdsunshine
Summary: When a kind stranger comes to the reader’s aid out on the road, she finds herself drawn to him and desperate to learn more about this handsome man with kind eyes and a devilish smile.  But, when she discovers that he is the monster that is threatening her community, she pushes him out of her mind until a hastily scribbled letter finds its way to her door.  That simple note will take them both on a rollercoaster ride that neither one of them had bargained for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This entire series has been inspired by a request sent in by @negans-wife on Tumblr. I know she was expecting a one-shot, but, because she’s freakin’ amazing, when I asked her if I could expand on it for a series, she said yes!
> 
> ‘Negan shows up for his “half your shit” tour for the first time at Alexandria. Reader heard about that “Monster” and how he killed 2 of her people she didn’t really know but she spottes Negan and he spottes her. And Negan tries to get to know her … first they write letters to each other and Dwight is the secret Postman who comes every week to bring a letter for the reader from Negan and … and gets the letter from her to give it to Negan … secret meetings in a near village with a lot of fluff and one day he decides to bring her to the Sanctuary Readers and Negans POV and the cute letters’

You were miles from anywhere.  The sun beat down on the roof of the truck, turning the cab into an oven, and you shrugged off your shirt, using it to dab the sweat from your face and chest, before turning the key in the ignition, listening to the engine wheeze and splutter before it shuddered, once again, into silence. You’d pulled into the forecourt of the gas station, old habits motivating you to get off the road when the vehicle had started to struggle, its low growl even more guttural than usual, and now it had given up the ghost entirely.  You were stranded.  

‘Dammit.’

You pushed open the door and slipped from your seat, your boots kicking up a cloud of dust as they hit the ground.  An upended vending machine lay beside the nearest pump, and you paced over to it, hoping it might contain some water or soda, anything that might give you a little hydration, but it was empty.  You aimed a kick at it, cursing yourself when the metal clang split the air, and held your breath, listening for the tell-tale groans of nearby walkers.  Silence.  Not even the dead ventured this far into the back of beyond it seemed.

You had an old shoelace tied around your wrist, and you unlooped it now, scooping your hair up into a high ponytail and securing it with a scruffy bow, waiting for a whisper of breeze to cool the back of your neck, but the air was still.  You let out a loud sigh.  It was not your day.

Solo runs were not your forte, you’d be the first to admit that.  You were quick and you could fight as well as anyone, but you liked the security that came from having others around.  In the past, you would have chosen to team up with Glenn, or maybe Daryl, depending on his mood, but…  You blinked quickly, forcing back the tears that welled up at the mere thought of the names of your comrades.  They were gone now, both of them.  Glenn dead, and Daryl taken.  Your community was in crisis, under threat by a group that called themselves the Saviors, and you were terrified.  

You hadn’t been there when it happened, and you were thankful for that.  You weren’t sure you could have coped with the sheer bloody violence of it, and you were glad you didn’t have to relive it every night as you were sure Rick did.  But Aaron had described it to you in such gory detail that you could still picture it, and it made you feel sick.  So now, here you were, out scavenging alone so you could have something, anything, to offer Negan when he showed up at your gates in a few days time.  

You turned your attention back to the truck, pushing your loneliness to the back of your mind, though it occurred to you that had Daryl been there, he would have had the damn engine running quick as anything.  Since his group had joined the Safe Zone, they’d taught you so much, but, unfortunately, autoshop was never on the lesson plan.  The hood was warm under your fingers as you unlatched it and eased it upwards, staring down in to the workings of the engine as if you might have a clue what to do to revive it.  You reached in to poke around, in case there should be something obvious like a leak that you could clearly see, but your hand collided with burning hot metal and you drew it back with a strangled gasp.  ‘Shit.’  

You knew there was nothing for it but to start walking, making sure to pay attention to your route, just in case anyone back home should want to come out and have a go at fixing the truck themselves.  The engine was now making a low hissing sound, and you glared at it, unimpressed, as you prepared yourself for the journey.  You grabbed your shirt from the drivers seat, knotting it around your waist, and slung the pack that had been stowed in the passenger footwell over your shoulder.  You could feel your gun snug against your hip in its holster, but you hadn’t brought too much ammo with you.  The group hadn’t had a lot to spare.  Slamming the door shut with more force than was strictly necessary, you decided you might as well check out the building to see if there were any supplies to be had before you headed off, knowing it was going to be slow progress if you didn’t find something to drink.  You’d drained the last dregs from your water bottle a few miles back, expecting to be home before long, but obviously that wasn’t going to happen now, and the sun was relentless.

You were behind the counter, exploring the shelves under the cash register when the sound of engines in the distance caught your attention, and you dropped into a low crouch, staying out of sight as they got closer.  The vehicles sounded heavy, and there were more than one of them from what you could tell, but you daren’t risk trying to sneak a peek and revealing your position.  If the run in with the Saviors had taught you anything, it was that people in the Apocalypse couldn’t be trusted.  Your fingers went instinctively to your gun, and you slid it from its holster, feeling slightly safer as you cradled the weight of it to your chest, waiting for the threat to pass.  You heard one engine rumble past, then another, and another, and then, just as you were about to draw breath and thank God that they hadn’t paid your truck any mind, the creak of old, tired brakes alerted you that you were no longer alone.  

You edged close to the window, pushing yourself upwards a few millimetres at a time until you could see through the glass, squinting through the dirt to make out the car that had pulled up, blocking the exit from the forecourt.  As you watched, a tall figure climbed out, leaving the door open as he strolled over to your truck and peered inside.  He looked almost too comfortable, as he cast a cursory glance over in the direction of the building where you were currently hiding, sliding his leather jacket from his shoulders and tossing it to the floor, before raising the hood and disappearing from view.

It was becoming increasingly apparent that he was alone, and that meant that you had a pretty good chance of taking him in a fight, especially with your pistol at the ready.  You weighed up your options for a moment, but staying put for much longer would mean that you wouldn’t make it back before dark, and that was a risk you weren’t willing to take.  Keeping low, you crept out from behind the register, ducking between the shelves, determined to keep the element of surprise as you made for the door.

You could see from there that the man was still working, bent over the engine, his tight white t-shirt plastered to his body, in a way that might have been distracting if you weren’t in your current predicament.  You reached for the handle, pushing yourself to your feet and gritting your teeth as the door swung open with a deafening squeal, your gun raised as you stepped over the threshold.

You weren’t sure what reaction you’d been expecting, but the easy smile that greeted you wasn’t it.  The man was wiping his hands on his jeans, his t-shirt streaked with oil and grease as he walked towards you.  ‘Shit, doll, you scared the fuck outta me.  That your truck?’

You nodded, keeping your finger poised over the trigger as he moved closer, quirking an eyebrow in acknowledgement at your position of power.  ‘Alright, I get it.  You’ll shoot me if I try anything, right?  Gotta love a gal who knows how to protect herself.  Seriously, you are scary as shit, but I think I’ve got that old rustbucket running if you wanna give it a try.’

You took your eyes off him for a second, glancing at the truck, unsure how to proceed now.  From what you could see he was unarmed, and, honestly, you really didn’t feel like walking for miles with no food or water, and only a few hours until the sun set.  

‘Hey, I’ll take off if you want me to, but if you turn that engine over and it dies again, well, I think I might be of some use to you, sweetheart.’  When you still didn’t lower the weapon, he sighed, raising his hands in front of him in a gesture of defeat.  ‘Decision’s yours.’

You hesitated for a beat longer, before letting the gun fall to your side, exhaling loudly as you waited for him to react.  His gaze had followed the pistol, but now it flicked back to yours and his face lit up with a smile.  He was handsome, you had to admit it.  The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, and the dimples in his cheeks, the salt and pepper stubble that covered his chin.  He emanated a warmth that seemed to be drawing you in, and you felt instinctively that he wasn’t a threat to you.

‘So, you think you got it going?’

‘Yeah.  I won’t bore you with the fucking details, but I tightened a thing and loosened a thing, and I reckon it’ll get you home, wherever home is.’

‘No home.’  You answered quickly, maybe too quickly, but no matter how drawn you felt to this stranger, the last thing Alexandria needed were more people turning up on their door step.  ‘Just drifting, really.’

‘Really?’  His eyes were roaming up your body, from your boots to the top of your head, and you knew he was taking in the relatively clean state of your clothes and hair, coated only in a day’s worth of grime.  A drifter wouldn’t have the time or facilities to do laundry, but he didn’t question it, just nodded and turned back towards the truck, waiting for you to fall into step beside him.  ‘You aren’t scared out here, all on your own?’

‘I can take care of myself.’

‘Oh, I don’t doubt that, kitten.’  He opened the door for you and waited for you to swing yourself up into the seat.  ‘Just sounds a little fucking lonely, that’s all.’

‘I prefer my own company.’

‘So, if I told you that I had a place-‘

‘Not interested.’  You shut him down straight away, and you could see by the smirk that twisted up the corner of his mouth that he was amused by you.  ‘Let’s do this.’

You turned the key, and the engine roared to life first time.  The man’s laugh was a deep rumble as you whooped and punched the air, leaning on the steering wheel and gazing up at him as he leant his forearms against the roof. ‘Thank you, seriously.  I owe you.’

‘What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a damsel in distress.’  The smile was back, and you almost wished it wasn’t, as butterflies were awakening in your stomach and you could feel your cheeks flushing as he winked at you.  

‘You didn’t know I was a damsel when you started working on this thing,’ you countered, earning yourself another of those laughs, and you tightened your grip on the steering wheel as he rubbed his hand over his beard, shaking his head at your audacity.  

‘Well, I guess that’s true.  But if you’d been a guy coming outta there with a gun pointed at my head, I probably woulda just killed you and taken your shit.’

That, in hindsight, should have been your first warning sign, but you brushed it off, taking it as the standard end-of-the-world black humour that most humans seemed to have adopted, and giggling as he bent to retrieve his jacket from the ground, shaking it to loosen the dust that clung to the black leather before shrugging it on and adjusting the collar.

‘Well, thanks again.’  You reached out a hand to shake his, taken aback when he took it and lowered his head to brush his lips against your knuckles, sending a shiver through you when his chocolate brown eyes met yours.  Honestly, you were intrigued by this stranger that had come to your rescue, and a small part of you wanted to sit there and talk to him until it grew too dark to see that devastating smile, but you knew it wasn’t the time or the place.

‘You take care, doll.’  He pushed your door shut, and you rested your elbow on the open window as you watched him turn and walk away.  ‘I’ll watch out for you if I pass by here again.’

 

* * *

 

Negan put his foot down as he peeled out of the forecourt, pushing the piece of shit car to its limit as he sped to catch up with his convoy.  What the hell was he thinking?  Wasting time stopping to help a little girl with nothing to offer him?  She didn’t even have a community he could offer the Saviors’ services to, so really he’d got nothing out of the whole thing except a warmth inside of him that told him it had been the right thing to do.  It had been a long time since he’d felt that certain about any of his actions, if he was honest with himself, and it gave him a much-needed boost as he navigated the twisting country lanes.

He wished now that he’d asked her name, tried to find out a bit more about her, maybe pushed a little harder about getting her to go back with him to the Sanctuary.  He was positive he would have been able to find a role for her there that would suit her down to the ground, and maybe him too, he thought as his imagination took over and he pictured her in a little black dress that danced around the tops of her thighs and hugged her curves.  There was something about her he liked, and it wasn’t just shape of her figure, on full display in the summer heat, or the wrinkle of her nose when she smiled.  Nah, there was something else he couldn’t place, but trying to kept him occupied as he found his trucks waiting in a layby a few miles ahead and passed them, waving to them to fall in behind as he continued on his journey.  

No point dwelling on it now.  He had work to do, a whole damn town to bring under his control, and a potential uprising to quash.  He’d known as soon as he’d seen the glimmer of rage in Rick the prick’s eyes that he would become a first-class pain in the ass, and he was proving a point by showing up early.  He was their boss now.  They answered to him, and he was determined to make that real damn clear today.  This wasn’t the half-your-shit collection that they were expecting.  He was going to take everything but the bare essentials they needed to survive, and he was going to do it with a smile on his face and Lucille in his hand.  He cast a loving glance at the baseball bat that lay on the seat beside him, her barbed wire glinting in the sunlight, making her look real pretty and ready to do some damage.  Hell, if Rick gave him that nasty side-eye again, she might just get a little taste of blood before the day was out.

A couple of miles out from the complex, he pulled the car over, jogging over to the trucks idling behind him and hauling himself up into the passenger seat of the one at the front of the line.  Always better to have a getaway car nearby in case anything should go wrong.  It wouldn’t take many, but it’d get him the hell out of dodge if need be, and really, that was all that mattered.

‘Let’s go!’  He brought his fist down on the dash and the engine gave a low growl as the truck lurched forward, and they were on the move again.

As the fences of Alexandria came in to view, he couldn’t help but let out a low huff of appreciation.  Hell, it was quite something.  He could see the roofs of houses, actual houses, over the tall iron panels, and he couldn’t help but compare it to the ugly concrete factory he called home.

As the trucks rumbled to a halt, he was the first out and on the ground, his boots thudding against the earth, as he sauntered up to the gate and drew Lucille along its metal rungs.  ‘Little pig, little pig, let me in!’

It was a shit show.  The guy on gate duty didn’t have a damn clue who he was, and when Negan had to take down a walker to ensure the community’s safety, he didn’t even get a damn thank you.  His anger was growing by the second, and Rick’s southern drawl was working on his last nerve.  Oh, hell yes, he was going to show this group who owned their asses.  

He shoved Lucille into Rick’s hands, watching the look of shock spread over his face as he stared down at the weapon.  'Hold this,’ he instructed, as he surveyed the neighbourhood, greedily calculating just what he could take from this little patch of suburbia.  ‘Hot diggity dog!  This place is magnificent!  An embarrassment of riches, as they say.  Yes, sir, I do believe you are gonna have plenty to offer up.’

He saw the moment that Rick registered Daryl’s presence, knew the second he saw the recognition flash across his eyes that he was gonna do something damn stupid.  'Daryl, hey-’

'No.’  Negan’s interruption was booming and severe.  'Nope.  He’s the help.  You don’t look at him, you don’t talk to him, and I don’t make you chop anything off of him.  Same goes for everyone, right?’

His rant was interrupted by the sound of an engine approaching, but the vehicle was shielded by his trucks, until it pulled around them and in through the gate.  A beat-up old truck with steam rising from beneath the hood.   _No fucking way._

The driver’s door creaked open, and he watched as the girl from the gas station slid to the ground, her eyes immediately seeking Rick before moving to land on him, her pretty mouth falling open as she struggled to keep her composure.

‘Well, what do we have here?’  Oh, Negan wanted to hurt her.  She’d lied to him, that much was obvious, taken advantage of his good nature, but damn, there was just something about her.  She’d recovered now, staring him down as he smirked at her, her own anger mirroring his as she rested her hands on her hips, millimetres from her holstered gun.  ‘What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this, huh, doll?  I’m Negan.  It sure is nice to meet you.’


	2. Chapter 2

Humiliation.  It had washed over you in a wave as soon as you’d registered Negan standing beside Rick when you’d climbed from the truck.  Your savior, the man you’d been wondering about the whole ride home, picturing his smile, the way his muscles had shifted beneath his thin t-shirt as it had clung to his sweat-slicked skin.  You’d been kicking yourself for not finding out more about him, the kind stranger that had taken the time to ensure that you were okay, and now, here he was, not more than an hour later, terrorising your community.  So, this was the monster that had taken Glenn and Abe from you so cruelly, that was holding Daryl hostage to ensure your compliance with his demands.  Even now, as his eyes roamed over you, a shit-eating grin painted over his features, you felt those damn butterflies start up again, and you wished you could stick them with pins, anything to still their fluttering wings.  His comment about killing you if you’d been a guy and taking your shit had been wholly sincere, you realised now.  You had been lucky to escape with your life, and now he knew that you’d lied to him.

‘What’s your name, sweetheart?’  He was stalking towards you, entering your personal space until you were backed up against the door of the truck, unable to tear your gaze away from his as his tongue snaked out to wet his bottom lip.  ‘Come on now, no need to be shy.  We’re all friends here, right, Rick?’

You saw the sheriff flinch in your peripheral vision, and swallowed hard, forcing yourself to speak.  ‘Y/N.’

‘Really?’  His smile was vaguely reminiscent to the one he’d graced you with at the gas station, but this time it didn’t reach his eyes, making him look cold and callous.  ‘I think I knew a Y/N once, way back when. She was a goddamn liar!  Funny how things work out.’

He span on his heel and walked away, giving you pause to take a breath, before he called out over his shoulder.  ‘Keep up, kitten, you’re giving me the grand fucking tour!’

Walking the streets of Alexandria with Negan was a strange and nerve-wracking experience.  His long-limbed lope had you scurrying to keep pace with him, and every so often, his hand would brush yours, sending a frisson of electricity shooting through you.  Try as you might, you couldn’t stop yourself from sneaking sideways glances at him, taking in the long dark lashes that framed his eyes as they swept along the row of houses that his Saviors were stripping of luxuries, the dimples that appeared when he grinned at the finds they were carrying down the porch steps.  Despite the loathing that the knowledge of his identity had stirred up in you, you couldn’t deny that there was something magnetic about him, drawing you in so that you couldn’t move away when his fingers ghosted over the small of your back, guiding you towards one of the smaller homes towards the rear of the Safe Zone that was, as yet, unoccupied.

‘Rick, you’re gonna stay here for a minute while me and Y/N go inside and have a chat.’

‘Over my dead body.’  The sheriff, whose watery gaze had been glued to your back as he followed you bristled at the order, his grip on the baseball bat tightening as though he might actually decide to step up and use it.  ‘I’m coming with you.’

‘Three’s a crowd, prick!’  Negan didn’t even bother to entertain the other man’s posturing, simply throwing a wink at you as he motioned for you to move ahead of him, across the garden and up to the front door.

‘Y/N-‘  Rick’s voice was afraid, and you found an ounce of the respect that you’d previously held for him slipping away as he stood and watched you leave.

‘It’s okay,’ you reassured him with a small nod, before stepping inside as Negan pushed open the door.  It would have to be.  No one was coming to your rescue.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Negan’s hands found your shoulders, shoving you against the wall with an alarming amount of force, and you winced as your back collided with the cool surface.  His face was millimetres from yours, his eyes burning with irritation.

‘I bet you think you’re really fucking smart, don’t you?  You should know, doll, lies always catch up to you when I’m around, and I will shut that shit down quick as anything, do you understand?’

‘I-I didn’t even know who you were!’  You were struggling to find your voice with him so close to you that you could smell the mint on his breath and the heady leather scent of his jacket, but you drew yourself up straight, forcing yourself to keep your cool.  ‘It isn’t like we exchanged names.’

‘Really?  Fucking excuses?  Shit, you really are a little mini-Rick, aren’t you?  What?  He brainwash the lot of you into being spineless little pricks like him, is that it?’

‘I’m nothing like Rick,’ you spat the words, and you saw his eyebrows quirk upwards, just for a second, as he registered the disdain in your voice.

‘Are you sure about that, sweetheart?  ‘Cause you seem to be making the same stupid shitty decisions as he has, trying to undermine me!’

‘I didn’t know you had authority to undermine!  For all I knew you were just a crazy psycho loner looking for a little company!  You had the look down.’  You cocked your head to one side in a challenge, riled up by the way he was speaking to you.

‘That’s funny,’ he smirked, but his eyes remained dark and dangerous.  ‘I should drag your ass back to the Sanctuary and lock you in a cell ‘til you realise what a mistake it is to try to get one over on me, princess.’

‘So, why don’t you?’

‘What?’

‘Why don’t you?’  You were breathing hard now, your face flushed as you stared him down.  ‘It’s not like anyone here’s gonna stop you, so stop making pointless threats and do something.’

The air between you was thick with tension, and for a moment you weren’t sure if he was about to punch you or kiss you, but then he pushed himself away from you with a harsh bark of laughter, rubbing his hand over his beard and shaking his head.  ‘Shit.’

You watched as he paced back and forth, pausing now and then to shoot you disbelieving looks, before shaking his head again and continuing to walk the narrow hallway.  ‘Negan,’ you murmured eventually, waiting for him to drift to a halt in front of you.  ‘I’m sorry I lied.  I really didn’t know who you were.’

‘I know.’  His gaze raked over your face, and you saw his expression soften as he took in the anxiety painted over your features.  His hand crept up to tuck a loose strand of hair back behind your ear, burning your skin where his fingers brushed over your cheek, and you swallowed hard, waiting to see what he would do next as he took another step towards you.  ‘Just don’t let that shit happen again.  I can’t let it slide twice, and I don’t want…’  He tailed off, and you couldn’t read the look that flashed over his face.  ‘Shit.’

You both jumped when the front door flew open, springing apart, and Negan’s gaze turned icy as he took in the Savior standing there, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot as his eyes flickered between the two of you.  ‘Sorry, boss.  Didn’t realise you were in here.  This is the last house left to hit.’

‘Then get to it,’ Negan ordered, and the man squeezed between you and thudded up the stairs where you could hear him shifting furniture about and rummaging in drawers.

‘He won’t find anything,’ you muttered.  ‘Place has been empty for as long as I’ve been here.’

‘Is that right?’

You nodded, but that smirk was back and it was playing havoc with your emotions.  Fear, lust, intrigue all fought for dominance in your mind as his fingers crept up to cup your chin and raise your head to meet his intense stare.  ‘And I’m supposed to, what, take your fucking word for it?’  He shook his head, tutting loudly.  ‘Shit, doll, what do you take me for?’

With that, he turned towards the open door and left, leaving you feeling strangely bereft at his absence.

 

* * *

 

She’d been telling the truth.

The chair in Negan’s office squeaked in protest as he threw himself into it, leaning back and resting his feet on the desk.  He ran his hands through his hair, tousling the slicked back lengths and letting out a grunt of frustration.  He’d had his Saviors turn that damn house upside down, and, just as she’d said, there’d been nothing worth having to be found.  So, she’d learned her lesson then.  That had been easy.  Anyone else he would’ve used to set an example, dragging them back to the Sanctuary to become a worker (or a wife, depending on their qualities) or, if it was a man, beating the holy hell out of him, but not her.  God, she’d driven him crazy, all blazing indignation as she’d told him to just do it, to punish her, and man, he’d wanted to.  But something had stopped him.

What was it?  Just as he had after their encounter at the gas station, he racked his brains, picturing her face, trying to figure out what it was about her that left him dumbstruck, unable to act and be the fucking leader that he usually had no problem stepping up to be.  Sure, she was a pretty little thing, all big eyes and infectious smile, curves exactly where he liked them, but that had never stopped him before.  His wives were hot as hell, but he’d still do what he needed to to get their asses in line if it was required. There was just something about her that spoke to him, called to him.  If he’d heard that coming out of the mouth of one of his men, he’d have balled him out for being a soppy sack of shit, but he couldn’t describe it any other way.

It was the way she’d come out of the gas station with that gun pointed at his head without even a slight tremble to her fingers.  He was sure as shit that she’d have taken him down in a heartbeat had he tried anything, and he liked that, a woman who could take care of herself.  He liked how that initial fear and uncertainty had melted into an easy smile as he won her over with his pretty questionable mechanical skills and natural charm.  And he liked the balls it had taken to face him as she rolled up in Alexandria to find him there, taking what he was owed.  No quivering bottom lip and crocodile tears from this girl, no sir.  She felt like an equal, like somebody worthy of his time and respect, and as much as he tried to fight it, he had a desperate urge to know her.

He tried in vain to push her to the back of his mind, but her name kept falling from his lips, rolling off of his tongue as though he could taste her in its syllables, and the paperwork in front of him blurred into visions of her staring up at him as he pinned her against the wall, which in turn led into more graphic imaginings of what else he could have done to her under those circumstances.  What would she have done, he wondered, if he’d given in to his impulses and kissed her?  Would she have screamed?  Slapped him?  Run?  Or would she have melded that cute little body to his, gripping at his shoulders as he toyed with her?  A shiver ran through him at the thought, and he tossed the inventories aside, laying his palms flat on his desk as he thought through his next move.

A scrap of paper lay before him on the polished wood, and he reached for a pen, resting the end between his lips as he tried to find the words that would pique her interest instead of scaring her away.  He wasn’t good at this shit – he could talk the talk, sure, but his overall victory was won with a combination of the right words, small touches and a seductive purr.  Ink on paper was a whole different ballgame.  Still, it was all he had, so he bent his head and began to write.

When he was done, he read it over, his brow creasing when he found that it sounded all wrong and not at all as he’d intended, but he figured it’d end up in the trash or on a fire before long anyways, so he scrawled his name across the bottom and pressed the button on his walkie talkie, sending an order out over the airwaves.  ‘Dwightyboy, get your ass up to my office.  I’ve got a job for you.’


	3. Chapter 3

You could feel beads of sweat forming on the back of your neck and trickling down between your shoulder blades as you stood atop the platform that looked out over the front fence of the Safe Zone.  So far, your shift on guard duty had been uneventful and you were beginning to wilt in the intense heat of the afternoon.  You pulled your battered baseball cap down lower over your eyes, squinting out at the dusty road that remained clear of any sort of threat.  You weren’t entirely sure what purpose keeping watch served anymore anyway, if you were entirely honest.  Negan and his men had taken all of your guns, so, as a first line of defence, all you could really do was scream and shout to alert people to their potentially imminent demise. 

It had been a couple of days since Negan’s visit, and you found yourself feeling, for perhaps the first time, increasingly vulnerable.  It wasn’t just that the community had lost some of its strongest fighters – Abe and Glenn dead, Daryl taken, and Maggie and Sasha holed up at the Hilltop – and that the others had been left reeling by the events of that nightmarish experience in the woods, it was more personal.  Your exchange with Negan had left you feeling shaken and out of sorts, as had your inability to push him from your mind.  He had a tendency to drift into your thoughts when it was least appropriate, when discussing potential routes for supply runs with Rick and Aaron, or babysitting Judith, or inventorying the few weapons you had left with Rosita.  That devilish smile did crazy things to your insides, and you were both dreading and eager for the next time your paths crossed.  You hated yourself for the way your pulse began to race as you pictured him leaning over you, his breath ghosting over your face as he bit out his harsh warning.  The fear of what he was capable of only added to the exhilaration, and that felt twisted somehow, as though you’d been corrupted by the darkness of this world that you were forced to live in.  If you’d met Negan back in the real world, you wondered, before the dead started walking and everything fell apart, would you still feel this drawn to him?  You guessed you’d never know.

Caught up in your thoughts, you didn’t notice the car that was speeding along the road until it was almost at the gate, and you let out a shout of warning as the brakes sent a cloud of dust into the air.  When nobody appeared, you climbed down from your post, and dragged the first layer of metal bars back, so you could address your visitor.  Since they appeared to be alone and alive, you figured you were safe enough.

A lean, straggly-haired man with a gruesome scar that marred one side of his face had climbed from the vehicle and was leaning on the hood, waiting to be let in.  You knew immediately that he was one of Negan’s men, could tell by the waves of confidence that were rolling off of him, and you thought perhaps you recognised him from the previous visit, though your attention had been so fixated on the boss that you couldn’t say for certain.  His eyes were raking over you as you slid back the second layer of defence to grant him access, though your fingers went automatically to the knife at your waist as he pushed himself upright and strolled towards you.

‘You’re one of Negan’s guys?’

He nodded, proffering his hand which you took, shaking it firmly.  ‘Name’s Dwight.’

‘Y/N.’  You saw recognition flash across his face, and a crooked smile quirked up the corner of his mouth as he nodded slowly.

‘Sure you are.’  He shook his head, dropping his gaze to his boots as he scuffed the heel into the dirt, before glancing back up at you.  ‘Officially, I’m here to keep an eye on things, check that everyone’s contributing towards the next collection.’

‘And unofficially?’  You’d picked up on the edge to his tone, his careful wording, and could already tell that there was more to this than met the eye.

‘Unofficially, I’m here to deliver a letter.’  He drew a crumpled sheet of paper from his shirt pocket and held it out, gesturing for you to take it.  ‘I think this is for you.’

You reached out retrieve it, holding it at arm’s length as though it might burst into flames.  As the page fell open, you could see a neat black italic script flowing from edge to edge, and your heart skipped a beat as you took in the name signed at the bottom.  ‘What is this?’

‘Hell if I know.’  Dwight shrugged.  ‘I’m just glad I found you first.  I had no clue how I was gonna work out who to give it to without giving the game away.’

‘I don’t…’  You tailed off, unsure what you were supposed to say, but Dwight was shaking his head, holding his hands up in front of him to silence you.

‘It’s none of my business.   Look, I’m gonna keep myself busy here for about an hour, so if you’re gonna reply, you need to do it quick.’  He handed over a clean sheet of paper and a pen that he’d pulled from the back pocket of his jeans.  ‘He sent these too, just in case.’

You could only nod, struck dumb by this unexpected turn of events, and he moved past you into the compound, turning back to see you still staring at the letter in your hand. 

‘So, is Rick around?’

‘Right, yes, sorry.’  You took a deep breath, pulling yourself together and hauling the gate across behind him, securing the community again.  ‘I’ll take you to him.’

 

* * *

_You were right.  That’s not something I say to other people very often, I can tell you that.  But you were right in that house today.  I should’ve punished you for lying.  It’s what any good leader would do, and I am the best fucking leader.  I use people like you to set an example, and I should have dragged you back here and locked your ass up until I was ready to find a use for you._

_Shit, that probably isn’t the best way to start this letter.  In fact, it’s probably the worst fucking way to say what I’m trying to say.  What I’m trying to say is that, even though I should’ve done that, and I sure as hell wanted to, I didn’t.  I couldn’t.  And I don’t know why._

_There’s something about you, doll.  I can’t put my finger on what it is, but I can’t get you out of my damn head.  Since I saw you at the gas station, with your gun pointed at my head and that scary as shit stare, it’s like I’m hooked and I ~~didn’t~~  don’t want to hurt you.  I want to know you.  I want to figure out what the fuck this is, because this hasn’t happened to me in a really long time, and I’m not sure if it’s something or nothing, but I want to find out._

_I know you probably fucking hate me.  Rick the Prick’s probably been whispering all sorts of nasty things in your ear about me, and I won’t blame you if you want to burn this, but I’m not that guy.  Let me prove it to you._

_Negan_

 

You’d read the words so many times that they blurred in front of your eyes.  As far as love letters went, it wasn’t the most romantic, that was for sure.  But it was something: a gesture; an invitation; a starting point.  You were sure it hadn’t been easy for him to reach out.  This letter didn’t wreak of the arrogance that he emanated as he swaggered around your community.  It was tentative, questioning, unsure - like a first kiss that you thought might not be reciprocated, it was exploratory, and it warmed your heart to think of him putting pen to paper to in attempt to draw you in, even if he had resorted to using one of his lackeys as a delivery boy.

You drummed the pen Dwight had given you against the top of the fence, trying to figure out the correct response.  A part of you was ready to admit that you shared his interest, that you wanted to know him too and that you didn’t think you’d ever felt such an immediate connection with anyone before, but, as you surveyed your home from above, you knew it wasn’t that easy.  Negan had taken people from you, and from those that led you, and he was a figure of torment and fear for your neighbours and friends.  It didn’t matter that his words brought a smile to your face, or that the memory of his lean body called to you to wrap yourself around him.  He was the enemy, and to align yourself with him would mean alienating yourself from the people that had become your family.

At the same time, you couldn’t shut him down completely.  Call it a schoolgirl crush, or the result of being too touch-starved to be able to rely on your judgement, but you knew that pull that you felt wasn’t something that happened every day.  It wasn’t like anything else you’d ever experienced and you weren’t ready to let it go just yet.  What if you didn’t reply, let it slip away, and never felt this way again?  You knew deep down that you’d rather live with mistakes than what-ifs, and that was the thought you held on to as you bent your head and began to write.

You were rereading your words when you heard Dwight’s voice and glanced down to see him approaching with Rick at his side.  Deciding not to sign the letter in case it should be discovered, you quickly clambered back down the ladder under the guise of opening the gate and ushering the lanky Savior out and towards his car.

‘Things look like they’re going well,’ he was saying as he bid Rick farewell.  'Negan’ll be happy to hear what’s been going on here.’

'Well, as long as Negan’s happy.'  You could hear the contempt in the sheriff’s voice, thought perhaps he was about to make a stand for his people, but instead his footsteps faded away as he turned on his heel and headed back to work.  

'If he doesn’t lose that attitude, Negan’s gonna kill him,’ Dwight observed, raising an eyebrow at you as he held out his hand.  'Got something for me?

You passed over your letter, holding onto it for a beat too long as doubts crept into your mind, but it was tugged from your fingers and pocketed without comment.

'I’m sure I’ll be seeing you again.'  He slid into his car, and you backed away as it shuddered into life, slamming the gates shut with unnecessary force and returning to your post just in time to see him disappear from view, leaving you with your thoughts as the reality of what had just happened sunk in.

You knew what you were doing was dangerous, that you were taking a massive risk on someone that hadn’t proved themselves so far to be all that reliable.  In fact, all he’d really proven was that he was a homicidal egotist with a knack for coaxing temperamental trucks into playing ball, at least for a few more miles. But, as you considered his actions and what he was doing to Alexandria, you found yourself questioning whether it wasn’t the same damn thing Rick and his people had done to you all not long before. When they’d shown up, life was cosy, easy, and yeah, maybe you were all a little naïve, but Deanna ran things as she saw fit and, for the most part, people were content with their lot.  It seemed that since Rick and his family passed through your gates, it had been nothing but pain and fighting, as they took control of the community and forced you to face up to what the world had become, and, like with Negan, lives had been lost along the way.  Maybe that was what it took to lead now, a willingness to sacrifice for the greater good.  Maybe what Negan said was true, and he really wasn’t the guy that Rick made him out to be.

Yes, you had no doubt you would see Dwight again sooner rather than later.  You had a feeling this was all just the beginning…


	4. Chapter 4

Negan eyed the folded sheet of paper warily.  It had been lying in front of him on his desk now for the past half hour, and he still hadn’t worked up the courage to open it.  The last thing he’d been expecting was a reply to his scribbled note.  He’d expected it to be met with disbelief and a fair amount of disdain, but here it was, her response, in a neat cursive that he could just make out through the page.  A part of him was convinced that she was going to bust his balls, tell him where to go and request that he never contact her again, and hell, he probably deserved that.  A larger part though was more afraid that she would actually feel the same and he’d have to see this whole thing through.  

A knock at his door pulled his attention away, and he glanced up as it swung open, revealing Tanya leaning against the doorframe, her short black dress dancing around the tops of her thighs.  For a moment he blinked dazedly at her as she gazed up at him from beneath heavily-mascaraed lashes, before he came to his senses and motioned for her to take a seat before him.

‘What can I do for you, doll?’

Her nose wrinkled as she frowned in confusion, slipping into the chair in front of his desk and crossing one pale leg over the other, her pointed stiletto heel dangling from her toes.  ‘You asked me to come here tonight,’ she reminded him, with a slight edge to her voice.  ‘You wanted to…’

She tailed off as she ran a finger seductively up her calf, her tongue snaking out to wet her painted lips as she waited for him to cotton on.  Negan’s eyes followed her hand as it drifted upwards, and temptation pooled deep in his stomach, but the letter on his desk beckoned to him, and he cleared his throat, shifting awkwardly in his seat.

‘Right, of course.  Sorry, sweetheart, it’s been a long fucking day.  Mind if we take a rain check?’

The smile fell from her mouth as she rolled her eyes and pushed herself to her feet.  ‘Fine, but I put a lot of effort into getting ready for you, Negan.’

‘And I’ll make sure I repay you,’ he promised, his voice low and husky, working his charm as she stood with one hand on her hip and glared down at him.  ‘Next time.’

He would never understand women, he thought, as she turned and flounced out, slamming the door behind her.  She hated him, all of his wives did for one reason or another, and yet she still wanted him to want her.  Well, tough.  He had other things on his mind tonight.

Taking a deep breath, he picked up the folded sheet and eased it flat, smoothing it out on the mahogany surface in front of him as his eyes darted back and forth across the scribbled words.

 

_Negan,_

_I don’t know what you want from me.  You killed my friends.  You threatened me.  You’re taking supplies from my community.  This can never be anything.  I would lose everything if anybody even knew I’d written this letter.  I don’t think you realise how much these people hate you._

_I don’t hate you.  I know I should.  I don’t know what to do here.  I want to know you too, but not at the cost of the life I’ve built._

_I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know where to start.  I don’t want to regret this._

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his beard and letting his head fall back against his chair, his eyes flickering shut as he murmured,  ‘I gotta shave this shit.’

He felt drained, exhausted by the emotions that were churning inside of him.  It would be so much damn easier if he could just not care.  Maybe he should have let Tanya stay, lost himself in her and pounded Y/N out of his head, but he knew deep down that it wouldn’t have worked.  If it was that easy, he’d have been able to distract himself with work, and he wouldn’t have come up with the foolish plan to write a letter in the first place.  Nah, this girl wasn’t going to be shifted from his mind so easily.  He was stuck with the consequences of his own infatuation.

Squaring his shoulders, he leant forward and scanned the note again, nodding slowly as he read between the lines and got the real message she was trying to convey, between her accusations and fears.  She felt the same way he did, pulled in two by the connection that had inexplicably bound them.  Why else would it be littered with those three little words: ‘I don’t know’?  This wasn’t a no.  This wasn’t a ‘do not contact me again’.  This was an ‘I’m scared’.  Well, that he could understand.  This wasn’t exactly his comfort zone either, but he knew he had a hell of a lot less to lose.

 

* * *

_You’re scared, I get it.  Shit, you should be.  Maybe I should be too.  This is new._

_So how about we take things real fucking slow?  Keep writing to me.  Tell me about yourself.  What makes you tick, what makes you sad, what keeps you the fuck awake at night.  Tell me all of it, doll._

_But If our paths cross, we’re strangers.  I don’t know shit about you and you don’t know shit about me.  I don’t want to put you in a difficult position here, but know that if Rick the prick lays a finger on you, I will shut him down immediately and it will be bloody as all hell._

_You won’t ever have nowhere to go, I promise you that.  You’ve got a sweet deal over there, and I respect that.  But if shit hits the fan, you’ve got a place here ~~with me~~  at the Sanctuary._

_Negan_

Dwight had slipped you the note as he’d passed you in the storeroom under the guise of inspecting the steadily building bulk of supplies that the community had managed to rustle up for the next collection. You’d scrunched the paper up in your fist, a knot forming in your stomach as you searched for an excuse to slip away and see what Negan had to say.

You weren’t sure how he would react to your confused scrawl, half-expecting him to shake his head and decide it wasn’t worth the effort, and yet, as you processed the contents of this new letter, you realised he was serious about this.  He did want to know you, not just the basic details usually exchanged over a coffee or in a dark corner of a seedy bar, but the nitty gritty that actually made you who you were.  And he was willing to relegate what you assumed to be one of his best guys to courier duty just so you could keep this between the two of you for now.  It was a simple gesture, particularly as he stood to lose a lot less if this went south than you did, but it was something, and you felt your face grow warm as you read over his words again.  

Of course, in more practical terms, there was possibly more to be gained from this.  So far, Rick had been as good as useless when it came to protecting you from the Saviors, and Alexandria was being crushed beneath the weight of their demands.  If you could get close to Negan, earn his trust, then perhaps you would be a better position to negotiate for your people.  Maybe you could even secure Daryl’s freedom.  Despite your increasing fondness for the head Savior, you were still concerned for the welfare of the archer.  You’d spent a lot of time together as he’d taught you to hunt, to kill, to do what needed to be done outside of the walls, and it had killed you to see him bleeding and broken, tossed into the back of a truck and driven away.  If you could get him out maybe the group would understand, even if things did get serious with Negan.  Maybe they’d be able to see the good in it all.

Okay, you were getting ahead of yourself.  You took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as you waited for your accelerated heart rate to calm.  Take it slow, that’s what he’d said.  Just letters for now.  Almost like pen pals, you supposed.  Might be something, might be nothing.  No point jumping ahead until you’d explored it further and figured out what the hell you were actually doing.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a small cough behind you, and you looked up to see Carl standing over you.  You sprung to your feet, shoving the crumpled paper into your back pocket and nodding in greeting.  ‘Hey, what’s up?’

‘Dad’s looking for you.  He’s thinking of setting up a supply run, somewhere further out, needs bodies.  You up for it?’

‘Yeah.’  You gave him a tight smile as you fell into step beside him, letting him lead you back along the main street to wherever Rick was holed up.  ‘You coming?’

‘Nah.’  He shrugged, but you could sense from the slight droop of his mouth that he wasn’t happy about it.  ‘He wants me here, just in case.’

‘In case of what?’

‘Negan showing up and killing all our people, maybe?’

You scoffed.  ‘Well, that won’t happen.’  At Carl’s questioning look, you laughed again.  ‘Oh come on, what has he got to gain from doing that?  Right now we’re all buzzing about like little worker bees trying to scavenge up all the shit he could possibly need.  If he kills us, that stops, which means he has to find someone else to do his dirty work.  Trust me, as long as we play by his rules, we’re safe.’

‘What about that freak he keeps sending round to check up on us?’

‘Dwight?  Seems harmless enough to me.’

‘You know he’s the guy that killed Denise, right?  He nearly killed Daryl before that, too.’

You fell silent.  You hadn’t known that, but in all honesty, you weren’t sure it made a difference.  Who hadn’t killed to stay alive these days?  You’d taken down one of the group that called themselves the wolves when they’d attacked, pumped him full of bullets before you could even register what it was that you were doing.  Adrenaline had taken over and you’d acted before your brain could catch up with your trigger finger.  You weren’t about to judge someone for murder.  It would mean finding half the community guilty.  ‘Right.’

You were grateful when you sensed that Carl was about to move on and change the subject, though the next words out of his mouth made things ten times worse.  ‘So, what were you reading?’

You glanced up at him, trying to cover your discomfort as you narrowed your eyes in a frown.  Shit.  ‘What?’

‘Back there, the paper you stuffed in your pocket.’ Sensing your hesitation, he looked away, scuffing his boot against the pavement.  ‘Sorry, it’s none of my business.’

‘No, no, it’s fine.’  You reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze, letting it drop when he halted in front of the house he shared with Rick, Michonne and Judith. ‘It was just a few ideas of places we could check out on the next run.  I’ve been trying to come up with something, but I’m drawing a blank to be honest.’ You nodded towards the front door. ‘He in there?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Great, thanks, kid.’

He left you then, shuffling back the way you’d come with his hands swinging loosely at his sides.  You felt bad for the poor kid.  Growing up in the apocalypse had to be rough, and he had the slight stoop to his gait and the eyepatch to prove it.  You couldn’t help but wonder if he’d have ended up in such a sorry state had he had a leader like Negan to protect him.

You hesitated before you climbed the porch steps, tearing a corner of paper from Negan’s letter, and quickly inking two words onto the scrap, rolling it between your fingers ready to pass to Dwight at an opportune moment, unable to keep the smile from your face as you pictured Negan’s face upon receiving the simple response.

 

_You first x_


	5. Chapter 5

_Well, shit, doll, where to start?  I’m not very good at this whole ‘opening up’ thing.  Way I see it, there’s not much more you need to know about a man these days other than where his loyalties lie when things get fucking tough._

_But I said I wanted to know you, so I guess it goes both ways, huh?_

_So, here’s a question: If you had to guess what I was before the world turned to shit, what would you say?  Seriously, I’m interested.  Because if you wanna fucking know me, we gotta go back to before, right?  Before the corpses came along and fucked everything up.  Bet teacher isn’t even in your top 10 but that’s what I was.  Sort of.  I taught gym, coached table tennis after school.  Sure, it sounds like a pretty easy ride, teaching kids how to hit a damn ball, but I’ll tell you, it was about so much more than that.  It was about fucking discipline.  You teach a boy that at a young age, and he’ll carry it with him through his whole life._

_It’s kinda like keeping assholes like Rick in line.  You gotta make a stand, set an example, and shut down any shit they try to throw your way.  ‘Cause really, what the hell are we if we’re not just little boys playing war games?  Thing about the apocalypse is that it’s a sweet fucking leveller.  Mistake Rick made is still walking round thinking he’s a damn cop like anyone else gives a rat’s ass.  None of us really have a fucking clue what we’re doing.  It’s pure luck that’s kept most of us alive this long, and proving your dick’s bigger than the next guys.  And trust me, sweetheart, my dick is the biggest in this little network we got going on here.  That’s why I’m in charge._

_Negan_

* * *

 

_Negan,_

_Okay, if we’re doing this, we need to set some ground rules. The first one’s gonna be that you need to keep your opinions about Rick and Alexandria to yourself.  These people are my friends.  This is my home.  This isn’t about any of that.  It’s about us, whatever that means._

_You sure do talk a big game, but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.  Your ego seems to be the biggest thing about you._

_But you told me you want to know something real, so can we dial back the attitude, just a little?_

_x_

* * *

 

__Alright, alright, I guess I had that coming.  I’ll try to be on my best behaviour and lay off Rick the prick.  I guess I forget that some people actually fucking like the guy.  You let me know if I cross a line, doll, and I’ll give myself a harsh talking to._ _

_Can’t promise I can keep the ego in check though.  Some things just can’t be fucking controlled._

_Negan_

* * *

 

_Negan,_

_Thank you, that’s a start at least.  Now, where were we?_

_If I’d had to guess, I would’ve said you were…  I don’t really know.  Maybe a bouncer or a prison guard or something.  Somebody with a little bit of power and a big chip on their shoulder. Actually, scrap that – I can kinda see you as a salesman.  Cars maybe. You’ve got that whole gift of the gab, loves the sound of his own voice thing going on.  But teacher, yeah, I kinda get that.  My sister taught kindergarten and she loved it.  She said the same thing about discipline though I get the feeling her methods were a little less extreme than yours._

_I was training to be a chef.  Does that surprise you?  I was kind of lost when I left school.  Didn’t wanna go to college but didn’t really know what else to do so I floated from job to job for a while, and then I ended up doing pot wash in some swanky restaurant on Main Street, and I loved it.  The pressure, the pace, and, oh man, the food.  The head chef took a liking to me and started giving me one-on-one lessons after close-down.  It changed everything for me._

_x_

* * *

 

_Ha, I actually did sell used cars for a while.  I was kinda lost after high school too.  Fell into sales ‘cause…  Well, it’s hard to say no to this face, right?  But I fucking hated it, so I went to college when I was in my early 30s (shit, I’m old) and got my degree.  College was a fucking blast by the way.  You really missed out._

_A chef, huh?  Be still my fucking heart.  I love a woman that can cook.  I’ll have you know I’m a bit of a whizz in the kitchen myself.  I make the best spaghetti in the world and I defy anybody who tries to outdo me.  I’ll make it for you sometime, maybe even teach you something, hey, sweetheart?_

_So, what else is there?  Where did you grow up?  Are you from around here?  How the hell’d you end up in that sweet little place you got down there?_

_Negan_

* * *

_Negan_

_Well, I grew up in Virginia, little town on the coast.  Just me, Mum, Dad and Lilly.  Had a boyfriend for a while, but it didn’t stick.  It was me, not him.  Relationships aren’t really my strong point, to be honest with you.  I’m not sure if that’s a warning or not, but you should know._

_I’ve been here at Alexandria pretty much since the beginning.  We were staying at my Aunt’s when everything went to hell, and it was only a few miles from here.  I was trying to make it back home, but the army pointed me here, along with a few others I’d met on the road.  Told us they’d come back for us.  I’m still kinda waiting.  Anyway, Deanna just kinda took charge and her and Reg built up the walls, made it secure, and things were good.  Almost like before._

_So, tell me, what is it you miss the most?_

_x_

* * *

_I’m a Virginia boy too.  Never roamed far from home.  Was just me and mom for the most part, and I fucking adored her.  Now that was a woman that could cook.  Damn, I miss her cherry pie.  Stuff of dreams, let me tell you._

_With you on the relationship front, doll.  Never been one of my strengths either.  I have a little trouble with the idea of being a one-woman guy.  I’m not sure if that’s a warning or not, but you should know.  Maybe we’re just fucking doomed from the start, huh?_

_I was on my own at the beginning.  It was a pretty shitty time for me, and every group I joined up with kept getting their asses killed, making stupid decisions and being reckless. That was when I decided enough was enough and stepped up to the plate to fucking lead.  Sure, people get killed on my watch, but for a good cause.  Not just ‘cause they were desperate and dumb._

_Shit, what do I miss the most?  That’s a hard fucking question, doll.  Where do I start?  I miss ice-cold beer.  I miss watching the football on the weekends.  I miss my car – vintage muscle car, cleaned her up myself._

_Oh, and I miss that cute fucking smile of yours._

_What about you?_

_Negan_

* * *

 

 

_What do I miss?  God, what don’t I miss?_

_I miss hot running water.  I miss swimming in the sea.  I miss burgers with cheese and bacon and hot greasy fries.  I miss vodka.  I miss my porch swing.  I know Alexandria has porch swings, but they’re not mine, y’know?  My sister and I would sit out and watch the sun set and she’d tell me about her boyfriend and I’d moan about school.  I miss that._

_I guess that’s what I miss most.  My family.  They died, right back at the beginning, before we could even leave my Aunt’s estate. Got ripped to pieces right in front of me.  I just ran. I didn’t know what else to do.  But I can still see their faces.  To tell you the truth, I don’t remember the last time I slept without waking up to the sound of their screams.  I miss them every single day._

_You know that feeling that everything would be okay if your mom was there? I know that’s stupid.  There’s nothing she could do about any of this, but I just… I wish she was here._

_x_

* * *

 

 

_Shit, doll, I didn’t mean to make you sad.  It’s fucking depressing as hell, thinking about everything that’s gone, everyone that’s been lost.  Honestly, I try not to think about it.  I wish I could take your pain away.  If there was a way to do that, I’d fucking find it, and I’d hold you all night long if I thought it’d keep those nightmares away._

_I know what it’s like to lose people.  To lose someone you love.  I was married.  Before.  Fuck, I haven’t told anyone that.  Her name was Lucille (yes, the bat’s named after her).  I was a fucking jerk and I treated her like shit, and then she got sick.  Like, really fucking sick, and I watched her waste away right in front of me.  She died just as the world was nosediving into chaos.  It isn’t something I talk about.  It’s private.  But I wanted you to know._

_Negan_

* * *

 

_Negan,_

_I’m sorry.  I don’t know what else to say except that I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.  I’m glad you told me though.  I know that must’ve been hard for you._

_These letters…  God, I don’t even know.  I feel like I’m just constantly on edge waiting to hear from you.  It’s made life feel exciting again.  You’ve made me laugh and cry, and it’s the most alive I’ve felt in a long time.  I don’t know what I’m trying to say.  I guess, thank you.  And you were right.  I couldn’t walk away from this._

_Anyway, enough of the emotional stuff.  I don’t think my heart can take much more.  Tell me something good.  What makes you happy?  Not before. Now._

_x_

* * *

 

 

_So, I guess I owe you a fucking apology. I wish you didn’t have to see what you saw today. Slimy little shit had it coming, but I guess that’s probably not what it looked like to you.  And shit, the lemonade lady…  She was never in the fucking firing line as far as I was concerned and trust me, I have busted balls over that._

_I know you probably hate me just as much as the others now.  Surely I get points for not killing the kid though?  You know he shot up a bunch of my guys?  Little psycho’s made of tougher stuff than his father, that’s for sure.  I like him.  The eyepatch thing’s a little weird, but hell, I could live with it._

_Anyway, I’m sorry, doll.  All I seem to end up doing is bringing trouble to your gates._

_Negan_

* * *

_Negan,_

_I don’t blame you.  Things round here have gotten a little out of control.  Spencer’s been questioning Rick’s decisions for a while now, but that’s all he’s been doing - sitting on his ass, bitching about how things would be different if Deanna was still here._

_Except she’s not still here._

_Rick is.  And that means you are.  And I can’t be sorry about that because I like you._

_You should be sorry about Olivia though.  She was my friend.  She didn’t deserve to die like that.  I know it wasn’t your decision, but I hope you weren’t lying when you said you busted balls.  I guess I’ll just add her to the list of people that I miss._

_x_

* * *

_I wasn’t even sure you’d write back after what went down, but I’m sure glad you did, sweetheart, and I’m sorry about your friend._

_To answer your question about what makes me happy… You.  Just you.  Reading your words, discovering things about you a little fucking bit at a time.  Shit, sweetheart, it’s better than getting laid.  Which makes me wonder how it would feel to fucking touch you.  Goddamn, I wanna touch you._

_I wanna see you.  I know we said we were taking this slow, but I know enough._

_Come and meet me.   Please._

_Negan_

* * *

_Negan, I can’t.  I’m sorry.  Not yet._

_It isn’t you, I promise.  I love what you’re telling me.  I love that you’re opening up.  And God, I dream about those dimples, but I just…  I’m not ready._

_Things are tense here.  People are scared, and I’m not sure I can just walk out._

_Just give me a little more time.  Please._

_For the record, you make me happy too.  Sometimes I sit at the top of the guard’s post watching the sun come up, and I wish you were sitting there with me.  That would make me so incredibly happy._

_I feel like I’ve known you forever._

_Yours, always._

_x_

* * *

 

‘What the hell is this?’

You span on your heel to see Rick peering down at a piece of paper that had floated to the floor at his feet.  Dwight was standing above it, frozen in place, the lighter than he’d drawn from his pocket hovering in mid-air as he swallowed hard.  He’d pulled it out without thinking, disturbing the letter that he’d tucked away next to it, and now it was too late to go back.  Rick could see the neat words inked across the page, Negan’s name at the top and the desperate pleas beneath.  His eyes were narrowed as he bent to scoop it up, his mouth twisting into a dangerous sneer as he read the declaration at the bottom.

You could feel the heat rising in your body as you fought against the panic that had flooded through your veins.  You knew your cheeks were flushed, your lips drawn into a thin line, and you struggled to keep your expression nonchalant, relaxing your stance, though you wanted to turn and flee.

He turned to face those of you that were gathered by the gate, his gaze flicking between you as he searched for the person that had betrayed him.  ‘Who gave him this?  Who the fuck is writing to Negan?’

You stayed silent, glancing left and right and taking in the angry faces that now surrounded you.

‘Someone here is lying to us.’  He sighed in frustration, rubbing a hand over his face and flicking away the sweat that coated his brow.  ‘Someone here is trading love letters with the monster that killed our people.’

Dwight coughed quietly, and you shot him a warning look, but it was too late.  Rick had rounded on him, drawing his knife and holding it to the Savior’s neck.  ‘You tell me who it is right now or I swear to God I will rip your throat out!’

He kept his mouth shut, though you could see his hands balling into fists at his sides, and you forced yourself to step forward, reaching out to lay a hand on Rick’s arm.  ‘Rick, don’t.’

He was breathing heavily, not even turning to look at you as he struggled to regain control of his temper. ‘Why the hell not?  Give me one good reason, Y/N-‘

‘Because Negan will come here and he will make you pay.  You saw what he did to Glenn when Daryl lashed out.  What do you think he’ll do if you kill one of his men?’

You could see your words sinking in, and Dwight nodded to you, exhaling loudly when the blade fell away from his flesh.

‘I want everyone in the church in ten minutes.’  The sheriff issued the order through gritted teeth, shrugging you off of him as he turned to stride away.  ‘I’m gonna find out who’s responsible for this and I’m gonna make ‘em pay.’

As he made his exit, the group around you dispersed, and you slid the gate open, motioning for Dwight to leave.  ‘You should come too.’  You could hear the fear in his voice, but you shook your head.

‘I can’t.’

‘But they’ll-‘

‘I’ll be fine.’  He opened his mouth as if to argue, but you held up your hand to quiet his argument, casting a nervous glance over your shoulder before you let your voice drop to a wavering whisper.  ‘Tell Negan this is over.  We’ve gotta stop.  I can’t do this anymore.’


	6. Chapter 6

‘You did what?’  Negan knew his roar of rage would be echoing down the corridor, startling passers-by who would be eying the door to his office warily, their hearts twisting with pity for the poor bastard on the receiving end of his fit of pique.  ‘You dropped it?’

‘Yes, sir.’  Dwight was staring at his feet, shifting uncomfortably under the intensity of his boss’ glare.  His lank blonde hair was hanging around his face, though it didn’t hide the vivid colours of his scar, standing out in stark contrast to his pale skin.  ‘It was an accident.  I didn’t mean for it to happen, but you’ve been playing a dangerous game with her, and-‘

‘Oh, you are not trying to turn this round and make it my fault, are you?  Now, I know you wouldn’t be that fucking stupid.’  He was breathing hard, his face red and he could feel the spittle flying from his mouth as he spat out the words.  ‘So, Rick found it.  Then what happened?’

‘He flipped.  Said he was gonna find out who was writing to you and…’

‘And what?’

‘Well, he said he’d make ‘em pay, but I don’t think-‘

‘Goddammit!’  Negan hadn’t been scared of anything in a really long time, but the thought of Y/N facing Rick the prick’s wrath alone brought a lump to his throat.  What would he do to her if he found out?  What sort of punishment would the whiney sheriff dole out?  Had you asked him a few weeks ago, Negan wouldn’t have been too worried.  He couldn’t imagine Rick willingly hurting any of his own, he just didn’t have it in him.  But the last time they’d met, he’d felt the hatred coming off of him waves, the resentment and bitterness bubbling away beneath the surface, and he knew then that the man was a ticking timebomb.  If Y/N got caught up in the detonation because of him…

‘I think she’ll be okay, boss,’ Dwight offered, glancing up from his boots before swiftly averting his gaze back to the floor when he saw Negan’s eyes narrow.  ‘I told her she could come with me, but she wanted to stay.  She wouldn’t have refused if she really thought she was in danger.  There was nothing else I could do!’

Negan found himself lurching forwards, his hand reaching out to seize the Savior before him by the throat, fingers flexing as he tightened his grip.  A smug satisfaction rose to the surface as Dwight gave a strangled cry, and he leant closer, his voice a menacing growl.  ‘Whatever happens to her, happens to you, d’ya hear me?  Whatever Rick inflicts on my girl, I will inflict on you ten times over.’

He released him as quickly as he’d grabbed a hold, sending him stumbling backwards, his hands kneading over the bruised flesh of his neck.  ‘I get it. I’m sorry.’

‘Send Arat up.  I need her to go back there tomorrow, get a message to Y/N-‘

‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, boss.’  When Negan’s eyes flashed with fresh fury, Dwight’s hands came up in defence and he edged slowly backwards even as he continued to explain.  ‘She killed that Olivia chick, right?  There’s a lot of bad feeling towards her over there right now.’

‘Someone else then!’

‘Thing is, boss, she said…’ He tailed off, swallowing hard, knowing the reaction his next words would elicit from his leader.  ‘Y/N told me to tell you it’s over.  She said it’s gotta stop.  She doesn’t want you to write again.’

Negan was barely aware of Dwight making a hasty exit as his mind reeled. And then his legs gave out and he sank down onto his desk with a soft huff as the fight went out of him.

 

* * *

 

Over.  How the hell could it be over when it had barely even started?  A little under two months they’d been writing to each other, exchanging messages back and forth every week.  He’d found himself living for the days that Dwight drove off at first light to visit their newest community, only to return before dark with another scrap of paper containing a note just for him.  It was a little bit of light in the inky black that life had become.  How the hell was he supposed to keep going now knowing that was over?

He’d told her things.  Shit, she knew more about him than anyone in the building.  She knew about Lucille, what he’d done to her, how he’d lost her.  And he knew about the nightmares that woke her with the images of her family being torn to pieces still scrolling across her vision.  Did anyone else know about those, he wondered, or had she confided only in him?  Would she sleep better without the danger of their little exchanges hanging over her head, or would she miss him like he already missed her?

Shit, what was it she’d said to him?   _I couldn’t walk away from this_.  And yet here she was, running from it at the first sign of trouble.  It could have been her out, her reason to walk away from Sheriff Rick and his band of merry fucking men and be with him, but she’d chosen to stay.  So, what?  Had it all been for nothing?  Just a game?  An amusement to pass the time?  She was supposed to be his!

And at the same time, he thought, they were still strangers really.  A few letters didn’t constitute a relationship by any fucking means, and they’d barely even scratched the surface in the little time they’d had.  So, he knew she could cook, that she was a Virginia girl and that she’d lost everything…  That was probably true of half the women that resided at the Sanctuary and he certainly didn’t feel for them what he felt for her.  But it wasn’t in the facts, in was in the rest of it.  She wasn’t afraid to tell him off, set him some fucking boundaries.  She wore her heart on her sleeve and wasn’t ashamed to admit to the fact that she was hurting.  And through everything, she could still find things to be positive about.   _Tell me something good._   That was a tough ask these days, but she’d put it out there anyway, and she’d been the first thing that came into his head.  

His gaze had landed on her when he’d gutted that slimeball, Monroe.  She’d stood out from the crowd as they recoiled in horror at the blood that soaked the street, her face calm, her expression nonchalant though he could see the tears in her eyes.  This was a girl who had seen death, who felt every single life that slipped away from her, and yet could accept that it was a fact of the world they were living in now, necessary to keep order.  Olivia though, that had been a different matter.  Her face had crumpled like the paper he scribbled his truth over, and she’d cried unapologetically as she ran to her friend’s side.  Fuck, he’d wanted to go to her.  He’d wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry he was, and he’d wanted to shoot Arat in her dumb ass as punishment for taking out one of the few people in the damn place he could actually stand.  She’d been ballsy, that girl, like his girl, and he’d felt himself soften towards her as soon as she’d slapped him round his self-satisfied face.  It supposed it made sense that they’d been friends.  And he took that from her.  He couldn’t - no, he wouldn’t - take anything else.

If she wanted this to stop, he’d respect her wishes, even if it fucking killed him to do it.  He’d stop writing, stop visiting.  He’d let one of his guys handle it, and he’d take a step back.  It was the only way he could bear to let her go.

 

* * *

 

‘Well, there are my favourite ladies, and all looking fucking gorgeous today, I have to say.’  Negan was met with several widening sets of kohl-lined eyes as his wives turned to look at him where he leaned in the doorway of their private lounge.  The looks varied from curiosity to disdain, but he plastered a smirk onto his face as he strolled in, taking a seat at the bar, and pouring himself a measure of whiskey – the cheap stuff, he kept the best in his own quarters.  ‘What are we all doing tonight?’

‘What are you doing, Negan?’  Sherry was frowning at him, her nose wrinkling as she sat up straighter on the couch, tossing her magazine to the side.  ‘We haven’t seen you round here for a while.’

‘I’m sorry, girls.’  He shrugged apologetically.  ‘Daddy’s been a little busy, but I’m here now and I’m in the mood for a little quality time.  Anyone wanna join me?’

When no one spoke, he took a sip of his drink, letting his tongue sneak out over to bottom lip to capture every drop of the malty liquor.  He’d come here looking for a distraction, something to push Y/N from his mind, but already it felt like hard work.  ‘Shit, no one’s looking to spend a night with the big boss, huh?  And there was me thinking I could get the kitchen to cook up something special, crack open a bottle of something fucking expensive, take good care of one of you, but if you don’t wanna play…’

‘I’ll come.’  Frankie finally caved, tempted by the offer of some of the few luxuries still available within the Sanctuary’s walls, and he shot her a lecherous smile as he finished his drink and set the glass back down on the bar.

‘Yes, you will.’  He winked before levering himself to his feet and making his way back to the door, stooping to press a sloppy kiss to the lips of his most willing wife.  ‘Come by my quarters at seven.  I’ll be waiting.’

 

* * *

 

Less than an hour after they’d finished eating, Frankie found herself ushered back out of Negan’s room, as he apologised profusely and cursed the amount of alcohol he’d put away during the course of the afternoon.  Only Negan knew the real reason he couldn’t get things working like they normally did, and it had fuck all to do with the liquor.  Shit, what had she done to him?

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

Weeks passed, and Rick’s anger still clung to him like a tangible presence, isolating him as he strode around the compound with steely eyes and a grim determination.  Of course, his questions and threats had achieved nothing, though they had led an atmosphere of suspicion and mistrust to descend over the Safe Zone, quieting the usual friendly chatter and making your home feel small and suffocating.  You longed to get away, to escape for a while, but the sheriff’s focus was on protecting the community, only a select few permitted to go out in search of supplies, and you weren’t on that list.

Life seemed harder somehow than it had before, though day-to-day your routine had barely changed.  You worked hard at whatever task you were assigned, preferring those that were more physically strenuous, tiring your body to the point of exhaustion so that you could sleep at night.  Since you’d told Negan to stop writing to you, he had a tendency to creep into your thoughts as you lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take you.  You pictured him standing beside the beat-up old truck that he’d fixed up for you the first time you’d met, white t-shirt clinging to him in the heat, leather jacket slung over his shoulder as he gave you a devilish smile.  You pictured the anguish on his face as he picked you out from the crowd as he stood with Spencer bleeding at his feet, afraid that you would feel differently about him now you’d seen first-hand what he was capable of.  And you imagined him hunched over a desk - because he seemed like the kind of guy that would have a desk even at the end of the world – his brow creased in concentration as he inked his rambling scrawl over a sheet of paper, his bottom lip caught between his teeth.  Ending what you had with the head Savior hadn’t done anything to damp down the feelings that had swelled within you with every letter you received.  Instead, you missed him.

Each time you heard the crunch of tyres over the gravel outside the gates your heart skipped a beat, and you’d find yourself scrabbling for a reason, an excuse, to slip away and search the visitors, the invaders, eyes roaming their troops for a tall, lean figure, but he was never there.  Dwight had shown up a few times, shooting you a tight smile when he passed you on the street, but you couldn’t speak to him.  Rick watched his every movement, never far behind as he inspected Alexandria’s offerings.  You willed the sheriff to back off, to give you the opportunity to just check in, find out if Negan was okay, but it wasn’t going to happen.  You’d told him it was over, and it seemed that he was honouring your wishes, though you felt a little emptier, a little lonelier, because of it.

You were walking the fences, checking for signs of weakness, any flaws that might allow a crowd of walkers or a human threat to push their way through, when you found Carl, sitting cross-legged against the sheet metal, a frown pulling down the corners of his mouth as he dug his knife into the dirt.

‘Hey kid, how’s it going?’  You made to move past him, continue with your work, but his silence halted you, forcing you to turn back and take in the redness of his cheeks and the aggression with which he drove the blade downwards.  ‘Carl?  Everything okay?’  He shrugged and you dropped down beside him, stretching your legs out and leaning your head back against the fence.  Still, he didn’t speak, and you reached out to still the knife, ducking your head to meet his eyes.  ‘C’mon, buddy.  What’s going on?’

He exhaled loudly, his breath blowing back the dark waves that had settled around his face.  ‘Everything’s changing.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, people are leaving.  There were people I cared about here, and now they’re not, and it’s all because of him.’

For a moment you just stared at him blankly, unsure what it was that he was talking about.  ‘I don’t…’  The tips of his ears turned pink as he dropped his gaze back to the hole he’d created at his side, and suddenly it all slipped into place.  ‘Is this about Enid?  Because she stayed at the Hilltop?’

He shrugged.  ‘No.  Maybe.  I don’t know.  It’s not just her.  Maggie and Sasha left too, and Glenn’s gone, and Abraham.  Daryl’s pretty much being tortured and-‘

‘Hey,’ you murmured, nudging him with your elbow.  ‘I know it sucks, but we’ll get through this.’

‘I’m not so sure.’

‘Carl-‘

‘Every time something like this has happened before, every time someone’s tried to hurt us, we’ve stuck together and we’ve fought.  It’s what we do.  Or it was.’

It killed you to have to defend Rick when you’d felt that same frustration at his refusal to fight for your freedom, but it pained you to hear the resentment in the boy’s voice.  ‘Your dad’s just trying to figure it all out right now, that’s all.  We’re kinda outnumbered here, outgunned too.  It’s not as easy as just making a stand.’

‘Woodbury outnumbered us too, and Terminus, but we still took them down.’

‘It’s not that simple.’  Even as you said it, you knew that the truth was that you didn’t want it to be that simple.  Any decision made by your people to stand up and fight would put Negan at risk and just the thought of that made your blood run cold.  If it did come down to a war, you would be torn in two.

‘It could be,’ Carl argued, his voice low and dangerous as he glowered at you.  ‘We don’t need to wipe them out.  We just need to kill him.’

‘I-I don’t think-‘

‘I could have done it, y’know.  When I was at the Sanctuary, he was right there in front of me, and I could have done it.’

‘So, why didn’t you?’  The words sounded challenging as they fell from your lips, but you were genuinely curious.  Maybe the kid had seen a glimmer of the man you knew Negan to be, the humanity that drew you in, and couldn’t go through with the act.

‘Because I thought, if I did, they’d kill Daryl, just like they killed Glenn.’  He raised his eyes to meet yours, the determination behind them the exact same as the look you’d seen in Rick’s eyes countless times before.  ‘The timing wasn’t right.  Next time-‘

You couldn’t hear any more.  ‘Okay, slow down, kid, alright?’

‘What?’  He spat the word, his anger returning as you shut him down.

‘Have you ever thought that there are two sides here?’

‘Of course, I’m not stupid.’

‘Right, but, because he does things differently to us, Negan’s automatically wrong?

‘No, he’s wrong because he killed our people.’

‘And we killed theirs!  How many men did Rick and the others kill in that satellite station, do you think?  More than a couple, I’d bet!’

‘That’s different!’

‘How?’  Your voice was getting louder as your agitation grew, and you took a deep breath to calm yourself.  ‘All I’m saying is that it might not be as black and white as you think.  Negan might not be the monster that everyone makes him out to be.  I mean, everyone’s got a good side, right?  He’s gotta have reasons for running things the way he does, and the fact that he kept Daryl alive at all is-‘

‘Oh my God!’  He’d been staring at you, disbelief writ over his face, and now a low chuckle escaped him, devoid of any hint of humour, his eyes narrowing as he inched away from you.  ‘It was you!  The letter my Dad found…  You’re writing to Negan.’

‘No, Carl, I-‘

‘That’s what you were reading that day when I came to get you for the run.  I knew you were lying!  You shoved it in your pocket so fast, it was obvious!’

‘Look, I don’t know-‘

He wouldn’t let you get a sentence out, his mind reeling as you desperately sought an explanation that would get you out of this mess.  ‘How long has it been going on, Y/N?’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Stop lying to me!’  He sprang to his feet, staring you down as you cowered away from him, your breath catching in your throat when he adjusted his grip on his knife, almost as if he might lash out at you at any moment.  ‘I told you, I’m not stupid!’

‘Alright, alright, calm down.’  You held your hands out as you climbed slowly to your feet, keeping your movements steady as the blade of his weapon glinted in the sunlight.

‘How long?’  He forced the words out from between gritted teeth, and you swallowed hard, seeing no other way out of this than to be honest.

‘It was a couple of months.’

‘Shit.  Was it always Dwight bringing them in?’

‘Yeah.  I met Negan out on the road, back before I knew who he was.  When I saw him here, I panicked, and I just- just faked indifference, but I liked him, Carl.  He was kind to me, and he fixed my truck so I could get home, and…’  You tailed off, knowing you were telling him too much, but you needed to make him understand.  ‘When he wrote to me the first time, he said he wanted to get to know me and I thought maybe I could earn his trust.  I thought if I could get close to him I might be able to persuade him to go easy on us, to let Daryl go.’  It was partially true.  The thought had crossed your mind, though it was quickly pushed aside as you’d discovered the man behind the bravado.

‘So, what happened?’  Carl’s hand had slipped back to his side, though you could still see the tension in his body.

‘Your Dad caught us,’ you reminded him.  ‘And I told Dwight to let him know that it was over.  I haven’t heard from him since.’  When the boy didn’t speak, you took a tentative step towards him, coming up short when he brought his weapon up again.  ‘Look, I know you’re mad, Carl, and you have every right to be.  I did lie to you.  I know it was a mistake, but I had to try.’

‘You should have told us.’

‘I know.  I just didn’t want to risk him finding out what I was trying to do.  Any tiny sign from anyone that I was just playing him and somebody would’ve gotten hurt.  But it’s done now, I promise.  No more stupid games.  I’m here and I’m on your side.’  Ignoring the blade that was angled at your chest, you moved closer, reaching out to rest a hand on his shoulder.  ‘You can’t tell your Dad about this, Carl.  Please, he can’t know about any of it.’

‘Why not?  You said it was all innocent, that you were doing it for us, so-‘

‘I didn’t come forward when he found out.  That’ll be enough to convince him that I’m a traitor.  He’ll kill me, Carl, or throw me out.  Promise me, this stays between us.’

You could see him waging an internal debate with himself, trying to figure out what to do next, where to go from here.  You could hardly breathe as you waited for him to come to a decision, cursing yourself for being so stupid as to end up with your fate resting in the hands of an impulsive teenage boy.

‘You promise me it’s really over?’

‘Yes, God, yes, I promise.’

‘And if this comes down to a fight, you’ll be on our side?’

It was with less conviction that you nodded this time, your voice barely audible as you forced out, ‘Yes,’ the word leaving a bitter taste in the back of your throat.

‘Then I won’t say anything, at least for now.’  He made to leave you, crossing over the grass towards the main street, before turning back to you with a malicious grin on his face.  ‘You know he has wives, right?  Yeah, like a dozen of them to service his every need.  He never wanted to get to know you, Y/N.  It was never about that.  He just wanted to get to my dad.’

You knew he was trying to hurt you, his trust in you in tatters after your confession, but you refused to show that he’d hit his mark, raising your chin and meeting his gaze.  ‘Well, it’s a good thing I stopped it then, huh?’

‘Yeah, it is.’

The adrenaline left your body all at once as he walked away, and you sank back to the ground with your head in your hands, drained and afraid.  The kid knew.  He had your life in his hands now, and you’d given him that power by succumbing to Negan’s charm and opening up to him, letting him draw you in.  Now, as you fought back the sobs that were building in your throat, you questioned whether it had ever been worth it.


	8. Chapter 8

Negan was restless.  His quarters were cool, the windows cracked open to allow a little of the chill night air to drift in, a welcome relief from the heat that had built up over the course of the day, and yet sweat clung to him as he paced back and forth.  A tumbler of whiskey was clasped between his fingers, the amber liquid sloshing as he moved.  It was late and he’d had a long damn week, so he should be sleeping like a baby by now, but no.  It had been the same since he’d made the decision to let Y/N break things off.  It had been the right thing to do, he was certain of that, but it was killing him – not only her absence from his life but not knowing if she was okay, whether Rick had laid a finger on her.  Dwight had reported back after his visits that she seemed fine, but it still left an uneasy feeling in his stomach.  He’d put her at risk and, if anything happened to her as a result, it would be on his head.

He saw her every time he closed his eyes: her easy smile, the wrinkle of her brow when she frowned, her eyes sparkling as she laughed.  Fuck, she was a cute little thing, and it pained him that he’d let her slip through his fingers.  He should’ve tossed her over his shoulder outside that gas station, brought her back here and locked her up until she gave in and agreed to be his wife, but, in the back of his mind, he knew that he wouldn’t have wanted to do it that way.  She wasn’t just a pretty face.  He actually liked this girl and she seemed to like him.  Plus, she had a stubborn streak a mile wide and there was no way a day or two in the cells would have been enough to break her.  If anything, it would have just driven her further away.

It would help if he could find another release.  After his disastrous evening with Frankie, he’d gone back to avoiding his wives, unable to face a repeat performance, or lack thereof if you wanted to get funny about it.  He had a reputation to maintain and being God’s gift to women was a significant part of that.  If word got round that he couldn’t… Well, it would be the beginning of the end for him.

Tired of staring at the four walls around him, Negan slumped into his desk chair and stared at the map spread out across his desk instead.  Coloured pins showed his location and the locations of the communities he had under his control, all spread out around the beautiful Georgia countryside.  He knew there had to be more out there, but he’d yet to find it, his searches only turning up barren fields, walker-infested towns and small abandoned villages.  Shit, there were places out there now that hadn’t seen a human pass through in months he’d wager, if not years.  You could hole up there and see out your lonely existence without any outside interference at all, if that was your idea of a good time, and it was that thought that sent a flash of inspiration sparking through his brain.

 

* * *

 

Your arms ached as you adjusted your grip on the large cardboard box you were holding to your chest, staggering slightly under its weight.  It was packed full of books – probably not what the Saviors wanted, but it was one of the few things you still had left to give.  The supply runs hadn’t been turning up much in the way of resources, and yet, with Dwight due to turn-up for a pick-up at some point in the next day or so, the community needed something to hand over.  It had been Tara’s idea to raid the make-shift school and sparsely stocked bookcases in people’s homes for books to bulk out the offering, which was why you were now sweating in the Georgia heat, humping boxes from the storeroom to the front gates to reduce the need for Negan’s men to come inside.

As if you’d summoned them through your thoughts, a low rumble of truck engines reached your ears, and you glanced up to see the guards react, their muscles tensing as they watched the vehicles approach.  It sounded like there were only a couple this time, which was something to be glad of.  The haul beside you would fill them nicely and look impressive, hopefully earning the group a little good grace.

‘Get Rick,’ you instructed, waiting for the guy on gate duty to take off, before crossing to the thick metal shutter and throwing your weight against it to slide it back.

You watched as Dwight jumped down from his ride and made his way over, his rangy, long-legged gait closing the distance quickly.  ‘It all here?’

‘Yep.’  You nodded towards the stack of boxes, stepping back to allow him access.  He was all business these days which relieved and frustrated you in equal measures.  Since Carl had found out about you, Negan continued to dominate your thoughts, but it had only strengthened your resolve that you were right to end things when you did.  ‘We got tinned food, some ammo, books-‘

He cut you off there, raising an eyebrow at you incredulously.  ‘Hold up.  Books?  Why in the hell would we need books?’

‘I don’t know.’  You shrugged.  ‘To read?  They’re pretty good for passing the time.  Set up a library or something.’

He thought on that for a moment.  ‘Well, I’ll take ‘em, but I’m not sure the boss is gonna be happy.’

The mention of the head Savior brought a flush to your cheeks and you lowered your voice as you levelled with his henchman.  ‘We’re struggling here, Dwight.  This is all we could get and I don’t have a clue how we’re gonna scrape enough together for the next pick-up.’

‘You’ll manage.’  He gave you a sympathetic smile.  ‘Fear is a great motivator.’

‘This all going, D?’  A bearded man interrupted your conversation and Dwight nodded to him to go ahead, moving aside and brushing against you as he did so.  Something about the way his hand rested against your hip was disconcerting, his touch lingering a little too long, but you pushed it to the back of your mind as Rick appeared, narrowing his eyes when he saw the blonde-haired Savior at your side.

‘Dwight.’

‘Rick.’

‘Any problems?’

‘Not sure about the books, but that’s not my call to make.  Otherwise, we’re good here.  Just loading up and we’ll be on our way.’  His eyes met yours for a fraction of a second, the look intense as though he were trying to tell you something, but you blinked and the moment had passed, leaving you feeling on edge and out of sorts.

‘You okay here, Rick?’ you asked, already backing away, keen to put some distance between you and Negan’s messenger boy.  ‘I’m about due a break.’

‘Sure.’  His eyes didn’t leave the man in front of him as he gave you permission to leave.  ‘You go.  I got this.’

 

* * *

 

Pushing open your front door, you called out, ‘Hello?’ and listened to the silence that answered, relieved that your housemates were still out working.  Making your way into the living room, you collapsed on the couch, kicking your legs up on the soft cushions despite the boots on your feet.  What had Dwight been trying to tell you?  The looks, the graze of his fingers over your thigh…  Was it supposed to be threatening?  Comforting?  Had something happened to Negan?  Your heartbeat faltered at the thought of the lean figure crumpled on the ground, blood oozing from countless wounds, staining the dirt around him red, and you pushed the image from your mind.  No, you’d know if he’d been killed.  Rick had ears to the ground, you were sure, and it wasn’t something he’d keep quiet.

So, what then?

You closed your eyes, picturing the resolve behind Dwight’s stare, the eyebrow that had quirked up a little when you caught his eye, and the slight curl to his sullen lips.  And then his eyes had flicked downwards, or had you imagined that?  You didn’t notice it at the time, but as you replayed the moment, it was clear in your mind.  He’d held your gaze then his eyes had dropped to the same hip that his fingers had brushed over moments before.  Yes, you could still feel his touch pressing into the soft curves, and you brought your hand up to rest over the spot, frowning when you felt a small lump in your pocket.

Slipping your hand inside the worn denim, your fingers grazed against a thin roll, which you tugged out, laying the cigarette in the palm of your hand as you studied it.  It had been rolled by hand, a tuft of tobacco sticking from one end, and, when you looked closer, you could just make out dark shapes inked onto the inside.  Well, it was certainly less conspicuous than a note.

Working fast, your hands shaking with anticipation, you managed to unpeel the join, pinching the dusty filling out between your fingers and depositing it on the arm of the couch, before smoothing out the crinkled paper.

There were no words.  Just a time, followed by a set of coordinates.  He wanted to meet.

Your mouth went dry as you considered what he was proposing.  The time had already passed, so you could only assume that the invitation was meant for tomorrow, and the coordinates, from studying the map before supply runs, you knew to be somewhere roughly halfway between Alexandria and the Sanctuary, maybe a little further West than the logical route would take you, off the beaten track.   You made a mental note to double check, before catching yourself.  Did that mean you intended to go?  You wanted to.  Despite Carl’s revelation about Negan’s wives, your body itched with the need to be close to him, to see if the magnetism you felt from his letters could possibly be as strong in the flesh.  You knew pure physical attraction had drawn you to him initially, but now, with the knowledge of who he was and what he’d been through, his pull was overwhelming.  Besides, he’d told you from the start that he struggled with relationships.  It didn’t sound like he had any particular attachment to the women at his beck and call, though you wouldn’t know for sure without asking him the question, face-to-face.

But how were you supposed to sneak out of the Safe Zone?  The place was a fortress these days, guards on duty around the clock, and you hadn’t been out on a run in months, fuel and ammo prioritised for those with more experience.  What with that and the kid keeping a close eye on your every move, you’d have to be damn believable if you wanted to get through that gate.

Even as you threw up barrier after barrier in your path, considered every worst case scenario that could come from this, you knew it wouldn’t stop you.  If Negan was going to be there, you had to try.

 

* * *

 

You cleared your throat as you leant against the doorframe, watching as the family around the table stopped eating, heads turning in your direction as you gave them an awkward smile.  ‘Sorry to interrupt.  You got a minute?’

Rick eased himself up from his seat, nodding to Michonne to carry on without him as Carl eyed you with suspicion.  ‘Sure.  Outside.’

He ushered you out onto the porch, closing the door behind him and waiting for you to speak as you leant back against the railings, taking a deep breath before making your request.  ‘I want to make a run tomorrow.’

‘Okay.’  He nodded slowly.  ‘I thought we decided-‘

‘Yeah, we did,’ you cut him off, knowing what he was going to say already.  You’d decided that you were of more use inside the fences, but that wasn’t good enough anymore.  ‘I’m going stir crazy in here, Rick.  I need to get out!  Please, I can’t take another day stuck inside these walls.’

His face softened in sympathy as he took in the desperation on your face.  ‘Well, where would you go?’

‘There’s a couple of places I wanna check out,’ you hedged, hoping he wouldn’t push for specifics.  ‘Just pinpricks on the map really, but I’ve got a good feeling about them.  C’mon, please, Rick.’

‘I guess you and Aaron could-‘

‘No.’  You held your hands up, shooting him an apologetic look for cutting him off again.  ‘Sorry, I just…  I want to go alone.  I need some space away from all of this, please.  And I want to feel like I’m contributing again.  I feel so useless just checking fences and counting bullets all day for guns we don’t even have.’

His eyes were fixed on yours, the wheels turning in his head as he weighed up the pros and cons, before finally relenting.  ‘Okay, you can go.  But I’m trusting you here, Y/N.  It don’t sit right, sending people out alone with the Saviors breathing down our necks.’

‘I’ll be careful, I promise.’

‘Alright.  I want you back before dark though.’

‘I promise.’

‘Can I go eat now?’

‘Yes, sorry.’  You pushed yourself off the edge of the porch and jogged down the steps, turning back to give him a grateful smile.  ‘Thanks, Rick.  You have no idea how much I need this.’


	9. Chapter 9

At first, you thought you had the wrong place.  You’d followed Negan’s coordinates to a small town in the middle of nowhere, hidden in a maze of winding backroads, overhung with the drooping boughs of thickset trees.  At the centre was a small patch of green, probably once a well-kept area for picnics and ball-games, but now wild and rambling, the grasses and wildflowers left to grow free without human intervention.  There was no sign of life.  No walkers wandering aimlessly, ravenous jaws hanging slack from their sagging faces, and no signs of raiders coming through.  All of the windows were in tact, the doors neatly closed instead of swinging on their hinges.  Had it not been for the unkempt state of the gardens, it might almost have looked like the world hadn’t ended.

You slowed the truck to a crawl as you circled the block, peering into the houses for any sign of life, but finding none.  For a moment your heart sank at the prospect of being led a merry dance, summoned out here into the back of beyond only to have to return home with nothing to show for the journey but a slightly bruised and battered heart, but then the glint of sunlight reflecting on shiny metal caught your eye and you pulled in to the kerb, leaning forward to make out the tell-tale hood of a silver estate car poking out from the side of a single-storey property on the corner.  It had to be him.  You were certain that nobody else would be out here.

Cutting the engine, you took a deep breath, feeling your palms grow moist on the steering wheel as you contemplated what you were about to do.  The man waiting for you was the enemy.  You’d already risked your place in Alexandria once by daring to write to him, only barely getting away with your dishonesty and still with the threat of Carl’s knowledge hanging over your head.  The sensible thing would be to turn around and go home, pretend this had never happened, but you couldn’t.  Knowing that, at long last, Negan was close by, that the two of you were finally alone, every cell in your body was straining towards him.  You had to see him.

You slid from the truck and pushed the door shut with an ominous creak, swallowing hard as you squared your shoulders.  You could feel your knife against your thigh, hanging from your belt, and its weight gave you confidence.  You could do this.  You’d done so much worse before.  You ran a shaky hand through your hair and began to walk, keeping your pace unhurried as you crossed the street and approached the wooden door, crunching along the gravel pathway.  Your fingers were outstretched as you reached for the handle, but before you could take hold of the cool metal, the door swung inwards and you looked up into a pair of familiar hazel eyes as a deep, gravelly voice rasped, ‘You came.’

 

* * *

 

It wasn’t often that Negan found himself lost for words but when he opened the door to see Y/N standing there, drawing herself up in a show of faux-confidence, it was all he could do to state the damn obvious.  She came.  He hadn’t been sure that she would.  The fact that he’d managed to turn up over an hour early certainly hadn’t helped, as he’d spent the past fifty minutes pacing the room and convincing himself she wouldn’t be as stupid as to risk her home and her safety over a few fucking letters, and yet here she was, right in front of him, and, hell, if she wasn’t the most beautiful thing he’d ever laid eyes on.

Negan had to admit that he had a taste for the finer things in life, particularly when it came to women.  He dressed his wives up like Barbie dolls in little black dresses and fuck-me heels, with tantalisingly lacy lingerie underneath, and, damn, it got his motor running.  But, with her hair tousled from the breeze blowing in through the open window as she drove, her face free from any sort of make-up, ripped-up jeans and a shirt that had seen better days, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her.  Her beauty was in her simplicity and he wanted more than anything to preserve it.  He wondered idly whether she’d been like this before and figured she probably had.  There wasn’t much room for glamour in busy restaurant kitchens, he’d bet.  It didn’t really matter, anyway.  She was perfect, completely fucking perfect.

An uncomfortable cough dragged him from his thoughts and he dropped his gaze to the scuffed toes of her boots, aware that he’d been staring.  ‘Shit, doll, I’m sorry.  I wasn’t expecting to see you.’

‘You mean the note was for someone else?’  Her tone was light and teasing and, when he glanced back at her face, she was smiling at him, one eyebrow quirked.

‘No, no, I just…  I didn’t expect you to show up.’  He ran a hand through his hair, knowing he was disrupting the carefully slicked back style but unable to care in that moment.

‘How could I not?’  She said it like it was obvious, a foregone conclusion.  She’d found the note, knew he wanted to see her, so why the hell wouldn’t she drop everything and drive away from her people to be by his side?  But it wasn’t that simple, they both knew it, and the very fact that she cared enough to play this out with him set her apart from every other person in his life.  Most of them were there because they had to be.  She really should be anywhere else in the world but smiling up at him with hope on her face in this redneck town in the middle of nowhere and yet she’d come without any explanation or need.  It warmed his insides and he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face as he stepped back and motioned for her to come in.

‘Well, it’s damn good to see you, sweetheart.’  As she passed him in the doorway he caught her wrist, her skin hot to his touch, and she paused to look up at him, eyes widening as his fingers trailed over her cheek.  ‘You look good.  I was worried that Rick-‘

‘He doesn’t know,’ she reassured him.  ‘He never figured out who it was.’

‘If he’d hurt you-‘

‘I know.’  He knew she could see the fear and worry in his eyes as he loomed over her, still holding her in place as his hand slipped beneath her chin.  ‘But I’m okay, really.’

He nodded, finally releasing her and letting her move past him into the house, where she stood in the centre of the living room, taking in the chintzy couch that dominated the small space and the ornaments that lined the mantel over the fireplace.  It was all as the owners left it, he imagined, everything in its place, only the fine layer of dust betraying that anything at all untoward was going on.  As she wandered towards the shelf and began toying with the trinkets, picking them up and twisting them in her fingers, he folded himself onto the couch and watched her, trying to marry up the girl before him with the person who wrote to him.  He couldn’t see a hint of her pain in her stance, but he supposed that she was well-practiced now at hiding it, as much for herself as for those around her. Hell, he should know what that was like.  Not one person within the Sanctuary’s walls knew about Lucille and he intended to keep it that way.

Feeling his eyes on her, Y/N glanced up and set the small china cat in her hands back on the mantel, before crossing the room to settle beside him, leaving a few inches of space between them as she tucked one leg up beneath her.  ‘I’m glad you asked me to come here.’

He shifted uncomfortably, unsure if she was being entirely honest.  ‘I know you told me to leave you alone, doll, and I tried, I really fucking tried, but I just couldn’t do it.’

‘It’s okay.’  Her hand crept across her lap and found his, resting just above his knee, lacing her fingers through his much larger ones.  ‘I missed you too.  I hated having to tell you not to write again but I panicked and I didn’t know what else to do.  Rick was so mad, I mean, like, scary mad, and I couldn’t risk getting found out.  I’d lose everything.’

‘Busted Dwight’s balls for that,’ he admitted, noting the small smirk that flashed across her face.  ‘Couldn’t fucking believe he’d be dumb enough to get caught.’

‘It wasn’t his fault, not really.  It was pretty inevitable, wasn’t it?’

‘You think?’

‘Well, how did you expect it to end?  I mean, where do we even go from here?’

‘Well, for a start, I think the fact that you’re saying ‘we’ is a good fucking sign.’

She sighed, rubbing over a callous on his palm with the pad of her thumb.  ‘I like you.’

‘And I like you, doll.’

‘But I still don’t know you, Negan, not really.  Y’know, you can’t tell much from a few letters and I can’t just leave everything behind for something that might not last.’

He knew where she was coming from.  Hell, hadn’t he thought the same damn thing himself when he berated himself for pining over her?  But God, now she was close enough to touch, her sweet, floral scent hovering in the air around him, he was damned if he was going to let her go.  ‘You might not be able to tell much from a few letters, but I can tell that I wanna know more.  I don’t want this to fucking end.’

‘Neither do I.’

‘So, you tell me.  Where do you want to go from here?’

‘I don’t know.’  She was chewing on her lip, teeth gnawing away on the pillowy flesh, and he longed to see what that might taste like.

‘Okay, well, I’ll give you a few options, shall I?  Paint a pretty fucking picture for you to think on.’

She only shrugged but he could tell she was desperate for him to come up with a solution that she could agree to.  ‘Go for it.’

‘Alright.’  He thought for a moment, before deciding to leap straight in with the option he found preferable, though he knew she’d shoot him down.  ‘What if you didn’t go back?  What if you came with me, right now, to the Sanctuary?  I could keep you safe.  We’ve got food, water, fences.  You wouldn’t have to work for anything, wouldn’t need to fight anymore.  You’d be mine and everyone would fucking know it.  That’s what I want.’

He didn’t expect her to tug her hand away and stare him down with a faint hint of disgust written over her features.  ‘Really?  That’s what you want?’

‘Sure, doll.  Fuck, I want you there when I wake up in the morning.  I really want you there when I crawl into bed at night.  You’re the only person in this fucked up world that actually gives a shit about me, so, yeah, I want you by my side.’

‘And how would your wives fit into that picture exactly?’

Negan felt himself recoil from the venom in her tone as his mind reeled, trying to figure out how she knew about his harem of ladies.  ‘What the- How-?’  And then it hit him.  ‘The kid.  Shit, I didn’t- I don’t-‘

‘So, you don’t have a whole bunch of wives to use as you see fit then?  Carl lied?’

Her eyes were narrowed, her lips drawn into a tight line as she waited for him to answer.  ‘It’s not like that, Y/N.  Those girls, they need something from me.  By making them my wives I can make sure that they never go without.’

‘So, you aren’t making them fuck you for that privilege then?’  His silence was the only answer she needed and she sat back, leaning away from him, with her arms crossed over her chest.  ‘That’s what I thought.’

‘Why did you come here if you knew?’ he challenged her, unable to stand the way she was looking at him now.  ‘Just to get my hopes up so you could shoot me down?’

‘No, I-‘

‘’Cause, yeah, it might’ve been like that before, but since you…  I haven’t fucking touched them!  Not one of them!  I tried when you cut me loose and told me to back off, thought I could use one of them to get you out of my head, but it didn’t fucking work, okay?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean, that even though my head was in it, other parts of my anatomy weren’t fucking playing ball, alright?  That’s what you’ve done to me!  And that’s not something I admit fucking lightly, doll!’  He hated having to admit it.  Ladies, sex… It was what he did and now he couldn’t even do that.  Still, the small bubble of laughter that escaped her lips more than made up for his shame and, when he glanced in her direction, her smile made his stomach dip.  ‘You’re seriously laughing at me?’

‘What?  It’s funny!’  She nudged him with her elbow and he couldn’t help but grin back at her as she shook her head.  ‘I’m sorry, I just…  I mean, that’s quite  a problem you’ve got there.’

‘Yeah, I guess it is.’  He waited for her to calm as she dissolved into another round of giggles, before growing serious again.  ‘I’m just trying to tell you that the others, they don’t fucking matter.  They haven’t since I met you.  If you come back with me, I’ll kick their asses to the kerb, I swear.’

She sighed and he hated the frown that stole away the smile he’d earned through his humiliating admission.  ‘I still can’t do it, Negan.  You know that.’

‘Fine, then don’t come back as mine.  Come back and work for me.  You can work in the kitchens, hell, you can run ‘em if you want.’

‘And if we don’t work out?’

‘Then we don’t.  I’m not gonna turf your ass out just ‘cause you’re not writing me love letters anymore.’

‘They were never love letters in the first place,’ she retorted, though he could see the warmth behind her eyes.  ‘It’s too soon.  I’m sorry, I just… I can’t do it, not yet.  Like I said before, I barely know you, so I can’t pin everything on something that might be over before it’s started.’

‘Alright, I get it.’  He’d known really that she wouldn’t be going back with him, not today.  He knew in his heart that it was too soon and that, by forcing it, it was likely he’d fuck it all up and ruin a good thing.  So, on to plan two…  ‘What if we keep doing this then?  Come and meet me, once a week, or once a fortnight, or whenever you fucking want.  We’ll get to know each other better.  Hell, there’s a bedroom through there where we can get to know each other a whole lot better if you’re up for it.  This place is fucking deserted and it’s miles from anywhere.  It can be our little secret.’

‘And I’m meant to sneak away once a week, how, exactly?’  She was conflicted, he could tell, frustrated by the obstacles that she was forced to throw up in their path.  ‘We’re not exactly on lock-down, but Rick keeps a pretty good eye on our comings and goings these days.’

‘What did you tell him this time?  Supply run?’

‘Yeah, but I can’t keep disappearing off on runs and coming back empty-handed. People will get suspicious, and Carl…’  She tailed off, and he leant forward as he felt her body stiffen with tension.

‘The little serial-killer?  What about him?’

‘He knows.  About us.  About the letters.  He knows it was me.’

‘Shit.  How?’

‘He figured it out.  He’s a smart kid.’

‘But he hasn’t told daddy dearest?’

‘Not yet.’  She exhaled heavily, her fingers worrying at a loose thread on her jeans.  ‘I told him it was over and he promised to stay quiet, but if he thinks I’m sneaking out…  He’s got no reason to protect me, Negan.’

Negan hadn’t planned for this.  The whole time it was a secret, the risk was measured, worth it, but if the kid knew…  Everytime Y/N came to him, she’d potentially be signing her own death warrant.  If Rick found out that, not only had she betrayed him, but she’d also lied to him and dragged his son into her charade, he’d kill her for sure.  Yet, a selfish part of him still couldn’t give her up.  He needed this.  Hell, now that he’d sat down and spoken to her face-to-face, he needed it more than ever.

‘What if you did have supplies?’

‘What?’

‘What if you took supplies back with you?  Shit, we’ve got plenty coming in at the Sanctuary.  Nobody’d notice if I packed something up, brought it out here for you a couple of times a month.  You could take them back, make out like you found ‘em somewhere, cover your ass.  Would that work?’

He could see the wheels turning in her head as she considered this, how it would work, if it could possibly work, and then she nodded slowly and he felt a weight lift from his shoulders.  ‘Yeah, I could do that.  Are you sure that’s okay?’

‘Fucking perfect, doll.  I’ll just have to make sure I don’t give you back anything we’ve taken from you, but that should be easy enough.’

‘And then we can keep doing this?’

‘As often as you want.’

 

* * *

 

You talked for another hour after that, filling in the gaps that the letters hadn’t covered about your lives before.  Negan made you laugh and, despite his questionable use of language, he was articulate and easy to listen to.  His hand was covering yours again, fingertips grazing over your knuckles, and you couldn’t tear your gaze away from his, happily losing yourself in the depths of his chocolate brown irises, feeling your heart skip a beat every time he smiled and those dimples appeared beneath the fine layer of stubble that covered his cheeks.  Everything that you’d felt for him after receiving his letters had amplified tenfold as he sat beside you in the living room that time forgot and the thought of leaving him had you feeling bereft, even as he tugged you to your feet, urging you to get going, wanting to know you’d be back behind Alexandria’s fences when the light faded.

‘I don’t want to go,’ you admitted, half-hoping that he’d suggest you stayed, both of you, so you could spend the night wrapped up in his arms, but you knew it was a bad idea.  There were people waiting on you and disappearing for a night would only raise Carl’s suspicions.

‘Fuck, doll, neither do I, but I can’t have you out roaming the streets in the dark.’

‘I know.’

‘But we’re on for next week, right?  Same time, same place.’

‘I’ll be here.’  His smile made your knees weak and you tightened your hold on his hand, a small gasp escaping you when he pulled you closer, so you had to tilt your head back to see his face.  ‘I wish things were different.  I wish it didn’t have to be this hard.’

‘I know.’  He stroked your hair back from your face, his touch gentle, his voice low and hypnotic.  ‘But it’ll be worth it, I promise, sweetheart.’

‘How do you know?’

You couldn’t breathe as he lowered his face to you, his lips brushing gently over your own, sending a spark of electricity through your veins and setting every nerve ending alight.  Once, twice, three times, his mouth ghosted against yours before he sunk into you, his arms snaking around your waist to pull you flush against him as your hands instinctively went to rest on his shoulders, steadying yourself as he kissed you ravenously.  He tasted like mint and whiskey, and you lost all sense of time and reason as you let him devour you.  When he finally pulled away you were breathless and light-headed, your hands shaking with need, as he shot you a crooked smile.  ‘That’s how I know.’

He was ushering you towards the door, when all you wanted to do was stay and indulge yourself with more of those deliciously heady kisses, but you did as he said, slipping out into the late afternoon and heading for your truck with leaden limbs. You could feel his eyes burning in to you but you couldn’t look back, afraid that if you did you wouldn’t be able to stop yourself from running into his arms and agreeing to anything and everything he suggested if it meant you could be kissed like that every single day.

As you slid behind the steering wheel, you took a deep breath, needing a moment to collect yourself before you started the engine.  And in your head, a countdown began for one week’s time when you could see him again.


	10. Chapter 10

‘I’m telling you, boss, our control is slipping.  If we don’t act soon, we’re gonna have a rebellion on our hands.’

‘I’ve noticed that, too.  The offerings aren’t up to standard.  I mean, the quantity’s still there-’

‘But the quality’s gone to shit, that’s what I’m saying, right?  I don’t think it’s the leaders-’

‘Nah, it’s not the leaders.  The King’s still on board from what I can tell, but-’

‘It’s their people, that’s what it is.  They’re starting to push back, question what they’re being told to do-’

‘And we’re ending up with nothing more than their scraps.’

‘We’ve gotta do something, sir, with all due respect.  We need to shut these people down before it gets worse.’

‘We got a lotta mouths to feed in here and we can’t do that off of rotten meat and mouldy fruit.’

‘Don’t even get me started on the books!’

‘I kinda liked the books.’

‘You would.’

Negan barely listened as his lieutenants talked over each other, desperate to press home to him the reality of the situation they now found themselves in.  He knew things were going south, if he was honest with himself, but he was struggling to find the focus to do anything about it.  Now, as they lined the long table in his makeshift Ops Room, he found himself trailing his fingers along Lucille’s smooth wooden handle and trying to shut out the raised voices around him.  He didn’t wanna hear it.  He didn’t wanna hear any of it.  Surely that was the point of having officers, wasn’t it?  To shoulder the weight of the work that needed to be done and get the fuck on and do it.  Not to come whining to him at the first sign of trouble, desperate for him to go in with his baseball bat and shut the shit down for them.  Goddamn, they were useless.  Problem was, at this point, he didn’t have anybody better lined up for the task.

‘Alright,’ he sighed at last, kicking his legs back to the floor from where they’d been resting on the corner of the table and sitting up straighter, stroking his fingers over his beard as he thought for a moment.  ‘All these things you’re telling me, they sound very much like your problems.’

‘But, boss, it’s gone too far for-’

‘Enough!’  He grasped Lucille and brought her crashing down against the table, her vicious wire barbs scratching into the wooden surface.  The resounding crash was enough to silence even the most arrogant of his sub-leaders and silence fell.  ‘Well, now there’s the sound I love the most.  When I talk you fucking listen and you listen good!  As I was saying, these are your problems.  Hell, this is exactly the kind of thing I employ you to deal with.  You don’t get free points for sitting on your asses all day then bringing those same pale pansy-asses whining to me as soon as shit gets hard!’

He leant forward on his elbows, his eyes flicking from face to face as he stared them down, finding some full of fear, others resentment.  ‘But, because I’m a good goddamn leader, here’s what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna give you all one last chance to prove that you’re capable of doing your fucking jobs.  I want you all to get out there and tell your communities that I have said that they need to get their shit together and start providing!  Tell ‘em Lucille here’s getting a little thirsty and that maybe she and I need to start doing house calls to ensure that everyone’s playing their part in this little supply chain we’ve got going here!’

‘And if things don’t improve?’  It was Simon that spoke up.  Of course it was.  If there was anyone that was going to challenge him it would be that dick.  He was always vying for control, undermining him, trying to make him look weak.

‘If things don’t improve, then I’ll ship out with you at the next collection date and I will exert my authority, again.’  Negan ran a hand through his hair as a look of resignation settled over his face.  ‘But I can’t say it’ll end well for the lieutenant responsible for keeping everyone in line and making sure that shit’s not necessary.  Oooh, no, sir, I cannot.’

As the body’s around the table shifted uncomfortably, he found himself growing increasingly irritated and he dismissed them with a flick of his hand, though he knew the conversation should be far from over.  ‘Get the fuck out of my sight, all of you, and I don’t wanna be disturbed for the rest of the day.  Do your fucking jobs!’

He could hear the whispers as they made hasty exits, could feel the daggers being shot in his direction, but he paid them no mind.  He couldn’t begin to care about anything other than the girl that right that minute might be being tortured by Rick back in Alexandria.  Why had he let her go back there?  Especially after she’d told him about the kid finding out.  Shit, how much did it take to convince a young boy to spill the beans on anything?  A handful of candy or the chance to feel important, that was all.  Hell, he knew.  He’d been that age once.  She wasn’t safe, that was the damn point that he couldn’t get past in his head, and he didn’t have a clue what to do about it.  All he could do was count down the days until he could see her again and pray that she showed.

 

* * *

 

‘Y/N?  Hey, Y/N, you with me?’

You weren’t even aware that you were being spoken to until Eric clicked his fingers in front of your face, dragging you from your daydreams and pulling you back to the present.  ‘Sorry, what?’

‘Wow, you were a million miles away, huh?’

‘God, I must’ve been.’  You ran a hand through your hair, raking it out of your eyes, as you blinked dazedly at your friend.  ‘What’s going on?’

‘I was going to ask you to join me on watch duty, but I think I just decided that you’re not up for it.’

‘No, no, I am,’ you reassured him, levering yourself up from your seat on your porch steps, hand automatically sliding to your waist to check that your knife was tucked into your belt, but he was already backing away.

‘It’s okay, really.  I’ll go see if Aaron’s done with his jobs for the day.  He’ll be better company anyway.’  He winked at you to show that there were no hard feelings before turning and heading back down the street, and you let out a frustrated huff.

You knew you were a mess.  Since your meeting with Negan you’d been good for nothing, constantly lost in your own thoughts because, honestly, they were just a nicer place to be.  Standing in the living room of that abandoned house, with his arms around you and his mouth moving on yours…  The way that kiss had made you feel…  That was soulmate territory right there, you were sure of it.  You weren’t the sappy romantic type, really you weren’t.  As you’d admitted to Negan in one of your letters, relationships didn’t really suit you.  You were fiercely independent, back when being that way didn’t get you killed, and after a few months with one person you found yourself getting claustrophobic and pulling away.  But you couldn’t imagine ever pulling away from somebody who could make you feel things like that with just a kiss.  Maybe it was the danger or the distance or how new it all was, but just the memory of it caused heat to rise in your cheeks and you’d found yourself losing time, slipping back to reality to find someone like poor Eric trying to engage you in conversation, or the meal that you’d been cooking on the stove burned to the bottom of the pan.  Either way, it felt like it had been months since you’d been close enough to him to see that devilish glint in Negan’s eye, to hear the seductive gravel of his voice, and it had only been days.  You weren’t counting days anymore, you were counting hours, minutes, seconds until you could see him again and it was driving you crazy.

‘Thought Eric was asking you to do watch duty with him?’

You glanced up to see Carl watching you through narrowed eyes from the sidewalk and shrugged innocently.  ‘Guess he decided he’d rather spend the time with his boyfriend.’

‘You were thinking about him just then, weren’t you?’  As the boy sauntered up the path, all swinging arms and attitude, you swallowed hard, frowning at him as though confused.  

‘About Aaron?  Not really my type, buddy.’

‘About Negan.’  He was still glaring at you as he stared you down, not moving to sit beside you even when you shuffled over to give him space.  ‘You had this dreamy expression on your face like you were miles away.  Were you thinking about him?’

‘No.’  You raised an eyebrow as you watched him shake his head.  ‘I wasn’t.  Haven’t thought about him in weeks.’

‘So, where did you go in your head just then?’

‘Out on the road.  Your dad’s letting me go out on some runs and it’s got me feeling a lot better about things.  I like being out there, outside of the fences.  It does me good to have a little freedom.’

‘He’s letting you go on runs?’  Obviously this was news to Carl whose face had contorted in disbelief.  ‘What?  Alone?’

You should have known that would be a massive red flag to him, but he was going to find out sooner or later and you figured sooner would be better, giving him time to adjust to the idea, giving you an opportunity to talk him down.  ‘Yeah.  I asked.  I’m finding it kinda hard to be stuck in here all the time, especially after you guys taught me to fight and scavenge.  I want to be useful, y’know, use what I learnt from Daryl and from Glenn.  I didn’t have much luck last time I went out, but I saw a couple of road signs for towns I haven’t even heard of.  Figured I’d swing by and check them out next time.’

‘He wouldn’t let you if he knew.’  You could see that there was an internal struggle going on within the kid’s brain and you felt for him, hating yourself a little for putting him in this position.  ‘If Dad knew about you and Negan, he’d never let you leave.  He wouldn’t think you could be trusted.’

‘But he doesn’t know and he’s not going to, right?  You know it’s over, Carl.  I told you.  I promised!’

‘Doesn’t mean I know it.’  He scuffed his boot against the floor, refusing to meet your gaze.  ‘You could be putting all of us in danger.’

‘Carl, I-’

‘I can’t.’  He held his hands up to stop you, adjusting the battered sheriff’s hat that sat atop his head.  ‘I can’t hear it again.  I need time to think.’

As he span on his heel and walked away, you let your head fall forward onto your knees, fisting your hair as you growled in frustration.  Dammit, how had you ended up in this mess?  Trust it to be you, of all people, that ended up falling for the damn bad guy, or at least the guy that was supposed to be the bad guy.  You couldn’t look at him that way though, you just couldn’t.  He wasn’t a bad guy, he was just playing the hand he’d been dealt, like all of you.  The world you lived in now forced people to the extremes, but Negan had found a way to make it work, and the system that he was trying to put in place wasn’t unlike the way the world had worked before, though of course he had to resort to bloodier measures to keep it running smoothly.  He was trying to bring back order and civilisation, rules and trade, and you couldn’t hate him for that.  You just wished that those around you could see it that way, but you knew that they never would.  There had been too much death.

Four more days, you told yourself, repeating it in your head like a mantra.  Four more days, then three more days, then two, and then it was tomorrow, and you could barely sleep.  The excitement and anxiety churned in your stomach all night, until the first rays of morning light crept in through your window and it was finally time.


	11. Chapter 11

The house was empty as you stepped through the front door, wandering the deserted rooms with a frown on your face.  The silver saloon car was parked outside as it had been the week before, but there was no sign of Negan, your voice cutting through the silence as you called his name, a knot forming in your stomach.  For a moment, you replayed the days in your head, wondering if you’d gotten it wrong, if maybe you should’ve been there the day before or weren’t due until tomorrow, but the presence of the vehicle in the driveway told you differently.  Without the comfort of Negan’s company, the pristinely preserved home felt eerie, the hairs on the back of your neck raising as if you expected to run across the ghosts of the past inhabitants, ready to cast judgement over you and chase you away.  You shuddered at the thought, ready to turn and head for the door, remove yourself from the situation until your heart rate had returned to normal.  You’d been so excited to come here, to see him again.  You’d snuck away as soon as the sun came up, eager to put some distance between yourself and Alexandria before the rest of the inhabitants were up and about, and you’d expected to find him here waiting for you.  Where the hell was he?  Had something happened?

A muffled thud from the kitchen had you drawing your knife and you retraced your steps towards the back of the house, moving slowly, alert to any danger, on edge as your mind ran away with you.  Movement flashed across your vision and you raised the blade, slashing it through the air before long fingers wrapped around your wrist, halting your assault.  

‘Jesus, doll, what the hell are you doing?’

You blinked dazedly up into Negan’s bemused face, your pulse pounding in your ears as he carefully removed the knife from your grasp and laid it on the countertop.  'Shit, Negan, you scared me.  I saw your car but you weren’t here and then I heard a noise and I thought-’

He shut down your rambling by ducking his head to capture your lips, kissing you long and hard as you melted against him, clutching at his forearms.  'I’m sorry I scared you, sweetheart.  I didn’t hear you come in.’

'Where were you?’ you asked, breathlessly.

The smile that quirked up his lips caused butterflies to take flight in your tummy and the wink that followed only increased the sensation.  'Come with me.’

His fingers laced through yours and he tugged gently on your hand, encouraging you to follow him out through the back door and into the backyard.  You stepped out onto a stretch of wooden decking, humming in contentment as you took in the beauty of the abandoned garden.  The grass grew tall, reaching towards the blue, cloudless sky, and the green was interspersed with the crystal colours of wildflowers that sprung up here and there, flourishing under the neglect.  Tall trees bordered the space, casting dappled shadows over the scene, and, as Negan led you across the freshly-swept wooden planks, you finally noticed the small picnic blanket spread out beneath the kitchen window, a wicker hamper at its centre.

'Wow, you went all out.’  You tried to sound teasing, keep the mood light-hearted, but your words caught in your throat, emotion overwhelming you at the thought that he’d put in to the date.  You knew now without asking that the garden was the reason he’d chosen this particular house as a meeting place, that he’d been planning this from the start in the hope that you’d agree to see him again.

His hand ghosted over your back, a look of satisfaction on his face as he took in your reaction.  'Yeah, well, you’re fucking special, doll.  I wanted to do something nice for you, show you that I’m fully committed to this thing.’

'I already know you’re committed,’ you reassured him.  'We’re both taking risks here.  I could be a double agent, finding out all of your weaknesses and reporting them back to Rick.’

'Shit, princess, I’m offended that you think I’ve got any damn weaknesses.’

'You don’t?’

'I didn’t.’

'What changed?’ you asked, curious.

'You.’  You felt your cheeks flush under the intensity of his gaze as he pulled you closer, and your hands came to rest on his chest as his arms snaked around your waist.  'I fucking missed you, doll.  Been going out of my damn mind all week thinking 'bout you.  My lieutenants haven’t got a lick of sense out of me in days.’

'Sounds like the big boss is slipping,’ you giggled, flexing your fingers against the soft fabric of his t-shirt.

'Slipping?  Shit, baby girl, I’m falling.  Hard.’

'Me too,’ you admitted, reaching up to trail your fingers over the salt and pepper stubble that coated his jaw.  'I missed you.’

'You know it doesn’t have to be like this, right?  There’s still a place for you at the Sanctuary, Y/N.  You could come back with me-’

'I can’t,’ you interrupted, shaking your head.  More than anything you wanted to, to leave with him and make your home at his side, but you were conscious that it was all still so new.  'I’m sorry, Negan, I am, but it’s just too soon.’

You thought he might argue, try to push you into it, but he just nodded thoughtfully, stepping aside and guiding you towards the blanket that awaited.  'I get it.  Come on, let’s eat.’

 

* * *

 

Negan couldn’t take his eyes off of her as she tore chunks of bread from the fresh loaf that he’d requested the kitchen bake for him that morning.  She sighed happily as she chewed, savouring the taste and the texture, finding enjoyment in the rare treat.  He’d also brought along ham, cut from the slabs of pork provided to them by the Kingdom, and fresh vegetables from the Hilltop’s haul.  It was a feast by apocalypse standards and, as she devoured it, he could picture her in the middle of a busy kitchen, tasting and creating, an island of calm in a turbulent sea.  

He’d also brought along fresh juice from the apples his men had gathered at an orchard they’d stumbled across trying to navigate their way around a herd of walkers, and they washed down their meal with greedy swigs of the sweet liquid, rubbing their hands over their mouths to wipe away the errant drops that gathered at the corners of their lips.

And they talked.  God, Negan thought he could listen to her talk for hours and not get bored.  He liked the soft hum of her voice, the way she said his name, and the eloquent way she worded her sentences.  He ate up her intelligence and the unique observations she made about the world.  But most of all, he loved how relaxed she seemed in his company, how willingly she shared her thoughts with him and how easily she laughed.  There weren’t many people in his world now that weren’t afraid of him, possibly none, so her obvious comfort in his presence was refreshing and welcome.

'My wife,’ he began, correcting himself when Y/N’s eyes narrowed, 'my real wife, Lucille, she fucking loved picnics.’  Those narrowed eyes widened as though surprised that he was opening up about his past love, and to be honest, he was pretty surprised himself, but he wanted to share these things with her.  He wanted her to know him and he was grateful when she stayed silent, waiting for him to go on.  'There was this spot a couple of hours drive from us, a park right next to the river.  We used to head down there on the weekends, set up by the water, stay there 'til it started getting dark.  Damn perfect days.’  He hadn’t really thought about it much at the time, that little routine of theirs, but now he recognised it as the place he felt most at peace.

'You don’t really appreciate that stuff 'til it’s gone, huh?’  It was as if she’d read his thoughts and he leaned back on the blanket, cushioning his head with one arm whilst the other reached out to wrap around Y/N as she curled against his chest.  

‘Tell me about it.  You have to hold on to the little moments, sweetheart.  Don’t you let any of the good shit still left in life pass you by.’

'I’m here, aren’t I?’  The look of naked adoration on her face spoke to something deep inside him and he found himself too choked up to talk.  It had been a long time since anyone had considered him go be a good thing, even Lucille, and more than anything he wanted to be fucking worthy of that look.

When he couldn’t control the unexpected rush of emotion, he went with his natural instinct, rolling on to his side and slipping his hand under her chin, tilting her head up so that he could kiss her, delighting in the needy whimper that escaped her as their lips met.  Fuck, he could kiss her for hours, could do all kinds of deliciously filthy things to her, desperate to feel her body writhing against his as he brought her to the brink again and again.  She tasted sweet from the juice and her mouth was soft as it melded against his own.  

Her fingers were clutching at his hair, fisting his carefully slicked-back style into tousled tufts, as his hands roamed over her, pulling her closer, not content until her body was flush with his, her leg hitched over his waist.  Damn, he wanted to push it further, see how far she’d let him explore, discover all the secret places that would make her fall apart, but at the same time he wanted to savour her as she had the food, taking his time, revelling in every kiss and getting off on the anticipation of what might happen, rather than diving in and rushing things.  The thought made him chuckle, and she pulled away, confused.  'What is it?’

'I must really fucking like you, doll, you know that?’

'I was getting that impression.’  She quirked an eyebrow at him and he suppressed a groan as a warm wave of lust broke over him.

'Do you have any idea what you do to me?’

'Shut up and show me,’ she ordered with a seductive grin on her face.  'We still have a couple of hours before I have to leave.’

'Yes, ma’am.’

 

* * *

 

You stared at yourself in the bathroom mirror, prodding tentatively at your swollen lips and gently smoothing over the stubble burn on your cheeks.  You’d spent the past hour wrapped around Negan as he kissed you until you were incapable of coherent thought, and it has taken you excusing yourself for a moment to compose yourself and quell the raw want pulsing inside of you for him to release you from his embrace.  From what you’d heard of Negan’s reputation, you were surprised he hadn’t tried to take things further, but you found that you were glad that he hadn’t.  The afternoon had been perfect and it was with a warm glow inside of you that you turned and head back out to meet him.

He was on his feet when you stepped back outside, packing the blanket into the hamper and readying himself to leave.  The sight broke your heart a little and yet, as you looked to the sky, you realised it was time to go.

'Same time next week,’ you asked hopefully, and he nodded as he closed the space between you, dipping his head to kiss down your neck.  

'Already counting down the days, doll.’

'Me too.’

He took your hand, leading you again, but this time it was back through the house and into the street, your limbs heavy with resistance.  'Fuck, I hate saying goodbye to you.’  

He released you to sling the basket into the back seat of his car, before leaning further in and dragging out a crate loaded with tins and jars.  

'What’s that?’

'Supplies for your cover story.’  He watched as you surveyed the offering, clearing his throat.  'This I can do, but I can’t give you weapons, sweetheart.  You understand that, right?’

'Yeah.’  You nodded, moving to take the load from his hands but he shrugged you off, already making for your truck where it was parked further down the road.  'Thank you.’

'Well, it goes against the fucking grain doing anything to help Rick the prick in his sorry fucking existence, but I’ll do anything if it means I can keep seeing you.’

'Thank you,’ you murmured again, pulling open the passenger door and moving aside to let him deposit the crate in the footwell.  'Really, Negan, this makes it so much easier for me.  I appreciate it, I do.’

As he stepped back, you wrapped your arms around his neck, holding him tight and letting the soft thrum of his pulse settle the churning in your stomach at the thought of leaving him.

'We gotta go, sweetheart.’

'I know.’

'I’ll see you real fucking soon, okay?’

You pushed yourself up on tiptoes to meet his lips one more time, before brushing past him and climbing into the truck, starting the engine before you could find an excuse to turn back.  As you pulled away, you risked a glance in your rearview mirror to see him still standing there, watching you go, one hand raised in a wave.  Going back home was already getting harder, almost too hard, and you wondered how much longer you were going to be able to hold out on his offer to join him at the Sanctuary.  Could you give up the life you’d built if it meant having him completely?  The question would haunt you on the long drive home, until bigger issues raised their ugly heads when you entered the Safe Zone once again.  


	12. Chapter 12

You’d spent most of the drive home in a daze, your mind fuzzy with contentment as you replayed the afternoon in your head.  Your stomach felt fuller than it had done in a long time after your feast of fresh food, and your lips felt bruised, still tingling from Negan’s luxurious kisses.  You could still taste him, smell his scent on your clothes, almost as if he were there riding next to you, and a part of you considered turning the truck around and heading towards the Sanctuary.  You knew pretty much where it was from Carl’s description and you knew you wouldn’t be turned away, but the rattle of jars and cans in the footwell beside you spurred you onwards towards the Safe Zone.  Your people needed the supplies and, if they were the one thing you had to offer in return for your betrayal, then you were obligated to get them back to them.  

When you pulled the truck through the gate, the shift in atmosphere in Alexandria was tangible.  Excited whispers filled the streets as people lined the sidewalks, grouped together, casting sideways glances towards Rick as he exited the church.  You’d obviously missed something, and, as you climbed from the driver’s seat, the sheriff beckoned you over.  

‘How was the run?’

‘Fine.  Uneventful.’  You nodded, gesturing back towards the parked vehicle.  ‘Got some tins in there to add to the larder, should tide us over for a little longer.  There are a couple more places I want to check out, too, but I ran out of time.  I’ll head back over there next week.’

‘We’ll see.’  Something crossed his expression and you cocked your head to one side.

‘Have I missed something, Rick?’

‘Town meeting.  I’ll fill you in.  You got a minute now?’

‘I just gotta drop this stuff off to be inventoried and wash up, then I’m good.  Is that okay?’’

‘Sure.  Come over when you’re ready.’  

‘Of course.’  You turned to leave, heading to retrieve your haul, when Rick stopped you, resting a hand on your shoulder as his face softened.  

‘Well done out there.  I mean it.  I see what you’re doing, trying to provide for us, make things easier with the Saviors.  I appreciate it, I do.  You’ve come so far since we got here.  We’re gonna need you in this fight.’

‘Fight?’

I’ll fill you in,’  He repeated his earlier words with a tight smile, resting one hand on his hip as he nodded towards the truck.  ‘Do what you need to, but hurry, okay?  There are things you need to know.’

 

* * *

 

Rick’s house was quiet when you stepped over the threshold, pausing while he shut the door behind you before shepherding you towards the couch.  You idly wondered where Michonne and the kids were, but couldn’t pay it too much mind.  Your thoughts were dominated by whatever news he was about to give you, your stomach churning with anticipation and fear.  If you were honest with yourself, you already knew where this was going.  He’d mentioned a fight and that could only be against the Saviors.  Who else was there that posed as big a threat?  What you didn’t understand was how or why.  Why now?  What had changed?

You gave him a tight smile as he dropped down beside you, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the faded knees of his jeans, his lips drawn in a thin line as he exhaled loudly.  ‘We’re going to war, Y/N.’

Your mouth dropped open, a lead weight settling in your stomach as your worst fears were realised.  ‘War?  With the Sanctuary?’

‘And the rest of them.  Negan has men all over.  We know of at least three other outposts and there are probably more.’

‘But how, Rick?  I mean, he has Daryl, right?  You know what he’ll do to him if we-’

‘Daryl escaped.’  For the first time in months, a genuine smile pulled up the corners of his mouth, his brow uncreased, his eyes bright.  ‘He got himself out of there and Jesus found him.  He’s safe.’

‘He’s at the Hilltop?’

‘No.  That’s the other thing you need to know.  We’ve found another community.  Jesus took us there today.  It’s called the Kingdom.  It’s a couple of hours from here.  Negan’s controlling them too.  His reach is just…  It’s far bigger than I ever imagined.’

‘And you still think it’s smart to go against him?’

‘The more people living under his thumb, the more allies we have in this fight.  The Hilltop are already rallying their troops, despite what Gregory says.  Maggie’s built herself up quite a following there.  It’s only a matter of time before we get the King on board too.’

‘The- the King?’

‘King Ezekiel.  He leads the Kingdom.  Yeah, don’t ask.’  He shook his head at your raised eyebrow.  ‘He’s pretty reluctant right now.  He’s managed to shield his people from the worst of the Saviors’ aggression and they’ve got a good set-up there.  Most of them don’t even know they’re offering up supplies to another group.’

‘So, what makes you think he’ll risk everything if he’s making it work?’

‘I spoke to some of his men, his soldiers.  They’re not happy, Y/N.  Negan’s demanding more and more, and it won’t be long before they buckle under the strain.  He won’t be able to hold out if it starts affecting his people.’

You nodded slowly, trying to process all of the new information, though it buzzed through your brain like white noise, grating and riling you up.  You didn’t know what to say, what to do in this situation.  Your position was already shaky, your loyalties divided, but now…  You didn’t know what side you were supposed to come down on if this war came to pass.

‘How do we even fight with no guns?’  It was a logical question and you hoped by asking it that you might get Rick to see sense.  ‘The Saviors took every means we had of protecting ourselves.  We can’t fight a war with knives and spears, Rick.’

‘I’m not sayin’ it’s gonna be easy,’ he agreed.  ‘And it’s not gonna happen overnight.  We need to take our time, step up our supply runs, gather as many weapons as we can.  We won’t make a move until we’re ready, which means we need to keep up appearances.  I still need you out there, bringing in supplies to offer up to Negan’s men when they come knocking, okay?  We can’t let on that anything’s changed or they’ll crush us before we can even get started.’

You sighed, overwhelmed by the enormity of the task ahead.  ‘Is it even possible?  Manpower and allies is one thing, but are there even enough guns left out there?  I don’t remember the last time someone came back with a good weapons haul, not to mention the amount of ammo it’s gonna take to take down an army the size of Negan’s.  I mean, they’ve got Eugene still, right?  He can literally make bullets.  There’s no way they’re gonna run out of shots before we do!’

‘It doesn’t matter.’  Rick’s expression was stern, his gaze unblinking as a calm resignation settled over him.  ‘We’re fighting for the greater good here.  We can’t let people like Negan think they hold all the power.’

‘But people are going to die, Rick!  Our people.  Good people!’

‘I know.  War always comes with casualties, but that doesn’t mean we can shy away from the battle.’

He was convinced that he was doing the right thing, you could see that, and you knew that the majority of the community would agree.  They knew what had happened to Glenn and Abraham, had seen Daryl trailing after Negan with blood crusted to his skin and his shoulders slumped, had watched as their tormentor gutted Spencer in the middle of the street.  The hatred they held for him was toxic and dangerous, and they would all be ready to throw themselves into the fight if needed.  

The reality of Daryl’s escape was the only positive you could find in the whole miserable conflict and you focused on that, if only to keep your expression nonchalant so as not to betray the turmoil churning inside of you.  ‘How is he?  Daryl.  Is he okay?’

‘He will be.’  Rick’s eyes dropped to the floor and he rubbed a hand over his face.  ‘Honestly, he looks pretty broken right now.  I’ve never seen him look so defeated.  What they did to him…’  He tailed off, his eyes flickering shut as he took a second to compose himself.  ‘He needs this, Y/N.’

‘I get it.’  And you did.  God, if it wasn’t for the fact that you were so entirely besotted with him, you’d probably want Negan dead, too.  You’d wanted Rick dead way back, when he’d come in and taken over Alexandria in a matter of weeks, tearing apart the facade of normality that Deanna had worked hard to maintain and forcing harsh realities upon the inhabitants.  It had taken a while before you’d learnt to fully trust him and come to accept that his methods were for the best.  But you knew that wouldn’t happen with Negan.  Too much had happened, too much blood had been spilled, and there was too much anger simmering below the surface.  The war was inevitable, you could see that now.  You only wondered how you hadn’t realised sooner.

Rick took your silence as acceptance and jumped back to business, issuing orders as you sat, shell-shocked, your mind reeling.  ‘I’m gonna need you going out more.  We’re running short on people with experience outside of the fences which makes you one of the best we have.  I need you out there every day, looking for supplies, weapons, anything we can use.’

‘Who else is going out?  We need to talk about where we’re heading.  No point in all scouting out the same places.’

‘I don’t know yet.  I need to sit down and figure it out.’  For the first time, you noticed how tired he looked as he contemplated the task ahead.  ‘I’m gonna need to keep someone back.  We’ve got the numbers here but they aren’t trained, they don’t know how to fight.  We’re gonna be running boot camps for anybody able-bodied.  We need all the soldiers we can get.’

‘Cannon fodder,’ you muttered darkly, smirking when Rick glared at you, your control over your emotions slipping.  ‘Come on, you know that’s what this is.  You just need bodies on the front lines.  You don’t give a damn whether half these people make it.  As long as your people do, right?’

‘That’s not true.’  He wasn’t going to rise to your taunting, regarding you coolly.  ‘I’m gonna be right there with them, fighting.  I’ve got as much chance as they do.’

‘Right.’  You shook your head, easing yourself up from the couch, trying to ignore the tremble of your fingers as an icy sense of despair washed over you.  ‘Look, I need some time to think about all of this.  I mean, it’s a lot, Rick, what you’re asking.  You must see that.’

‘I do.  And I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it was the only option, Y/N.’  

‘I know.’  You turned and headed for the door, pausing when he spoke again.  

‘Are you with me, Y/N?  Are you with us?’

You couldn’t look at him, could barely breathe as you forced your response from your lips, knowing you had no real choice, the words tasting like poison on your tongue.  ‘I am.’


	13. Chapter 13

You sat outside the house for a long time, drumming your fingers against the steering wheel as you tried to figure out how exactly to play this.  It was crazy how much had changed in the space of a week.  Last time, you’d been so desperate to see Negan that you’d opened the door before even shutting off the engine, flying down the garden path, eager to throw yourself in his arms.  Now, you were more hesitant, unsure, as though he’d be able to tell that something was bothering you as soon as he saw your face.

You’d been going out on runs every day since your talk with Rick, travelling further, hitting bigger targets.  Mostly you worked alone, though occasionally he’d team you up with Aaron or Tara, figuring there was safety in numbers.  Guns had proved difficult to come by, but, in all honesty, you hadn’t been looking too hard.  You’d decided that your only option was to try to postpone the war for as long as possible in the hope that something would happen, something to break the tension and steer the communities away from their destructive course.  You knew that was probably naïve, but you didn’t know what else to do.  You’d already decided that you couldn’t talk to Negan, not yet.  If he found out what was being planned, he’d do what any decent leader would do and attack first, using the element of surprise to deplete his enemy’s resources and end the conflict before it had even begun, and, whilst you felt little loyalty to Rick, many of the others had been living in the Safe Zone since the start, with you.  You knew them, had spent years bonding over lack of provisions and the isolation that came from being trapped behind the fences.  There were young and old and sick and disabled, and no matter how much you felt for him, how you feared what would happen when Rick made his move, you couldn’t risk their lives so casually.  

Which left you here, still sitting in the shady parking spot, staring at the living room windows as the curtain twitched.  He knew you were there.  He’d come for you if you didn’t move soon and that would be unspeakably awkward, so you forced yourself to move, pushing open the door and slipping to the sidewalk outside, letting it fall closed with a gentle click.

Here goes nothing…

 

* * *

 

As soon as Negan saw her, he knew that something had changed.  Her whole demeanour was different, her open face closed off, her smile a little too bright, too forced.  Initially, he found himself checking her for any sign of injury or scuffle but, finding none, he decided to act normal and see how the afternoon progressed.  As she approached the open doorway where he waited for her, he held his arms out and, though she didn’t fling herself into them as she had before, she still melted against him when he wrapped her up in his embrace, the tension in her body easing a little as he held her, chest rising as she breathed him in.

‘You doing alright, sweetheart?’  He knew the concern was evident in his voice but there was fuck all he could do about that and he had to know.

'I’m good.’  He felt her nod against him, though she refused to meet his eyes, instead preferring to remain huddled into his warmth.  Shit, it wasn’t like he was going to argue with that, so he followed his instincts, lifting her clear off the ground and carrying her inside, leaning against the door to close it before settling on the couch with her in his lap.  For a long time she stayed silent, her face buried in the crook of his neck, and he was about to start getting real fucking anxious when she finally sat up, letting him see that pretty face, and sighed softly.  'How are you?’

'Fucking peachy, doll,’ he reassured her.  'All the better for seeing you.’

'I missed you, Negan.’  So, it wasn’t an issue with them that was bothering her then, he deduced, as she leant forward to press her lips to his, her sugar sweetness tantalising even though his brain was in overdrive.  'It feels like the past week went on forever.’

'Well, we’ve got all afternoon to make up for that.’

She smiled then, the first real smile he’d seen cross her face since she arrived, and he moved to capture her mouth again, needing that hit of adrenaline that coursed through his veins as she submitted to him, letting him take control and deepen the kiss, tipping her back with one arm wrapped around her so he had full access to her lips and throat.  

'Goddamn, you’re a picture,’ he rasped as he broke away, leaving her breathless, her body boneless as he pulled her back into him.  'I fucking missed you, princess, more than you know.’

It was true.  Another week had passed and he was still like a fucking teenager, too caught up lusting over his girl instead of knuckling down and getting shit done.  He’d seen the frustration flash across Simon’s face more than once but, perhaps more surprisingly, Dwight was also now growing short of patience.  He knew he needed to snap out of it, but here he was again, besotted and hanging on her every word.

‘I wish it was easier than this.’  He could feel the weight of the burden she carried along with their secret and he growled at the knowledge that they would be doomed to repeat this conversation over and over until she had been worn down enough to give in and move in to the Sanctuary.  He wasn’t going to press her anymore though.  He didn’t want to be the big bad wolf in this relationship and, besides, he trusted that the voices in her own head were nagging her enough about her decision.

‘I know, doll, but it is what it is.  Whaddya say we get out of here, huh?   Let’s go for a walk.’  He cut short the pity party, not wanting to waste their short time together wallowing in the reality of their situation.  It was a glorious day and he wanted to go for a stroll with his girl in the sunshine and pretend that the world hadn’t gone to shit.

He’d hoped that the fresh air and rambling beauty of nature might perk Y/N up a little, but she remained uncharacteristically morose, only nodding at his observations and barely laughing when he began to share some of his more risque stories about goings-on back home.  It wasn’t until he swung Lucille up onto his shoulder and the weapon caught her eye that she began to engage with him more fully, though the direction of the conversation left him feeling on edge and uncomfortable.

‘Do you use that thing so you don’t waste bullets?’

‘What?’

‘Lucille.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s impressive, but surely guns are more efficient.  I was just wondering if you were struggling to find ammo.  Maybe that’s why you rely on her to do your dirty work for you.’

‘I rely on her because she’s a thirsty fucking vampire bat and it gets me high as hell to see her bashing in brains.  Got nothing to do with efficiency.  It’s just about the beauty of the kill.’

She nodded slowly and he could practically see the cogs turning in her head before she ventured, ‘So, does that mean you do have weapons then?  Like, a cache somewhere?  Or do you divide them up between your outposts?’

‘Outposts?  How the fuck do you-’

‘Sorry, I’m asking too many questions.’  She squeezed his hand, where her fingers were laced through his, swinging slightly as they walked.  ‘I guess, I’m just trying to figure out what the security’s like at your place.  Things to consider, y’know, if I was ever to live there.’

‘You don’t need to worry your pretty head about that,’ he reminded her, pausing to pull her round to face him and cupping her cheek in his hand.  ‘I told you, doll, I’ll keep you safe.  If you live in my house, you’re protected by my rules.  I won’t let anything happen to you.’

‘I know that.’  He sensed her softening, grateful when she changed the subject, though it was soon back on dicey ground.  ‘Guess you guys are pretty well supplied, huh?  I mean, you must have a lot of communities working for you.’

‘We have enough.’

‘Are they all like Alexandria?  I guess some must be further out or we’d probably know about them by now.’

‘Sweetheart, you seem awfully interested in how I conduct my business all of a sudden.  What is this?’

‘Nothing, I’m just-’

‘Don’t give me that.  You’ve been acting weird since you got here.  What’s happened, Y/N?  Does Rick know?  Is that what this is?’  A sinking feeling threatening to drag him under at the thought that everything they had might be compromised, but he fought against it, feeling his temper slip away from him instead.  

‘Negan-’

‘The truth!  Now!’

 

* * *

 

You should’ve seen it coming.  You’d known your line of questioning was risky, but you were trying to establish in your head just how deadly a war against the Saviors might be.  You were trying to work out whether the entire thing might be fought without their leader ever setting foot in harm’s way, but you were still clueless and now he was staring down at you with betrayal in his eyes.  

‘No, I’m sorry.  Rick doesn’t know.  Nobody does.  I was just trying to - I don’t know - understand a bit more about your life, that’s all.’

‘Bullshit.  You know more about my life than anyone.  You weren’t asking about me.  You were asking about my resources.  I wanna know why.’

‘Aren’t I allowed to ask questions, Negan?  You didn’t have to answer.  I was just making conversation.’

‘First damn time today you actually find your voice and it’s to drill down into exactly what the Sanctuary has going for it.’  He cleared his throat, tipping his head back and breathing deep as if steeling himself for the reaction to his next question.  ‘Are you spying for him?’

That pierced your heart like an arrow and you let out a disbelieving laugh.  ‘Are you serious?  How can you even ask me that?’

‘Sweetheart, I get you for exactly one afternoon a week, so I can’t exactly trust where your loyalty lies now, can I?’

‘You’re an idiot!’  You saw red at the casual way he accused you, acting as though you could possibly have any motivation for coming here other than the desire to be close to him.  ‘Is this because I wanna take things slow?  Because I won’t just drop everything, give up my life, my friends, to move in with you?’

‘No, it’s about you suddenly starting a very fucking intrusive game of twenty questions and not offering me a proper explanation!’

You turned away from him, running your fingers through your hair as you fought to keep control, but his hand was on your shoulder, spinning you back to face him and you couldn’t help but let rip.  ‘You want a proper explanation?  Really?  I’m trying to keep you alive, you fucking egotistical ass!  I have this burning desire for you not to die because, for some inexplicable reason, I actually care about you, okay?  I thought that you felt the same way, but if you could actually stand there and accuse me of spying on you, obviously I’ve got something seriously wrong!’

You went to move past him, set on heading home and leaving him to think through what it was he thought you were capable of, but his fingers snagged your wrist, holding you in place.  ‘Y/N-’

‘No!’  You jerked yourself out of his grasp, eyes flashing with anger now that you’d fallen over that precipice.  ‘This was a mistake.  It was all a fucking mistake!’

‘Don’t say that.’

But you were gone, storming away and leaving him standing there, alone, both of you torn up with feelings of confusion and grief for something that you hadn’t even been able to define yet.  


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to take a moment to say a collective thank you to everyone that's commented or left kudos on this story. For some reason, AO3 has decided to stop sending me notifications, so I've literally just clicked on here to find all the love and it feels a little belated to go back and reply to you all now. So, thank you thank you thank you! 
> 
> I'm so glad you're all enjoying the ride!

Well, that had escalated fucking quickly.  Negan sat on the front step of the little house that he’d picked out as their meeting spot with his head in his hands.  It had been a couple of hours since Y/N had flounced away and left him, but he couldn’t bring himself to take off just yet.  A small part of him was hoping that she’d come back, realise she’d made a mistake, that whatever they’d been fighting about wasn’t worth throwing away everything…  Shit, he wasn’t sure now what had even happened.  He’d been getting a weird vibe from her since she arrived.  Just the fact that she’d sat in her car for a damn age had set alarm bells ringing, and he’d paced back and forth in agitation as he waited for her to open the door.  So, maybe it was his fault.  Maybe he was on edge, waiting for something to go wrong, spoiling for a fight.  But, no, it’d been going fine until she’d started in with all the questions, wanting to know about supplies and ammunition and all sorts of shit that she had no business wanting to know about.  His patience had worn thin and he knew he’d snapped, but he just couldn’t figure out what she was trying to do.  He felt like he was being tested and he was damn terrified that he was gonna fail and not even know what the hell it was all for.

He’d known as soon as he’d accused her of spying for Rick that it had been a stupid thing to say.  Heck, he’d nearly bitten his own tongue off trying to stifle it when it was already halfway out and there was no turning back after that.  Her eyes had gone dark, her pretty smile morphing into a cruel sneer, scarier than anything else he’d ever laid eyes on.  And his sweet girl had screamed at him, berating him like a damn child.  If anyone else had spoken down to him like that they’d have felt the wrath of Lucille, but not her.  Even when she was treating him like shit, he still couldn’t bring himself to hurt her.  Goddamn, what had she done to him?

What he couldn’t figure out was what had changed.  Only a week ago she’d been wrapped around him, practically purring with pleasure as he kissed her and cradled her to his chest in the garden.  So, what the fuck had gone wrong between then and now?  What was it that had messed with her head so much that she seemed on the verge of tears the whole damn time, so close to falling apart that she’d become a screeching harpy in the space of a few seconds?  He racked his brain trying to figure it out, searching desperately for some small scrap of knowledge that might explain things a little better, and it wasn’t long before the moment of clarity hit him like a speeding truck.

Daryl.

With that, he was on his feet and marching towards his car.  He had some questions for Dwightyboy.

 

* * *

 

‘So, she never mentioned him?  Not once?’  Negan’s frustration was growing as the man in front of him remained clueless, shrugging his shoulders uselessly.  

‘I don’t know, not that I remember.’

‘Well, think fucking harder then!’

‘I was trying to be cool,’ Dwight argued.  ‘I was acting as your go-between, remember, delivering your little love letters.  We weren’t exactly having lengthy conversations.’

‘But you talked?’

‘Yeah, a couple of times.’

‘And how did she seem?’

‘I don’t know!’  Negan could see the Savior’s frustration growing, but that wasn’t going to cause him to soften.

‘Shit, D, you’ve been married.  Would’ve thought you’d be better at reading women!  No wonder Sherry decided to leave you.’

‘Sad,’ Dwight bit out.  ‘She seemed sad, a little conflicted, I guess.  I just figured it was because of what the two of you had going on.’

‘But you think it could have been about something else?’

‘I don’t know, boss.  I’m not a mind reader.  I was just trying to get in and out with no trouble, okay?’

‘And what about Daryl?  You spent more time with him than anyone else in here.  He ever mention her?’

‘No.’

‘You’re sure?’

‘Positive.  He didn’t say a thing.  Barely spoke most days.’

Negan sighed, running a hand through his hair, lost in his own turmoil for a moment.  Dwight was still watching him, unsure of what else to say, fearing for his own safety with his leader so worked up.  He didn’t know anything that could be of any use, that much was obvious, and Negan dismissed him with a flick of his hand.

‘Get out.’

As the blonde-haired, scar-faced man hurried away, Negan sank behind his desk, running his fingers along Lucille’s handle as he sought a little peace from the mess he’d gotten himself in to.  The idea of Y/N and Daryl hurt him more than he’d ever admit, but it was starting to make sense.  She’d succumbed to his advances to try and negotiate freedom for her partner, then, when he’d escaped himself, visited him one more time, starting a fight to extricate herself from the situation.  

The one thing that didn’t add up was her reaction to him.  If she was so in love with somebody else that she’d put herself at risk in the hope that she might be able to help, why did she throw herself into his arms the way she did?  Why did she cling to him as he kissed her, growing feverish and breathless as he worked her up into a frenzy?  Why did she tell him things, real things, about her past and her life?  She didn’t need to do any of that.  They could’ve taken things a whole lot slower and his affection for her would still have had him bending to her will if she’d asked nice enough.  She had to know that.

In the end, there was only one way to really know for sure who Y/N’s heart belonged to, Negan realised.  He had to go back the next week, show up as if nothing had happened and wait to see if she did the same.  If she did, maybe they could reconcile, work something out, find a way to get past the things they’d both said.  If she didn’t…  Well, if she didn’t he’d hunt the redneck archer down, whatever it took, and he’d grind his skull into the ground.

 

* * *

 

You were going crazy.  You couldn’t think, couldn’t sleep, could barely bring yourself to eat.  You knew you were a liability out on runs, so you tried to dial it back a little, opting to take the smaller locations, places nearby.  You felt like you were fading away and the only thing that could bring you back was the one thing that was causing your turmoil.  You cursed yourself for being so damn stupid, thinking you could question Negan without him immediately cottoning on to what you were trying to do, but you also cursed him for doubting you, for realising what you were doing and automatically jumping to the conclusion that you were betraying him.  How could he believe that, even for a second?  You were head over heels for the guy, even if your time together had been limited.  It didn’t matter.  It wasn’t about familiarity, it was chemical.  You felt at peace in his presence and yet, at the same time, completely alive, and not knowing when you might get that feeling again was twisting you up inside.

At night, when the darkness crept in and sleep was still a long way off, you had lengthy conversations with dead people in your head, arguing with Glenn, though you knew you had no leg to stand on.  He’d been a good man, you were sure of that, despite his somewhat questionable alliances.  He’d taught you to kill, to protect yourself, how to get in and out quickly on supply runs, and you were pretty sure he’d saved your ass several times in the relatively short time you’d known him.

 _‘Yeah, you’re right, I did,’_ he snapped in your head.  _‘And this is how you repay me, huh?  By hooking up with the guy that killed me.’_

I know, Glenn…  I’m sorry.

_‘Sorry?  My wife is pregnant, do you get that?  She’s having a baby.  My baby!  And I won’t be there to see her get all big and round and heavy.  And I won’t be there to hold her hand when she needs to be strong and push real hard.  And I won’t be there to hear my child take their first breath or scream their lungs out or to see them walk for the first time.’_

Don’t, please, don’t.  I can’t bear it.  I didn’t mean for any of this.  I didn’t mean to fall for him.

_‘But you did!  My child will grow up never knowing who I am and it’s his fault, Y/N, Negan’s!  How can you even look at him knowing what he’s done?’_

Because we’ve done the same, we have.  We’ve all killed to protect ourselves.  We’ve all done terrible things to stay alive…

_‘You think he did this to protect himself?  He did this to prove a point!’_

Because we killed his people.  The satellite station - that was a massacre, Glenn!  Their blood is on our hands-

_‘And my blood is on his.  Abraham’s blood.  Those hands that he touches you with, those hands that wrote those letters, they’re dripping with it.  Don’t you forget that, Y/N.  Don’t you ever forget…’_

Every morning you rose from your bed feeling more wretched, more exhausted, and you knew you couldn’t go on like this.  It couldn’t really be over, could it?  Torn apart just like that.  If the war went ahead as Rick had planned, he might even be cut down before you could fix things.  How were you supposed to go on if he died thinking you were mad at him?  You wouldn’t, couldn’t, let that happen.

After the fourth day of waking feeling like your world had come crashing down, you resolved that you would go to the meeting place this week as you had the weeks before.  If he showed, you would fix things, tell him everything, make sure he knew exactly how you felt.  You’d apologise, tell him you understood why he’d jumped to conclusions.  Who wouldn’t have done the same thing in his position?  He was the King and those underneath would always be seeking to topple him from his throne.  But he could trust you.  You needed him to know that.  You needed him to know that you’d fallen in love with him and that you’d never be the same again.

And, if he didn’t show…  Well, then nothing really mattered anyway.  You’d have nothing left to lose.


	15. Chapter 15

You were late.  It was over an hour past your usual scheduled meeting time and you’d only just rounded the corner into the street where the little house stood, tucked away in the corner, not half as ominous as it had begun to look when you pictured it in your head.  You’d been dreading coming back here, terrified that you’d be left to wait alone until the sun set, that Negan wouldn’t show and you’d have to face up to the fact that it was really over.  So, you’d driven slow, crawling along the little country back roads, your foot hovering over the gas pedal, too afraid to pick up the pace.  You’d felt on edge all morning, the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end, like you were being watched, being followed.  You shook it off and kept going.  You were being paranoid, you told yourself.  Nothing had changed in anybody else’s eyes.  They didn’t know that your heart had splintered and that this was possibly your only chance to repair the cracks.  To them, you were just heading out on another run, another sweep for weapons to tear down the empire of the man you loved.

As you pulled your truck in to the kerb, your heartbeat faltered at the telltale glint of light hitting glass that shone from the side of the house.  When you squinted, you could just make out the hood of a familiar estate car through the overhanging trees and the relief that flooded through you had you thumping your fists against the steering wheel, letting out an indistinguishable cry as your head fell forward to rest against the warm cracked leather.  You’d been steeling yourself to be strong when he didn’t show, to handle your disappointment.  You hadn’t even considered that he might be here, waiting, and you inhaled deeply, feeling the rush of oxygen loosen your limbs and relax your muscles, like you hadn’t breathed properly in days.  Negan.  He was waiting.

The living room curtain twitched, a sure sign that he was watching you, and you couldn’t move fast enough, throwing the door open and hitting the ground running, your fingers barely catching on the lip enough to slam it shut behind you in your eagerness to reach his arms.  Why had you parked so far down the road?  Why didn’t you just pull up into the drive?  Had the street always been this long?  Time slowed down as your feet pounded the sidewalk, but then he appeared in the doorway and suddenly you were flying, finding energy you didn’t know you had to propel yourself faster, harder.  

You were panting hard when you reached him, your skin slick with sweat, but neither one of you cared as you launched yourself at him, locking your arms around his neck so you could drag yourself up his body, your legs wrapping around his waist to hold you to him.  You could sense his surprise, but he overcame it quickly, large hands spreading over your back as he cradled you close, a breathy laugh escaping his lips as he turned and carried you inside.

You didn’t speak.  Didn’t know what to say or where to begin, so instead, when you pulled back to take in his expectant face, you kissed him.  For a moment you thought he might resist, far better at self-control than you could ever be in his presence, but then he groaned against your lips and the tension broke.  His fingers drifted upwards to tangle in your hair as he turned to pin you against the wall with his hips, deepening the kiss as he reminded you exactly why you needed him so badly.  He tasted like mint and just a hint of whiskey burn and you knew instinctively that he’d been drinking the night before, trying to calm his anxiety about what today would bring.  

He needn’t have worried as you clung to him, your entire body trembling with desire when you realised that this wasn’t enough.  You needed more, needed to feel him, how he felt about you, what he wanted from you.  You needed him to show you in the only way he could, and, as your fingers dropped to his shirt and began to tug at it, easing it up so you could pull it over his head, you separated for just long enough for you to see the understanding in his eyes.

‘You sure?’  They were the first words either of you had spoken and his voice sounded even rougher than normal, though that only drove you on.  

‘Please.’

His mouth crashed down on yours once more, but this time it was him in control and he devoured you hungrily as his long fingers worked the buttons on your shirt open.  By the time you were shrugging it from your shoulders, he was striding across the room and laying you back on the couch, dragged down on top of you when you refused to release him for even a second.  ‘I’m sorry, doll.  I’m so fucking sorry.’

‘Don’t.  Don’t talk.  Show me.’

 

* * *

 

It was a simple command as far as Negan was concerned and one that he was more than happy to obey.  He didn’t think he’d ever had a woman react to his touch as wantonly as Y/N did as she writhed beneath him, a beautiful, breathless mess.  She was half-undressed, but that wasn’t enough, and she whimpered at the loss of contact as he pulled away to tug her jeans down her thighs, her underwear disappearing soon after, before he stripped himself, unable to tear his gaze away from her look of wonder as she took him in, all of him.  

He was a cocky son of a bitch, he knew that, normally so confident about his looks and his body, proud of the shape that he’d managed to maintain despite his age and the ravages of the life he now led, but, standing before her, he felt like he was baring more than just his skin.  As her eyes travelled over him, he felt like she could see right through to his insides: his heart pounding in his chest, his stomach knotting as his confidence faltered, his brain sparking with electricity as the scent of her filled the room.  He wasn’t sure that he’d ever felt so exposed, but when she reached out her hand to him, her fingers beckoning as she pulled him back over her, he realised that he’d also never felt so accepted, so completely wanted as he did right then.

Every touch drew little sighs and gasps from her lips as he explored her, mapping every inch of skin as he sought to know her completely.  There was nothing fake about what it was that she was giving to him.  No exaggerated show of moans and screams as her face stayed a blank mask as so many of his wives’ did.  No, every noise he pulled from her was uncontrolled, unplanned, and her lips were slightly parted, her eyes closed as he stole another heated kiss.  He knew it wouldn’t be long before she fell to pieces beneath him.  He could feel it from the way she’d stilled, almost as if she was hovering on the cusp, barely breathing, living on pure sensation as he drove her closer and closer to the precipice.  As she tumbled over the edge, she sang him the sweetest damn tune he’d ever heard, and he couldn’t do anything but watch as she came undone, his sexy, sweet, gorgeous girl, shattered beneath him.  Goddamn, if that wasn’t him done for.

Everything shifted after that, become more hurried, more urgent as he melded their bodies into one.  He could hardly pinpoint where the waves of pleasure were originating from as he lost himself in the moment: the scratch of her nails over his back as she tried to pull him ever closer, the flicker of her tongue over his skin as she buried her face in the crook of his neck, or his own relentless rhythm as he crashed into her.  He knew it would be over all too soon, but he was running on pure animal instinct now, chasing the exact second that they would burst into a fiery explosion of heat together, and, when they did, it burned for what felt like an eternity.  Shit, he felt like it was his first time.  Like he’d only just realised what it was all about.  Even with Lucille…  No, he’d never had it as good as that before.  If that was what sex was all a-fucking-bout, then he was just as new to all this as a damn virgin.

 

* * *

 

‘I’m sorry I lost my temper.’  Your voice was quiet, maintaining the intimacy between you as you lay stretched out on the couch in a tangle of limbs.  Your hand traced lazy circles over Negan’s chest, the dark smattering of hair tickling your fingertips, and his fingers were grazing over your hip, neither one of you able to get enough of the other now that you knew how good it felt to be together.  Still, you needed to say your piece and he listened intently as you continued.  ‘You were right, I was pressing you on things that are none of my business, but not because I wanted to betray you, I promise.  A storm’s coming, Negan.  You must be able to feel it.  I just wanted to know that you have what you need to protect yourself when it hits.’

His confusion turned to understanding as he considered your words and he shook his head.  'So, that’s what this is all about.  Rick’s planning to take me down?  Shit, doll, why didn’t you just say something?’

'There are people I love behind those fences.  Can you guarantee me that whatever you do next won’t hurt them?  Put their lives at risk?’  He remained silent and you sighed.  'That’s why I couldn’t tell you.  I’m sorry.’

'So, what changed?  Why are you here telling me now?’

'I guess I realised that I love you more.’

You glanced up nervously, trying to read his reaction, but it was easier than you expected as a wide grin stretched across his face.  'Is that right?’  His lips brushed yours in a whisper of a kiss, causing your breath to catch in your throat.  'Well, that is music to my fucking ears.’

 

* * *

 

It was a long time before either of you spoke again after that and, when you did, your skin was once again sticky with exertion, your heart racing.  You were still riding the waves of your bliss when Negan made his own apology, so lost in what he was capable of doing to you that you almost didn’t remember what he even had to apologise for.

'I guess it’s my turn to say sorry now, right?  Shit, sweetheart, I should never have accused you of spying for Rick the prick.  I know you wouldn’t do that.  It’s this whole sneaking around thing.  It’s driving me fucking crazy, Y/N.’

'I know.’

'But you still won’t come to the Sanctuary?’

'No.’  When he huffed in frustration you laced your fingers through his where they lay on your stomach, seeking reassurance.  'But not because I’m not sure of you, of us.  I want to be with you, Negan.  I know this isn’t a mistake.  This isn’t a flat-out no anymore.  It’s a not yet.’

Negan’s eyes met yours and you detected an uncertainty there, something on his mind that he needed to share.  ‘Does this have anything to do with Daryl?’

‘What?’  You stared at him as if he’d gone mad, unsure where the hell that had even come from.  ‘Daryl?  No!  Negan-’

'Tell me why then.’

You sighed, realising he wasn’t going to clarify his last question, but decided to just let it go.  'After what I’ve just told you, me being there is the only thing that’s gonna stop you from burning Alexandria to the ground.  There are good people there, Negan.  I can’t let you do that.’

'You think you fucking know me that well, doll?’

'I do.  If you don’t do it now, you will the second Rick makes his move.  It’ll be all out war and we both know it.  If me staying for a little bit longer means you think twice before doing something stupid and killing civilians, people that have never had to fight a day in their life, then that’s what I’m gonna do.’

You knew he couldn’t deny what you were saying from the frown that creased his brow and the way his chest rose as he inhaled sharply, letting it out in a soft growl.  'Fuck.’

'You need to shut Rick down.  Soon.  Without hurting anyone else.  Then this will all be over and we can be together properly.’

'And you’ll move in to my house?’

'Yes.’

 

* * *

 

Your time together had been cut short due to your lateness and the darkness that was beginning to creep in.  Saying goodbye had been even harder than you remembered, but your skin hummed at the memory of his touch as you began the long drive home.  It had been perfect, every single second of it, and you were glad that you’d finally managed to reach an understanding with Negan.  You could still hear his gravelly tones as he whispered in your ear before kissing you one final time.  'I fucking need you, princess.  I’m gonna do whatever it takes to have you by my side.’

'End it,’ you’d pleaded and he’d nodded.

'I promise.’

As you rounded the corner by the old burnt out gas station that marked the halfway point of your route, you frowned at the sight of a shadowy figure aiming a kick at something on the ground.  Your hand immediately slipped to your knife as you drew nearer, intent on passing by but alert in case they should try something stupid, but there was something about their stance even in the gloom that was familiar.  Your heart sank but you had no choice but to stop.

As the vehicle rolled to a halt, you leaned over to push open the passenger side door, coming face to face with Carl who was still glowering at the pushbike beside him, its front wheel buckled and useless.

'What are you doing all the way out here, kid?’  You kept your tone light-hearted, but you already sensed the answer and, when that venomous glare was turned on you, you felt nausea rise in your throat.

'I saw you.  With him.  I followed you and I saw what you did.  You’ve been lying to me this whole time!  You’ve been lying to everybody!’


	16. Chapter 16

The silence in the car was suffocating.  Carl hadn’t spoken since you’d ordered him to get in, returning his glare with one of your own, and you could feel the tension simmering between you.  You had questions you needed answered, though you knew you wouldn’t be able to ask them once you stepped through Alexandria’s gates, and you weren’t entirely sure whether the kid would even tell you what you needed to hear anyway.  Still, you had to try and, a few miles out from home, you brought the truck to a halt. **  
**

‘Get out.’

Carl shot you a nervous glance, but did as instructed, throwing open the door so hard that the hinges creaked ominously and sliding to the ground with a dull thud.  You followed suit, rounding the vehicle to meet him at the side of the road, noting how his eyes followed your movements, full of distrust.  You’d earned it, you knew that, but it still hurt to see.  How you were going to convince him to keep this to himself now, you didn’t know, but you had to give it a shot.  If Rick found out, it was all over.  He’d throw your ass out in the cold and, without you there as a deterrent, Negan would destroy the community without a second thought.

‘What did you see?’  You hated the sound of your own voice, cold and harsh, but you were on edge, furious with him for having followed you and with yourself for being stupid enough to get caught, and it wasn’t something you could control.

‘You and Negan.’

‘What else?’

‘You went into that house with him.  You were… you were doing stuff.  I saw you through the window.  How can you let him touch you like that?  Don’t you know what he’s done?’

It was the same argument you had with Glenn in your head when you couldn’t sleep, and you bit back the same retort.  ‘We all have blood on our hands.’

‘But you’re supposed to be one of us.’

‘I’m not one of you.  I’m one of them, the Alexandrians.  We wouldn’t be dealing with any of this if you hadn’t come along and taken over!’

‘My dad, you mean?  He’s kept you safe, Y/N!  Without him, you’d all have died the first time a walker breached your fences!’

‘Maybe without him, the fences wouldn’t have been breached!’

Carl rolled his eyes, shaking his head at you in disbelief.  ‘I can’t believe how ungrateful you’re being.  I thought I was supposed to be the kid here.’

‘You are, which means there are things that you couldn’t possibly understand-’

‘Like you being just another one of Negan’s whores, is that it?  ‘Cause you’re right, I don’t understand!’

Your hand came up before you could stop it and the slap rang out, echoing along the narrow corridor between the trees.  Aghast, your mouth dropped open, as did Carl’s as he tentatively prodded his cheek, a vivid red mark already appearing.  ‘I’m not a whore.’

‘Could’ve fooled me.’

You took a deep breath, running your hand through your hair as you tried to figure out what to do next.  In the end, you decided to get straight to the point.  ‘Are you gonna tell your dad what you saw?’

‘I don’t think I have a choice.’

‘We always have a choice.’

‘Then yeah, I’m gonna tell him.  I want to tell him.  We can’t trust you anymore so you need to go.’

‘And what if I tell you that I can’t?  That there’s a good reason that I can’t?’  You were trying to reason with him, to get him to see the advantage of the head Savior’s affection for you, but you could tell it was falling on deaf ears. 

‘I’d think you were full of it.  I can’t believe a word you say!’

‘Carl!’  You huffed in frustration.  ‘You have to listen to me.  Negan knows about the war, he knows an attack is coming and, without me there, he will kill every single person in Alexandria.  Do you hear me?  I’m trying to protect you, all of you!’

The boy remained unfazed.  ‘And how does he know that exactly?  About the attack?  Because you told him?’

‘I-I… No.  That’s not the point!’

‘That’s exactly the point!’  He was raging at you now, looming over you, more like his father than you’d ever seen him before.  ‘God, do you know how many more people are going to die now because of that?  The whole point was that he wouldn’t expect it!  That was the only reason we might have had a shot!’

‘No, that’s not-’

‘He’s a killer, Y/N!  What part of that aren’t you getting?  And you’re just inviting him in with open legs!  He’s using you, don’t you get that?  And you’re falling for it and you’re gonna get us all killed!’

What happened next was a blur.  Your instincts had kicked in as Carl shouted in your face, your fingers slipping to your knife as your fight or flight reflex came into play and, two seconds later, the blade was held to his throat and he’d fallen silent, his eyes wide with shock.  ‘You need to stop talking.’

‘What are you-’

‘I said stop!’  The blade was shining against the pale skin of his throat and you increased the pressure when his mouth opened again, relieved when it clamped shut in response.  ‘You need to understand, kid.  There are people in Alexandria that I love and I will do anything to try and get them out of this alive.  People I’ve been with since the very beginning.  They’re family, you get that?  Now, I love Negan and when this is all over, I’ll leave, I promise.  I’ll walk right out the gates and you’ll never have to see me again, but, for the moment, I need to be here.  For my family.’

‘So, what?’  He swallowed hard, testing your resolve, but you let him speak this time.  ‘When the war’s over you’ll go and live at the Sanctuary with him?  You know that means you’re assuming he’s gonna win.  What happens to my dad in that picture, huh?  If the Saviors are still whole, that means my dad dies.  So, don’t talk to me about family.’

‘I was talking about my family.  That doesn’t include Rick.  I’m sorry, but it doesn’t.  All he has done is bring pain and bloodshed and death.  It’s like a curse, it just follows him wherever he goes.’

‘I’m still gonna tell him, y’know.  He’ll stop you.  He’ll kill you if he has to-’

‘No, you won’t.’  A moment of startling clarity told you exactly what you needed to say next and you narrowed your eyes, cocking your head to one side as the boy fidgeted uncomfortably.  The tip of the blade was pressing in to his skin and a small droplet of red trickled down his throat.  ‘Seriously, kid, what’s to stop me from just killing you right here, right now?  I bet nobody even knows where you went, do they?’  His narrowed eyes confirmed your suspicions.  ‘How long before they even notice you’re missing?’

‘Don’t.’

‘Why?  If I’m the devil you seem to think I am, why wouldn’t I do that?  Or, hey, I could always drop by the Hilltop, pay our friend Enid a little visit.  I miss her.’

‘Stay away from her!’

‘Not like I’ll have anything else to do if Rick cuts me loose, right?  Yeah, I think that’s the way to go.  Did you say goodbye to her, the last time you saw her?  I hope so.  Nothing like not knowing when you’re gonna see each other again-’

‘No!’  He launched himself at you, sending the knife clattering to the ground, throwing you off balance as he wrapped his arms around you from behind.  You drove your elbow back into his ribs, fighting to free yourself, before spinning with your fist raised, the blow to his face sending him to the floor.  He scrabbled at your shoulders as you dropped to your knees, straddling him, your fingers wrapping around the tender line of his neck where the blade had marked him.

‘Stop, Carl.  You need to stop.’  You weren’t going to kill him, you really weren’t.  You were barely cutting off enough oxygen to make his vision fuzzy and yet he struggled beneath you like you were a monster.  ‘Kid!  Cut it out!’

When he finally stilled, you loosened your grip, though you kept a little pressure on, just to remind him not to start anything else.  He may have his size to his advantage, but you were strong and quick, and you’d been taught by Glenn how to land a devastating blow.

‘Look, it’s getting late and I’m tired.  So, can we go home now or not?  Seriously, it’s on you.  I don’t want to fight you, Carl.’

His nod was so slight that you might not have seen it had you not had your hands around his throat, but you accepted it as a submission and climbed to your feet.  ‘I won’t say anything.’

‘Good.’  Now that the flood of adrenaline that had filled your veins was ebbing away, you felt mortified at how far you’d just let things go.  God, what was wrong with you?  Had you just threatened a kid’s life?  Twice?  Not to mention what you’d implied you’d do to Enid.  What the hell were you even thinking?  Was any of it worth this?  ‘Thank you.  I really am sorry, kid.  I didn’t mean for any of this to-’

‘Save it.’  He cut you off, bending to retrieve his hat which had flown off in the scuffle.  ‘We’re not friends, Y/N.  I’ll keep your secret, but we’re not okay.  You need to watch your back.’

You watched as he climbed back into the passenger seat, waiting while you crossed behind the truck and took your place behind the wheel, that horrible silence creeping back in.  You could see the skin around his eye, puffy and darkening, and the nick in his throat from your knife.  It was still laying on the road out there somewhere, but you didn’t have the heart to go and look for it.  In all honesty, you were too afraid of what you might do should you have it in your hands once again.

Maybe being with Negan, lying to your people, leading a double life, meant having to become cold and hard, relying on violence to sort out your problems.  Maybe you really were the monster that Carl believed you to be.  One thing was for sure.  You loved Negan, needed him like you needed to breathe, even more so after the afternoon you’d just spent together, and you loved your family just as much.  But right then, in that moment, you hated yourself.


	17. Chapter 17

Negan was used to waiting.  He felt like it was all he’d done since Y/N came into his life.  Waiting for responses to his letters, waiting to see if she’d let him back in once their communication had been discovered, waiting for her to arrive at the little house each week.  Not that she was ever really late - only the last time when she’d been scared as all hell about facing him after their fight - but he was always so eager to see her that he’d leave the Sanctuary at first light, driving like a bat out of hell only to find that he had hours to wait before she was due.  He wasn’t a patient man, so it didn’t suit him to find himself pacing agitatedly from room to room, circling the ground floor as he strained to hear the sound of her truck approaching.  It was always worth it though, his antsiness and frustration slipping away as soon as he saw her smile.  She was his, he was certain of that now.  His for keeps.  For life, or whatever sorry existence they had left in this messed up world.  The last time had confirmed it, he hoped, for both of them.  They had something special.

He could still feel her in his arms as though she were there right now, the warmth of her against his skin, the scrape of her nails across his back and the taste of her on his lips.  He’d replayed that afternoon so many times in his head over the past week and each time he had to excuse himself so as not to let his lieutenants catch on to the dreamy look in his eye and the tension that threaded through his muscles as he fought off his waves of longing.  If he’d thought she’d been distracting before, that was nothing compared to now he knew what it felt like to claim her completely, and he was a damn hot mess.  Time had dragged as he waited for their next meeting date to roll around, his Saviors growing increasingly edgy as they sensed his detachment, and now he was here and she wasn’t and he couldn’t bear it.  Giving up on his pacing, he sank down on the couch with a loud sigh.  Soon.  She’d be here soon.  He was sure of it.

 

* * *

 

You were being watched.  You could sense it at all times, his eyes on you, narrowed and resentful, a reminder of your betrayal.  The only respite you got was when you shut yourself away in your room, closing the curtains and burying yourself beneath the covers on your bed, trying to keep your breathing even, trying to fight the panic that was rising in your chest.  Carl was watching your every move, the marks that you’d left on him still stark against his pale skin, and you hated yourself.

Had you really threatened to kill him?  To kill his girlfriend?  Had those words really come out of your mouth?  Had that knife to his throat really been clutched in your fist?  It all felt fuzzy in your head now, like a dream that you couldn’t quite bring in to focus.  You’d just been so angry and so terribly afraid.  It was the slap that had done it.  That had been instinctive, an uncontrollable reaction to the way his words had pierced your heart, but it had crossed a line.  Made it okay to lash out, to use violence to control the situation.  Like Rick.  Like Negan.  That was how it worked these days, wasn’t it?  The person willing to push themselves to the extremes, to collect kills and cause pain, would be the one that ended up in charge.  But this was Carl.  He was just a kid, aged beyond his years by the horrific things he’d seen and done, sure, but just a kid all the same.  The thought of what had happened out there on the road sickened you.

Of course, Rick had noticed the cuts and bruises that marred his son’s face and neck when you’d arrived back with him in tow and you’d rattled off a story about finding the younger Grimes surrounded by walkers and having to fight your way out of there to get him home.  You’d avoided Carl’s gaze as you’d spoken, turning only to give him a short, sharp nod before you scurried away.  You’d half-expected him to tell his father the truth as soon as you were out of earshot, thought you’d be summoned to the church to face your reckoning before daybreak, but it hadn’t happened yet.  So, the boy was staying quiet, for his safety and for Enid’s.  For now.  But it didn’t change the bleak reality of your situation, because he was still watching.

You hadn’t stepped foot outside the gates since you’d returned that night.  You’d pleaded illness when Rick had come to enquire why you weren’t going out in search of supplies as he’d instructed.  But it wasn’t that at all.  You weren’t sick.  You were trapped.  If you so much as made one move towards the fences with Carl’s stare trained on your back, he’d think you were going to Negan and he’d have his father and his people tailing you in a second.  You couldn’t risk that, leading them to him when he was open and vulnerable, not expecting an attack.  They’d kill him and, if you knew them at all, you knew they’d make you watch as they did it.  That couldn’t happen.  

And so, as the day of your weekly meeting rolled around, you made no preparations, no move to leave.  You hauled your ass out of bed, dressed in yesterday’s dirty clothes, and slouched out of the house to find a meaningless task to lose yourself in, to take your mind off of the thought of Negan waiting for you, growing impatient as the afternoon wore on and you didn’t show.  It was even more heartbreaking after what had happened between you the last time.  You’d felt like that act had cemented your relationship and now here you were, letting him down, letting him wait for hours on end with no clue as to why you weren’t there with him.  A solitary tear rolled down your cheek and you hastily scrubbed it away with the back of your hand as Carl rose from his seat on the porch steps of the house opposite, his expression wary as he moved closer, ready to follow you wherever you might go.  You wouldn’t let him see you cry.

A shout and the rattle of the gates dragged your focus away from your own self-pity, and you registered the sound of trucks idling on the road outside.  Was today collection day?  You supposed it might be.  You hadn’t seen much of Dwight since you’d started meeting Negan and no longer needed him as your go-between, so it made sense that he’d been coming when you wouldn’t be around, acting as a distraction to ensure that nobody was out looking for the boss when he was enjoying a little downtime.  A surge of hope filled you as you started towards the noise.  Perhaps then, you wouldn’t be leaving Negan with no explanation after all.  At least that was better than nothing.

The kid’s eyes were still on you, as you lifted and carried, shifting boxes between the trucks to ensure they were stacked securely, stumbling slightly as you jumped back to the ground.  You were biding your time, waiting for the opportunity to mutter in the scarred, blonde-haired lieutenant’s ear without being scrutinised, so, when Rick called his son away to fetch the final offerings from the storeroom, you took your chance and sidled up to Dwight as he ticked items off of an inventory list.  

‘Didn’t expect to see you here,’ he murmured, and you sighed, knowing he would have already been questioning your presence, though he’d hidden it well.  ‘Shouldn’t you be out in the sticks somewhere enjoying a little… Well, whatever it is you two do out there.’

‘I need you to pass a message to Negan for me.’  Your voice was a hoarse whisper, but you could tell that he heard you from the way he flinched at your words.  ‘I need you to tell him that Carl knows everything, that I’m being watched.  I can’t leave.  I can’t meet him, not until all of this dies down.  Can you tell him that, please?’

His nod was almost imperceptible, but you caught it, just in time as the Grimes men reappeared, carrying a final box of tinned goods between them.  It didn’t solve anything, not really, and you still yearned for Negan with an intensity that took your breath away, but at least now he’d understand.  At least now he wouldn’t think that you’d turned your back on him.

 

* * *

 

She hadn’t showed.  Negan was torn between feeling angry and foolish, having waited out the daylight hours in the hope that she’d have just gotten held up somewhere and was still on her way to him, and being so sick with worry that he could feel the lump in his throat, obstructing his airway and making it hard to breathe.  They’d left things on good terms last time and he was sure there was nothing that she could find out about him that would drive her away at this point.  She knew about his wives, what he’d done to the Asian kid and Big Red, and she’d seen him kill Spencer right in front of her.  She knew what he was and what he was capable of and she hadn’t run scared yet.  So, that meant there was another reason for her absence.

She’d told him a war was looming.  Perhaps it was already here.  Perhaps it had started whilst he was sitting, oblivious, in his little haven in the countryside.  His home might be burning to the ground for all he knew, his men dying, going down fighting as they tried to defend what they’d worked so hard to build.  But when the Sanctuary came into view, it was just as he’d left it, standing tall and strong, a monstrosity that was for sure, but a secure one.  He was greeted at the gates by his guards on duty, who reported that nothing untoward had gone down since he left, and so…  What the hell had happened?

The kid, maybe.  She’d said that Carl had found out that it was her that had been writing to him, but she’d convinced him it was over.  Maybe he’d become unconvinced somehow, gone scampering off to Rick the Prick and his girl was now paying the price for her…  What?  Her mistake?  He couldn’t look on it as that, though the thought of her getting hurt because of it made his blood boil.  If that asshole laid one finger on her…  

His bloodlust was interrupted by a knock at his door, followed by another when he didn’t offer any sort of response.  He didn’t want to deal with any of his people’s shit right now.  He had other things on his mind.  When the door handle turned and Dwight appeared despite not being summoned, his anger only increased, and a bellow escaped him that took both him and the lanky scar-faced son of a bitch aback.

‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing?’

‘Sorry boss.  I knew you were in here and I needed to-’

‘To what?  To fucking interrupt me?  You do not enter this office unless I tell you to, is that fucking clear?’

Dwight had the decency to look slightly shamefaced, though, to Negan’s annoyance, he wasn’t turning to leave, instead moving closer with a look of determination on the half of his face that was still capable of expressions.  ‘Yes, sir.  I just thought you’d wanna know that I saw Y/N today.’

All of the fight went out of Negan and he sprung to his feet, rounding his desk to loom over his lieutenant.  ‘And?’

‘And she gave me a message for you.  I don’t think you’re gonna like it.’


	18. Chapter 18

He knew it was a dumb thing to do.  If he was being honest with himself, Negan knew the risk was huge.  And yet, there he was, hanging on for dear life as he navigated his way up the sheer fence, feet struggling to find purchase on the narrow beam that supported the structure.  If he was caught now, he’d be shot on sight, no questions asked, he was sure of that much.  He had no back-up, no men hiding in the bushes to ensure that he had an escape route if he needed it.  He came alone, intending to slip in and out under the cover of darkness, undetected, but, as he edged himself up another inch, his fingers finally finding the lip at the top of the sheet metal, he thought that maybe that had been a mistake.  He had no clue what awaited him on the other side.  Alexandria was a community preparing for war after all.  They could have patrols walking the perimeter around the clock.  Yeah, he could probably take down a couple of men single-handed, but it wouldn’t exactly be the stealthy entrance he’d hoped for.  Taking a deep breath, he paused to collect himself, and then hauled his body up and over the top of the fence, dropping to the ground the other side with a muffled thud, the impact jarring his bones.  

No time to allow his racing heart to slow, he span around, fingers reaching for the knife tucked through his belt, ready to defend himself should a threat approach, but all was quiet.  He’d chosen to enter at the back of the Safe Zone, knowing that there were sure to be guards on duty at the front, and it had paid off.  The area was deserted.  

Still, he kept to the shadows as much as possible, sloping around the fence line, until he reached the end of the main street where he knew Y/N lived.  He’d seen her retreat into one of the buildings shortly after he’d killed Spencer, so he knew which house was hers, and she’d told him in one of their rambling conversations that her room was at the back - the box room, she’d called it - so he figured he had a pretty good chance at waking her without disturbing the rest of the damn neighbourhood, but only time would tell.  Of course, he also knew which house was Rick’s and a small part of him considered letting himself in, creeping up to the kid’s room and slitting his throat while he slept.  But he knew Y/N wouldn’t forgive him for that and her pull was far stronger than his need for vengeance. 

Locating the room that he thought might be hers, he reached into his pocket to retrieve the small stones that he’d thought to pick up from the rough track that led out of the Sanctuary.  He rolled one between his fingers for a second before taking aim and sending it flying towards her window.  It hit the pane with a sharp tap, as did the one he threw next, and the one after that.  Damn, maybe his girl was a heavy sleeper.  He sure as hell wouldn’t know if she was.  

But then he saw movement through the gloom and she appeared, running her fingers through sleep-mussed hair and peering blearily out into the night.  He stepped into her line of sight, raising a hand in greeting, noting the frown that furrowed her brow when she registered his presence.  And then she disappeared.  

A few minutes later, the back door swung open, and there she was, dressed in pajama shorts and a tank top, wrapping a long cardigan around her shoulders to fend off the chill.  Her expression was equal parts adoring and confused as she stepped into his waiting arms, burying her face in the crook of his neck and inhaling deeply.  He could still feel the warmth that she had brought from her bed, the creases on her cheek from the rumpled fabric of her pillow.  In that moment, the risk that he had taken to be standing there in front of her was worth it.

‘What are you doing here?’ she spoke at last.  ‘How did you even get in, Negan?’

‘I-’  

She didn’t give him a chance to respond, her mind whirling as she considered the ramifications of his visit.  ‘You shouldn’t be here.  You can’t.  It’s too dangerous.  If someone sees you… If Rick finds you…  God, Negan, you have to leave.  You have to go now.’

‘Alright, slow down.’  He took charge, drawing her away from the house and back into the shadows, leading her towards the fence line where he could slip away quickly if needed.  ‘I had to fucking see you, doll.  Dwight told me about the kid.  I needed to make sure you were okay.’  He folded his long body onto the ground, leaning back against the cool corrugated metal, glad of his leather jacket.  Her fingers were linked through his and he tugged on them gently, pulling her into his lap so he could cradle her against his chest, the solidity of her form grounding him and silencing the fears that had been simmering deep in his gut.

‘How did you get in here though?  I mean, aren’t there guards on the gate?’

‘Probably are.  I came in the back.’

‘But- How?’  Her eyes were wide as she gazed at him, her bottom lip caught between her teeth and he couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward to capture her mouth, smirking when she gasped into the kiss.  

‘I climbed the fucking fence, okay?  Wasn’t easy either.’

She grinned at the image of the suave, slender man slithering down the sheet of metal and he felt her relax a little.  ‘I can’t believe you’re here.’

‘I was worried when you didn’t show, sweetheart.’

‘I know.  I’m so sorry, Negan.  I wanted to come but I didn’t know how to get away.  I haven’t been going on runs or anything this past week.  Carl, he’s just- he’s watching me all the time.  I don’t know what to do.’

‘He hasn’t said anything to Rick?’  She shook her head, her face falling as she avoided his gaze, and he slipped a finger beneath her chin, forcing her eyes back to his.  ‘What is it?’

‘I threatened him,’ she admitted, tears shining in her eyes.  ‘I hit him and I held a knife to his throat.  I told him I’d kill him or Enid if he told anyone about us.  I don’t know what happened.  God, I actually hurt him.  He’s just a kid-’

‘A kid that could have fucking ruined everything by running his mouth off,’ he tried to reassure her.  ‘You did what you had to do, doll.’

‘No.’  The anguish in her voice caused him physical pain and he held her tighter, wishing he knew what to say.  ‘No, I didn’t.  I crossed a line.  I don’t even know who I am anymore, Negan.  I don’t do things like that!  I just…  I couldn’t risk losing you.  I love you.’

‘And sometimes we have to cross those fucking lines to protect what we love.  You get that, right?  You can’t go busting your own balls over this, princess.’  When she didn’t respond, he changed the subject, trying to find a solution to the mess that they now found themselves in.  ‘You know you’re not safe here anymore, don’t you?  Doesn’t matter if he’s gone running to his daddy yet or not.  He will.  It’s only a matter of time.’

‘I know.’

‘You’ve got to let me get you out of here.’

‘Tonight?’

‘Works for me.  If I managed to get in here undetected, I can sure as hell get you out.’

He could see her considering it, the cogs whirring in her brain, but her eyes were sweeping over the houses that made up the little community, and then she was shaking her head again, and he growled under his breath.  ‘No, Negan, I can’t.’

‘Why the hell not?’

‘I told you!  If you take me out of here tonight, how long before your men have torn this place apart, huh?  How many survivors are there gonna be come morning?’

He couldn’t answer her, knowing she was right.  Sure, people were a fucking resource and he wasn’t one to kill for the sake of it, but he was angry now.  Mad at how difficult this had all become and determined to destroy everything that damn kid was holding over their heads.  

‘Exactly.  I’m not leaving until you promise me that nobody else will come to harm.  Can you do that?’

‘These people are fucking-’

‘They’re my friends, Negan!  My family!  They’re not like Rick.  They’re not strong.  They’re not killers!’

‘It doesn’t matter.  If Rick’s about to start a war, you know I’ve gotta shut that shit down.  Civilians are collateral damage.’  He knew he sounded cold, callous, but it was the truth as it saw it.  He wasn’t going to lie to her.

‘You know there’s another way.’  He could see the hope in her eyes as she twisted so she could rest her hands on his shoulders, beseeching, pleading with him now.  ‘You could just let Alexandria go free.  If you back off, if you leave us alone, people would forget.  We could be together.  Nobody would care anymore.’

‘Are you fucking serious?’

‘Would that really be so bad?’

‘Hell yeah, it would.  I haven’t spent this long building up this little fucking pecking order we’ve got here just to let it all go.  I give Rick a free pass and then what?  The Hilltop will expect the same and the fucking King Freak.  It’ll start a chain reaction that I won’t be able to fucking control, Y/N, and then it’ll all be over.  I can’t let that happen.’

And there it was.  Stalemate.  Nowhere else to go.  She wouldn’t leave her people to his harsh brutality and he couldn’t relieve them of their obligations.  Meanwhile, the kid was sitting there with the secret that could prove to be both of their undoing.  He felt vulnerable, on the backfoot, and he fucking hated that.  He liked to be top dog, in charge, able to see exactly what was fucking happening beneath him at all times.  Well, that was a pleasure he sure didn’t have the luxury of anymore.  

‘So, where do we go from here?’  Y/N’s whisper was so thick with emotion that it  broke his heart and he brought his hands up to cup her face, kissing her long and hard as though he could kiss away her tears.  

‘We’ll be okay, doll.  We always knew this wouldn’t be easy.’

‘I know, but it was bad enough before.  Now that I can’t see you…  What’s even the point, Negan?’

‘The point is this, princess.’  He rested his hand over her heart, felt how it sped up beneath his touch, pounding away beneath the skin.  ‘I can feel what I do to you.  You do the same to me.  What we’ve got here, it’s fucking once-in-a-lifetime shit.  I’m not gonna let some fucking kid and his prick dad ruin it, you understand that?’

‘I do.’

‘Good.’  He cast a wary eye towards the sky which was beginning to lighten to a dark, stormy grey.  ‘Look, I gotta get out of here, alright?  But you know where I am if you need me.  Dwight’s gonna be around, business as usual.  He can get a message to me if you need anything.’

‘Okay.’

‘Just promise me, doll, that you will be fucking careful.  Watch your back.  Don’t trust anyone except me and D.’

‘I won’t.’

‘Good.’  He squeezed her tight, before gently lifting her up, encouraging her back to her feet so he could lever himself upright.  She looked bereft at the thought of him leaving, but he had no choice and he knew she knew that.  ‘This isn’t the end, sweetheart, I promise.  We’re gonna get through this shit.’

She clung to him then, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling his mouth down to hers, kissing him as though she could only breathe when their lips were pressed together.  God, he wanted to pick her up, pin her against the fence and lose himself in her, but he knew it wasn’t the time or the place.  He needed to get gone, for his safety and for hers.  He couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye though so, when she finally broke away, he simply turned his back and began the climb back to the other side.  When he reached the top, she was gone.


	19. Chapter 19

The rumble of the winnebago as it pulled through the front gates stirred you from your stupor where you sat on your porch steps, letting the evening breeze calm you and blow away the anxiety that filled every crevice of your being.  It had been two weeks since Negan had crept in to see you and you’d heard nothing from him in that time.  You knew Rick had yet to make his move, but you’d been forced to distance yourself from the inner circle, pushed out by Carl’s snide remarks and constant glower of resentment.  It wouldn’t be long before somebody picked up on the tension that hovered in the air between the two of you, so you’d retreated and now spent your days doing mindless inventory or checking over the perimeter.  It was dull and monotonous, but for now it was keeping you safe.

You pushed yourself upright and watched as Rick’s group filed out of the vehicle, wondering what exactly had required so many of them to venture outside of the walls together, but your focus was drawn to the present as Rosita exchanged a short sentence with the sheriff before spinning on her heel and leading them away.  There was a purpose to their movements that told you that something was going on, something big, and a knot formed in your stomach as your mind immediately leapt to the worst.  Was it Negan?  Had something happened?  You hurried to follow them, nodding to Michonne when she shot you a tight smile of acknowledgement as you fell into step beside her.  

‘What’s going on?’ you asked, keeping your voice low so as not to draw attention as you neared the house where Morgan stayed.  ‘Looks pretty serious.’

‘Apparently we have a visitor,’ was all she said in response, though you didn’t miss Carl’s smirk as he stepped back to let you move ahead of him through the narrow doorway, preferring to have you in his sight.  

As you descended the stairs into the dingy basement, you could just make out a shadowy figure hunched over on a small wooden chair that stood in the centre of the room.  You couldn’t make out much more about them in the gloom, until Rosita cleared her throat and they glanced up, realising that their moment had come.

The man eased himself up from the chair, the fading light creeping in through the barred window to his left falling over his face and highlighting the familiar features.  The grizzly scar that marred his cheek, the dirty blonde scruff that bordered his mouth and the uncertain look in his eyes as he took in the group before him.  Dwight.

Panic seized a hold of your heart as you processed this turn of events.  Dwight was here, in a cell, in Alexandria.  He wasn’t fighting, he wasn’t armed…  He looked hopeful, afraid, like he was going out on a limb with no idea of what was going to happen next.  You had no idea at this point what that might mean for you, but you were sure as hell it couldn’t be good.

The tension was broken as Daryl lunged forward with a menacing growl, his arms outstretched, hands itching to wrap themselves around his jailer’s throat.  Only Rick throwing himself into the archer’s path, restraining him with every ounce of strength he had in his body, halted him, and it wasn’t until the struggle stopped that Rosita finally spoke.  ‘He wants to help us.’

Incredulous looks were exchanged amongst the group.  

‘That true?’  Rick’s tone was challenging as he turned towards the Savior, who was still poised, ready to defend himself.  ‘You wanna help?’

‘I do,’ Dwight insisted.

‘Okay.’  The sheriff was nodding, though his hand was slipping towards the gun holstered at his waist and he raised it slowly until it was level with the captive’s eyes.  ‘Get on your knees.’

You’d expected some sort of argument, a refusal, anything but the passive way that Dwight dropped to the ground, his gaze drifting over to focus on Daryl who was still glaring at him, breathing hard, barely holding himself back from pummelling the man who had tortured him so eagerly.  

‘Look at me,’ Rick growled, noticing the direction of Dwight’s attention.  ‘Why?’

‘’Cause I want him stopped,’ he rasped.  The sincerity in his voice was undeniable and his next words brought a gasp from your throat.  ‘I want Negan dead.’

‘So, why don’t you kill him?’

‘It can’t just be me.  They’re all Negan.’

Now it was Tara’s turn to interject and you realised that you hadn’t even fully comprehended the hatred that she must feel for this man.  He’d killed her girlfriend, put a crossbow bolt through her skull without a trace of remorse, and now he was here looking for allies.  ‘That girl you murdered, she had a name.  Her name was Denise and she was a doctor and she helped people.’

‘I wasn’t aiming for her.’  It was the worst thing he could have said, prompting Daryl to lurch towards him once more, his knife clutched in his fist as he propelled Dwight backwards towards the wall, pinning him there with the point of the blade hovering over his face.  

‘Do it,’ Tara encouraged, caught up in her own pain and grief, and you almost wished that he would.  How could he do this to Negan?  How could he betray him like this?  You’d trusted him.  ‘Do it!’

‘You wanna end it this way, you go ahead.  I’m sorry, I am.  I know you want to.’  Dwight could barely force the words out with the archer’s fingers wrapped around his throat, but he didn’t look scared.  He looked resigned, as though he’d expected this, as though he welcomed death, and you wondered what had happened, what had changed to make him head down this path.  

‘He could just be here to see if you were here,’ Rick pointed out.  

‘We can’t trust him,’ Michonne agreed.

‘He owned me,’ Dwight sought to explain.  ‘But not anymore.  What I did, I was doing for someone else.  She just got away, so, now I’m here.’  He eyes flicked back to Daryl.  ‘So are you, because of her.’

‘Do it!’  Tara’s shouts were becoming more desperate.

‘There’s another choice,’ Dwight persisted.  

‘Daryl.  Daryl, you knew her!’

‘Negan trusts me.’  The Savior’s voice was breathless, his cool slipping when Daryl’s grip on him tightened painfully.  ‘We can work together.  We can stop him.  You knew me then and you know me now.  You know I’m not lying.’

‘Do it!  Do it!’

But Daryl ignored Tara’s cries, letting the knife fall to his side, though he kept the leaner man pressed to the wall.

‘They have Sasha.’  Rosita’s voice was thick with emotion as she spoke over the pants of anger and fear that echoed around the room.  ‘If she’s even alive.’

‘Why didn’t you say something?  He could be our only chance to get her back.’  Jesus was perhaps the calmest person in the room, the one still capable of reason.  You didn’t know him well, but you felt the peace radiating from him.

‘Because I don’t trust him.  But I trust Daryl.’

‘Negan’s coming soon,’ Dwight advised, all business now that his life wasn’t being threatened.  ‘Tomorrow.  Three trucks, probably twenty Saviors, and him.  I can slow them down, bring some trees down in the road, buy a little time for you guys to get ready.  If you can take them out, that’s where we start.  You kill them, I’ll radio back to the Sanctuary.’

A sickening feeling twisted in your gut and your hand grasped at the wall to keep yourself upright.  No, no, no, this conversation could not be happening.  It was supposed to take longer than this to form a plan, build up the Safe Zone’s arsenal.  You knew there was stuff going on that you weren’t party to these days, but surely they couldn’t be ready, could they?  No, you were supposed to have more time.

Staring around you, you could see that the group were still unsure, their stances tense, their brows furrowed in frowns of concern as they tried to figure out whether this man could really be trusted.  He’d need to come through with some quality intel if he wanted to get them on board and, as his narrowed eyes fell on you, you realised that that was exactly what he intended to do.  You shook your head, the movement almost imperceptible, but you knew it had registered when he swallowed hard, the regret visible on his face.  Son of a bitch…  You didn’t wait to hear him sell you out.  You turned on your heel and ran.

 

* * *

 

You were shoving your belongings into your backpack when you heard the pounding on the door.  Your breath hitched in your throat as you hurried to finish shoving the things that you’d need into the bag, but then came the crash of it being thrown back against the wall, squealing on its hinges.  Footsteps thudded up the stairs towards you and you backed towards the corner, cowering away from the intruders, as Rick appeared in your doorway, flanked on either side by Daryl and Michonne.

‘Is it true?’

‘I-I don’t-’

He crossed the room in two strides, long fingers curling around your neck as he slammed you back against the wall, knocking the air from your lungs as he glared down at you.  ‘You and Negan.  Is it true?’

‘Did Dwight say that?’  Somehow you managed to speak, though there was a lump in your throat that felt like it was choking you.  ‘You can’t trust him, Rick, he’s-’

‘Not just Dwight.’  He was snarling at you, eyes flashing with rage.  ‘Carl, too.  Said he’s known this whole time.’

‘I-’

‘Said you’d threatened him, threatened Enid, if he didn’t keep quiet about it.  Is that right, Y/N?  Did you do that?’

‘No, no, I would never hurt them, I just-’

‘Just wanted to save your own ass?’

‘No, no, God, let me finish!  I-’

‘C’mon then, explain it to me!  Make me understand!’

He released you all of a sudden and you fell to the floor, crumpling onto the carpet, your whole body trembling with fear.  ‘I-I thought I could help.  I thought I could get him to let Daryl go and then, after that, I thought maybe I could-’

‘Do you love him?’  It was Michonne that interrupted you this time and you stared up at her, eyes wide as you tried to figure out the best way to answer that question.  If you said no then you’d risked everything, betrayed the group, for a cheap thrill.  That’s how they’d see it, at least.  If you said yes…  Well, then they’d know, wouldn’t they?

In the end, you didn’t need to say anything.  Your silence told them everything that they’d feared and Rick’s hands were on you again, hauling you upright, his fingers biting into your arms as he dragged you across the room.

‘You can’t be here.’

‘What?  Rick, where the hell else am I gonna go?’

‘She’ll go to him,’ Daryl reasoned, worry evident behind his eyes.  ‘Could tell him anythin’, could tell him ‘bout Dwight.’

You were down the stairs now, stumbling towards the front door which was still hanging open, a small crowd having gathered out on the street, drawn by the banging and shouting.

‘You’re right.’  Rick’s hold on you loosened as you staggered down the porch steps, spinning to face him as he hesitated behind you, coming to a halt as you panted, unable to catch your breath with the panic that was suffocating you.  He unclipped the holster on his belt and your mouth went dry, your eyes tracking his every move as he reached for his gun and raised it before him for the second time that night.  There was an audible gasp of horror behind you, but you couldn’t turn to your neighbours, couldn’t plead with them to speak out.  If they knew what you’d done, they’d be begging for this to happen.  ‘I’m sorry.  I’ve got no choice.’

You squeezed your eyes tight shut, waiting for the impact, for the crack of the shot as it whizzed through the air.  Seconds ticked by, time slowing down until you were certain that it had stopped altogether and that you might already be dead.  And then you heard a cry.

‘Judith?’  Rick’s voice was strained as he recognised his daughter’s whimpers.  ‘Get her out of here.  She can’t see this.’

‘She’s been crying for her daddy all day.’

‘I-I can’t right now.  I’ve got to-’

‘Please, Rick.’

You didn’t know who it was that had saved you.  The poor Grimes child got passed from babysitter to babysitter whilst Rick took on the tasks involved in running a community under the thumb of the Saviors, but you could see the anguish in his eyes as he warred with himself.  Could he do it?  Kill before his daughter’s eyes?  Her screams were getting more desperate, spurring him into motion, and he slipped the gun away, reaching out his arms and moving past you to take the little girl and hold her tight.  ‘Daryl, get her out of here.’

‘But-’

‘I know.  It’s a risk we’re gonna have to take.  Just drive her out a way and dump her.  Chances are, she won’t last the night anyway.  Besides, we’re doing this tomorrow.  By the time she makes it to the Sanctuary, Negan will already be dead.’


	20. Chapter 20

‘What the hell were ya thinkin’?’ Daryl snarled from his position behind the wheel and you imagined his grip tightening as he fought against the anger bubbling up inside him.  His face would be contorted, his eyes narrowed, and you’d bet he was shooting you disbelieving glances.  

A filthy rag was tied around your face where you sat in the passenger seat, your hands bound.  You couldn’t see a thing, had no idea where he was taking you, but you’d bet it was the total opposite direction to the Sanctuary.  At least that would give you some vague idea of which direction you needed to go once he finally let you out.

‘Honestly, when it started, I genuinely did think that I’d be able to get close to him, get you outta there,’ you told him, trying not to flinch when he scoffed.

‘N’ after?  Once I got out?’

'By then it was kinda too late.’

Daryl’s sigh was so heavy that you felt his breath against your cheek.  'I thought ya was one of us.  I taught ya how to hunt, how to fight.’

'I know, but-’

“N’ this whole time, ya’ve been…’  He tailed off, the truck lurching forward as he jammed his foot down harder on the gas.

'Look, he’s different to how you think, Daryl.  He’s sweet and he’s kind and he cares about me.’

'He kills people.’

'And we don’t?’

'To protect ourselves.  Ain’t some crazed power trip with us.’

'Oh, really?’  You raised an eyebrow at him beneath your blindfold, though you knew he couldn’t see it.  ‘So, if Deanna hadn’t caved, given Rick a little authority, let him make some changes, you’re telling me he wouldn’t have taken control by force?’  His silence only frustrated you further.  ‘C’mon, I saw your little powwows, heads down, lowered voices.  I’m not stupid, Daryl, I knew what was going on.  Rick was ready to kill anyone who got in his way.’

'Yeah, to keep the community safe-’

'Just like Negan keeps the Sanctuary safe and provided for.  God, if you all just opened your eyes for a minute you’d see that you’re all the same.’

A feral growl erupted from the archer’s throat and you shuddered against the sticky plastic of your seat.  'I ain’t like him.  Neither’s Rick.  Ya weren’t there.  Ya don’t get it.  Ya din’t see the way he took out Glenn ‘n’ Abraham.’

'No, you’re right, I didn’t.  But I saw him murder Spencer, give the order that got Olivia killed.  I’ve seen him at his worst, I know what I’m dealing with.’

’'N’ ya still wanna be with him?’

'I do.’

The truck shuddered to a halt, though not before it spun, wheeling round for several seconds before finally stopping completely as Daryl cut the engine.  He was trying to disorientate you, you imagined, turning round so you’d end up walking further away from your intended destination.  Well, you weren’t gonna fall for that.

'Get out.’

The panic that you’d been managing to control so far re-emerged with a vengeance, flooding through your veins as you realised the harsh reality of your situation.  He was going to leave you alone, unarmed, miles away from anywhere.  'Daryl, I swear to you, this whole time I’ve been trying to keep Alexandria safe.  I thought if I-’

'I said get out.  Take the blindfold off 'n’ get gone 'fore I do what Rick couldn’t.’

'Can I at least have my knife back?’

'Go.’

He reached over to cut the ties around your wrists and you pushed open the door, slipping the rag from your eyes and letting out a frightened gasp when you finally saw what the son of a bitch had done.  Yeah, he was trying to disorientate you alright, but you now sat in the centre of a crossroads, with no idea of which way you’d come and which way you needed to go.  'Shit.’

'Can’t let ya warn him, Y/N.  We gotta end this.  Ya chose the wrong side.’

 

* * *

 

You’d been walking for days.  You couldn’t say how many, but you knew it had to be several.  They were all blending together, the daylight hours, which you spent traipsing along dirty back roads, endlessly searching for a landmark, anything familiar that would allow you to centre yourself, sinking into darkness, where your only choice was to find somewhere to bunk down and wait for morning to come.  You didn’t sleep.  You were alone and vulnerable and shutting your eyes for even a second could be your downfall.  So you waited.  And then you walked some more.

Your stomach ached with hunger, the two sips a day you allowed yourself from the bottle of water that you’d found in the glove compartment of a wrecked SUV doing little to quench your thirst.  Your limbs felt lead-heavy, your muscles screaming at you to rest, to conserve what little energy you had left, but you ignored the pain.  None of it mattered.  Nothing mattered now but Negan.  You had to find him.

Of course, it had crossed your mind that your quest might be fruitless, that you might be searching for a dead man.  The showdown with Alexandria would have come and gone by now and you’d seen the determined look on Rick’s face.  His seething hatred combined with Dwight’s double-cross could be enough to topple the Saviors and, if that happened, there was no way they’d allow Negan to live.  Too much had happened, too much loss, too much pain.  He would be shot down in cold blood and nobody would so much as blink an eye at his passing.  The thought filled you with an icy dread, chilling your body until you shivered in spite of the fierce sun that beat down on your head.  You felt like you’d wasted so much time trying to protect a group that had ultimately stood silently and let you be banished.  Why had you done that?  You’d cared too much about people that didn’t consider you worth speaking up for and that was just the biggest kick in the teeth.  You should’ve gone with Negan when he asked, left your friends and neighbours to burn under the fire of his fury.  If you’d done that, you’d be with him now, instead of… wherever the hell it was that you were: lost and alone and missing someone who could be rotting in the ground for all you knew.  

You were about to give up for another day, call it a night and maybe try and climb one of the trees that bordered the road to avoid the clutches of any dead ones that might stumble by in the dark when you saw it: metal sign swinging slightly in the evening breeze, pumps standing neglected and cobwebbed, the windows of the small store dirtied and cracked.  The gas station where you’d first met Negan.  The forecourt that you’d pulled your truck into before it finally shuddered and gave up the ghost.  The entrance where Negan had parked up before climbing out to come to your aid.  It was a sign, you hoped, somebody up high telling you that your man was still alive and fighting, waiting for you to go to him.  If nothing else, it meant you finally knew where you were, which way to turn, and your spirits lifted.  You didn’t want to rest anymore, didn’t care about the oncoming darkness.  You suddenly weren’t tired at all.  

You considered your options for a moment, eyeing the sun that was setting behind the trees, slowly disappearing until the sky was lit only by a faint glow.  Then you took a deep breath and started to run.

 

* * *

 

Your toes were blistered in your boots, heels scuffing against the pavement when it became too much effort to pick your feet up and put one in front of the other, but still you walked on.  The Sanctuary must be close, you could feel it, as the roads turned into dirt tracks that resembled the landscape that Carl had described after his foray into enemy territory.  You could just make out a boxy concrete building towering over the trees, but the glare of the sun made it hard to tell just how far away it was and your eyes were gritty with exhaustion.  You’d been walking all night, fighting away your fears and pressing on, needing to keep going, to finally reach the destination that you’d been searching for.  As soon as you’d found yourself outside that tiny rundown gas station, everything else has ceased to matter.

As the trees began to thin, you could just make out wire fences, standing tall, though the figures you could see moving about on the other side were stumbling around, their movements unsteady and lurching, and you paused as their snarls broke through the silence.  No, no, no, no, no.

You broke into a run once more, keeping low, weaving through the shadows as you headed round to the front of the building, a silent scream causing your jaw to drop as you took in the devastation before you.  The fences were collapsed here, an armoured RV standing in the middle of the yard the sure culprit, and walkers had flooded in, surrounding the building, growling like animals as they fought to gain access.  There were hundreds of them, crowding around the walls fifteen deep, a writhing mass of snapping teeth and reaching fingers.  Were there people inside?  Was there anyone left?

It looked like Rick had brought the fight to the Sanctuary and your stomach knotted as you tried to figure out what that meant.  If Negan had survived the attack at the Safe Zone, could he have survived this?  Did the Sanctuary even have the supplies it would need to keep the community going until the herd moved on?  Of course it did, you scolded yourself.  It had more supplies than any other group boasted because it took half of what those under its control grew or scavenged, but how long had they been trapped in there?  And how long before the herd moved off?

You debated trying to find a way to distract the corpses, to draw them away but you were clueless as to where to start.  There were just so many of them.  There was no way to catch their attention, to be heard over their deafening snarls.  You thought when you’d been kicked out of your home, that that was the most helpless you’d ever felt, but this… this didn’t even compare.  Negan could be inside there, right now, just metres away and you couldn’t get to him.  Couldn’t save him.  

Heart broken and aimless once again, you turned and wandered back into the treeline, losing yourself amongst the wooden limbs, crossing the road and entering the denser forest.  What were you supposed to do now?  Where the hell did you go from here?  There was only one place you could think of and with a sigh you altered your direction, angling your path to meet the main road that would get you there.  Fighting back tears, you tried to hold on to some semblance of hope that Negan was alive, that he would look for you, and that he would know exactly where you were headed.


	21. Chapter 21

One thing Negan really hated was feeling out of control.  Sure, he could still put on a show, talk the damn talk, walk the damn walk, but the feeling of helplessness was like an itch beneath his skin that he’d do pretty much anything to scratch, irritating and persistent, driving him fucking crazy.  At first, he’d been able to keep it under control, maintain his cool, even when the freaky preacher man had stumbled into the trailer where he’d taken cover, hiding away from the walkers that now swarmed his home thanks to Rick the prick and his band of merry fucking men, but, after several long hours, his temper was starting to fray.

It wasn’t that Gabey baby was bad company.  On the contrary, Negan found him pretty amusing if he was being honest and he’d found a smug satisfaction in surprising the guy as they talked about Negan’s previous life working with kids and how he’d taken control of the Sanctuary when the last leader had let things get out of hand. However, as the subject turned to Negan’s wives, he could sense the direction of the conversation and it was more than he could handle while he was trapped like an animal.  But it hadn’t taken the turn he inspected, the damn asshole using his discomfort as a distraction to take a damn shot at him.  It wasn’t like Negan to be careless but the pressure and the claustrophobia was just too much as the corpses clawed at the walls.  

And now… Now the creepy son of a bitch had locked himself in the small room at the end of the trailer with the gun and was refusing to come out.  Negan had had enough.

‘We have Lucille to help us get to the Sanctuary,’ he tried to reason.  ‘We have that gun.  We should use it.  More importantly, Gabriel, we have each other.  People are a resource.  We make it inside, we live.’  When he was met with only silence, he continued, a plan forming in his head.  ‘We can take a chance.  We can ‘gut up’, play dead ones across the courtyard.  Or… Or I can just kill you, but that’s not what I want.  What I want is for you to work with me.  That’s all I ever want.’

At first, he thought his words had fallen on deaf ears, but then the other man began to speak, his voice low.  ‘I’ve killed before, but that’s not my greatest sin.’

Negan sighed.  ‘No?’

‘I locked my congregation out of my church when this all just started.  I listened to them die as I cowered.  I failed them.  I failed God.  And every day, I work to lessen that failure, to be of service and purpose.’  Unsure why the good father was sharing this with him, Negan only grunted, but Gabriel’s next words made it clear.  He was still on the whole confession trip.  ‘Now I offer you the assurance of a pardon, penance, and absolution.  I will go with you.  I will show you that working together as equals is the only true way to grace, to a future.  I will do this if you confess.’

Negan wasn’t sure at what point Gabriel had gotten the batshit crazy idea into his head that Negan was looking for redemption or that it was his place to give it, but he had to hand it to him: dude wasn’t giving up!  ‘Jesus, Gabe.  What you did, that is some horrible, cowardly, spineless shit.  But I guess that’s what a confession’s supposed to be, right?’  He took a deep breath, realising that he wasn’t getting out of here without sharing a little something more about himself.  And really, was it that big a deal if it meant getting through the day with all his parts in tact?  ‘My first wife was a real wife.  My only real wife.  Till death did us part.  It was before this.  I lied to her, I screwed around on her.  And she was sick.  And when she went…  When she went, it was during this.  I couldn’t put her down.  That is how I was weak.  That is what I will confess.  Because, yeah, maybe we do bite the big one here.’

It had gotten easier, he realised, talking about Lucille.  Since he’d told Y/N, not about how he’d failed to put his wife out of her reanimated misery, but about how he’d treated her when she was still alive, her acceptance, the fact that she didn’t judge him even for a second, had lifted the weight that had hung around his neck since Lucille’s passing.  

So, when the door finally swung open and the preacher reemerged, stating, ‘You’re forgiven,’ like he was God himself, Negan just nodded.

‘Thanks.’

‘I do have one more question though, if you’ll indulge me.  After all, this might be my last chance to ask.’

‘Well, your balls just keep on growing, don’t they, Gabe!’  

‘What about Y/N?’

Nausea rose up in Negan’s throat as his eyes locked on the priest’s, panic washing over him and constricting his lungs.  ‘What?’

‘Y/N.  You and she are in a relationship, right?  I just wonder where she comes into all of this.  You had your first wife, your real wife, and now you have your harem.  But she’s different, isn’t she?  You took a risk to be with her and now she’s paying the price.  So, I guess I just want to know what it is that she means to you.’

‘She’s - fuck!  She’s paying the price?  What do you mean she’s paying the fucking price?  How the fuck do you even know-’

‘Everybody knows.  Rick banished her from Alexandria days ago.  I take it she didn’t make it here?’

‘He did what?’  Negan’s raised voice riled the bodies crowding around the door and the snarls amplified as the corpses fought to gain access.  ‘What the fuck happened?’

‘The way I understand it, he was going to kill her.  He didn’t,’ Gabriel added as fury flashed across Negan’s face.  ‘Instead, he threw her out, left her to fend for herself.  He knew she’d run to you but, of course, this was the day before the battle at Alexandria and he’d hoped you wouldn’t survive.  He didn’t expect her to make it here to warn you and it seems he was right.’

Icy dread snaked down Negan’s spine as he contemplated exactly what this meant.  Rick knew.  Rick knew and he’d thrown his girl out on her ass, probably, he imagined, without a weapon or even a bottle of water.  It had to have been the kid, it had to.  Nobody else knew except Dwight and, though he’d let him down before, he trusted his fear of the iron to keep him in line.  Dammit, he’d had the younger Grimes pegged as a future Savior, thought he might even have him running an outpost one day when all of this unpleasantness was over, but now…  Well, now he’d have to kill him, beat his skull into the damn ground.

If only he’d listened to his instincts and dragged Y/N kicking and screaming back to the Sanctuary.  He hadn’t wanted to hurt her, to upset her, so he’d humoured her, letting her remain in her home.  She’d been right, there was no way he was going to attack if it meant putting her at risk, so Rick had been free to make the first damn move and now he was trapped and she was out there somewhere, alone, if she wasn’t dead already.  If he’d gotten her out of there he could’ve shut this shit down before it even got started.  Sure, she’d have been mad at him, but she would’ve gotten over it eventually.  She loved him.  It would only have been a matter of time before she let him in again.

‘Oh, you have no idea what you’ve fucking done.’  When he finally spoke, Negan’s voice was a low growl and the preacher visibly recoiled.  ‘Seriously, if you thought you’d seen me mad before, you have no idea what you’ve just unleashed.  Shit, I gave you people a billion chances!  I went fucking easy on you and this is what I get?’

‘What are you going to do?’  Gabriel’s voice wavered, his confidence ebbing away now that Negan was pacing like a caged animal, Lucille swinging menacingly from his gloved fingers.  

‘First, we’re getting the hell out of here and then, Gabe, I’m gonna burn Alexandria to the ground.  You hear me?  I’m gonna make sure every person in there dies a horrible, painful death.’

He reached for the arms of the walker that was trying to crawl in through a broken panel in the trailer’s wall and yanked hard, tearing the body apart so that rotting guts spilled over the floor.  The stench assaulted his nose and he had to fight the urge to gag, but he focused on the task in hand, raising Lucille above his head and using the weight of her to grind the bloody gore into a warm, putrid paste.  

‘You love her.’  Gabriel’s words stilled his movements as his emotions threatened to get the better of him.  He hadn’t admitted it to himself until now, had never spoken the words aloud to her, even when she told him how she felt.  Now that he might have lost her though, he realised just how deep he’d fallen into this thing and his heart twisted painfully.  If he got the chance, if he saw her again, he’d tell her, he swore.  He’d make sure she knew exactly how much she fucking meant to him.

All he said was, ‘I do,’ before he got back to work.


	22. Chapter 22

Sunlight streamed in through the gap in the curtains, falling over your face as you woke slowly, stretching out your limbs.  You were still half-stuck in your dream where Negan’s arms were wrapped around you and you rolled to face him, expecting to curl yourself against the warm solidity of his body, but there was nothing beside you except empty space, the duvet cool, the pillow smooth and undisturbed.  You blinked dazedly as your fingers clutched at the air, before reality seeped back into your consciousness and you let out a loud sigh.  Negan wasn’t there.  Negan was God knows where, trapped or dead or…  Honestly, you didn’t even want to think about it.  You had to cling to the belief that he would come for you.  You had to stay where you knew you could be found.

The little house that Negan had chosen to host your secret meetings had turned out to be the perfect hideaway for exactly the reasons that he’d selected the spot.  It was off the beaten track, hidden from the road by thick forest, and it had remained unsullied by scavengers.  You’d still yet to see a walker in the area which meant you felt secure enough to be able to sleep as long as the doors and windows were bolted, and it almost felt like you’d stepped back in time to a world that remained untouched by the apocalypse that had torn society apart.  It was only the silence that served as a constant reminder that things were different now.  The silence stretched on forever.

Swinging your legs out of bed, you set your feet on the floor, scrunching your toes against the thick carpet as a loud yawn escaped you.  The book that you’d found tucked away in the top drawer of the bedside cabinet had fallen to the ground as you slept and you stooped to retrieve it, relieved that you’d managed to at least mark your page before you’d nodded off.  You carried it with you as you rose, shoving your feet into your boots and shuffling from the bedroom, plodding down the stairs to the kitchen where you’d arranged your limited supplies in one of the cupboards.  You’d gone on a mission when you’d first arrived, breaking in to each house on one side of the street and ferreting through the rooms, searching for anything that may be of use.  Your search had scared up some canned food and cereal bars, some trendy health drinks that tasted of sugar and a few bottles of water, but it wasn’t enough to keep you going indefinitely.  If you had to guess, most of the neighbourhood had packed their things and taken off when the dead started walking, leaving little behind.  You knew that, if Negan didn’t find you soon, you’d have to head out again, check out the places across the road, see if they’d turn up enough supplies to sustain you for a little longer.

Selecting a cereal bar and an apple that’d you plucked from the tree in the garden, one of the last of the season, you placed them on the kitchen table, before pouring a third of the contents of one of the health drinks, a lurid pink coloured liquid, into a glass, which you set down beside them.  Then you settled yourself on one of the wooden chairs, flicked open your book and began to read.  It wasn’t much of a routine but you’d found that it helped.  Eating three meals a day, sitting at that little round table, marked the passing of time, gave you something to look forward to, and, when you’d finished eating, you’d sometimes read aloud, just to check that your voice still worked.  It was a lonely existence, but you were existing, surviving, so you focused on the little things, the things you could control, and tried not to worry about what was going on back home.

When the kitchen fell into shadow, the sun too high in the sky now to flood in through the windows above the sink, you moved to the garden, stretching out on the wooden decking, warmed by the golden rays, and tried to revel in the peace and tranquillity.  After the stresses of the past few months, it was nice to not have to worry about what you were doing, where you were going, who was watching and what they’d think of you if they figured out your dirty little secret.  But at the same time, you were so damn bored, lonely, and you couldn’t ignore the nagging feeling in your gut that Negan wasn’t going to show.  You missed him more than you’d ever thought possible, the uncertainty as to whether he was even alive only intensifying your sense of loss, and it ate away at you a little more every day, no matter how hard you tried to calm yourself. Yes, you told yourself that you were revelling in the tranquillity of sitting outdoors in the sunshine, free from pressures and expectations, but in reality you were grieving for a man that you didn’t even know for sure was dead.

Lunchtime rolled around and you returned to the kitchen, opening a can of beans and eating the contents with a teaspoon so that it would take longer and feel like maybe it was enough to sate your hunger. Sometimes it worked, but not today.  Today your stomach grumbled in complaint and you quieted it with another swig of pink drink, grimacing when its sweetness burned the back of your throat.  Tomorrow, you thought.  Tomorrow, you would venture out and sweep the rest of the buildings, replenish your supplies and maybe find another couple of books to read.  You were almost finished with the few that the previous owner of your little house had left behind.  Without something to read, you were just sitting watching the seconds tick by, and that was the fastest way to lose your mind.

You were rinsing the spoon with a little of the water from your dwindling supply when you heard movement on the street outside.  Could it be…? Reaching for the kitchen knife that you kept tucked in your belt, a habit that you couldn’t shift no matter how secure you felt in your little sanctuary, you crept into the living room, pressing your back to the wall as you peered around the edge of the window, scanning the view for the source of the noise.  Panic wrapped its icy fingers around your throat as you caught sight of a group marching purposefully up the street towards the corner where your little house stood, led by a tall boy with long, dark hair and a sheriff’s hat.  Carl.

They were perhaps a minute away from reaching your door if they kept up their steady, determined gait, and you needed to get out of there. You’d caught sight of the anger that painted Rick’s features as he followed his son, and you knew then that they weren’t coming here to talk to you.  They were hunting you.

Moving quietly, you slipped back out through the kitchen, sinking from the decking into the thigh-high grasses that covered the rest of the garden, wading through the wild tangle of nature until you reached the wooden fence that bordered the yard.  It was made up of tall panels and you couldn’t see what lay on the other side, but at this point you didn’t have a choice.  You pushed yourself up on tiptoes, fingers finding the top of the panel, and hoisted yourself up, tipping your body over just as the front door of the house slammed open.  You landed on your feet, ducking low, instinctively sweeping the area, looking for the next threat, huffing out a soft sigh of relief when you realised that you were alone. But you couldn’t afford to stop, to slow down, with the Alexandrians hot your heels, tearing through the property and, you were sure, finding your supplies, the traces of your presence that you’d had no choice but to leave behind.

Ahead of you was a narrow road and across that was a small stretch of grassland and then more forest, endless miles of dense woodland that would provide cover for as long as you needed.  Taking a deep breath, you took off again, throwing yourself across the road and pounding through the grass, disappearing into the shadows, just as you heard the thud of a body swinging itself up and over the fence.  You didn’t turn to see who was tailing you, just continued to weave through the gloom, ducking beneath low branches, and skirting around thick patches of undergrowth, trying to move quietly without slowing your pace.  Before long, all you could hear was the fall of your own footsteps and your own heart pounding in your ears, and you finally stilled, realising that you were alone again, your pursuer lost some distance back, returning to the group empty-handed.

Looking round, you felt the panic that had been forced down by adrenaline surge its way back to the surface as you realised that you had no idea how far you’d run, or which direction you’d moved in.  You hadn’t been keeping track of your twists and turns, so set on avoiding capture or death that you’d just flown blindly through the trees.  Now, though, you were intensely aware of your disorientation and the fact that, if you couldn’t find yourself, there was no way that Negan would find you either.  Because the one thing you did know now was that he was alive. He was alive and he was fighting back and Rick was scared of the inside information that you could potentially be planning to pass on to him. Why the hell else would he be tracking you down after letting you go? You were a threat still and that meant that the Sanctuary hadn’t fallen.  It wasn’t over yet.

 

* * *

 

Negan was driving too fast, the engine in the beat-up old saloon car whining in complaint as he thrashed it, forcing every last bit of thrust that he could from the clapped-out aging heap of metal.  He was free at last, the Sanctuary breathing a collective sigh of relief after Doctor Smarty-Pants had finally fucking come through and found a way to deal with the herd and get them the hell out of there.  And now the only thing he could think of was finding Y/N.  He was pretty damn sure that she’d know how to find him, the kid had to have filled them all in on that after his little stowaway act, but he also knew that she’d have had to run if she’d stumbled across the undead dickheads that stood in her way.  So, where the hell would she run to?  There was only one place he could think of.

He took the corner at speed, brakes screeching as he slammed down on them, fighting for traction as the car slid across the road, but he kept moving, hitting the gas again when the path straightened out.  And now, if he was right, she was just minutes away, waiting for him to find her. Did she think he was dead?  Shit, maybe.  It wasn’t the most far-fetched conclusion to jump to given the state of the place he called home.  She wouldn’t be sure though, so she’d still head for somewhere familiar, somewhere he would look for her.  Or, at least, he was hoping to hell that’s what she’d do.

His fingers gripped the wheel so tight that his knuckles ached, but he wouldn’t give in to the pain.  The  gash in his thigh throbbed every time he stamped his foot down on the pedals, but he refused to let up. Finding her had to be his first priority.  Then, his second would be making Rick the prick pay over and over until he was crying for the misery to just fucking end.  Damn, Negan would enioy that.  Breaking a man for pleasure was one thing, but to do it for revenge brought a sweet satisfaction unlike no other.

He could see it now, the little house where she’d run into his arms, where he’d told her things that he’d never told anyone, and where she’d fallen to pieces beneath him as he lost himself in her for the first time.  It still looked like the picture perfect hideaway that he’d found for them, tucked away in the corner, untouched by the state of the world around it. Except, no… It didn’t…  The door was swinging from its hinges, the wood splintered down one side, and his heart skipped a beat as he brought the car to a squealing halt, throwing himself out of the door before he’d even silenced the engine.

‘Y/N?  Y/N, you here, doll?’  It wasn’t particularly stealthy or discreet, but he didn’t much care as he strode from room to room, Lucille clutched in his hand, growing more panicked and disheartened as the seconds ticked by.  She’d been here, he was sure of it.  There was a cardigan hanging from the hook on the back of the bedroom door that he was sure looked familiar, and there was a spoon and a glass drying on the draining board in the kitchen.  But there was no sign of her other than that, no small, warm body falling into his arms, no breathy hello husked in his ear.

He’d search the rest of the street, he decided.  He wasn’t giving up.  He’d find her, he would.  She’d been here.  Surely, she wouldn’t have gone far. But, as he ran a hand over the damaged front door, noting how the lock had been ripped from its bracket, he knew she was long gone.  He wouldn’t find her today.  He wasn’t sure he’d find her at all.


	23. Chapter 23

All eyes were on Negan.  He stood on the raised catwalk with his people below him, surrounded by dust and debris and the rotting stench of the gore that stained the concrete floors and every single person under his charge was looking to him for answers.  He’d been in that exact same position countless times before, preaching about the new world order and survivors being a resource, but he couldn’t do that anymore.  He had no desire to settle things with Rick, the widow and the King now.  Alexandria in particular was at the top of his shit list, but really, they’d all played their part in trying to tear down what had taken him a damn long time to build.  He was done trying to reason with them, trying to offer them an easy way out of the mess they’d created.  Lucille was thirsty.  He wanted blood and, in that moment, he didn’t much care who he took it from.

He hadn’t found Y/N.  She’d been long gone by the time he rolled up, he’d figured, after sweeping every house on the street and finding them all empty.  Some had obviously been searched, stripped of supplies, but others remained untouched.  So, she hadn’t been there long enough to run out of food or water.  Why the hell else would she have run?  The only thing he could think of was that something had driven her out.  Maybe walkers, maybe another group passing through, or maybe the people she’d called family hunting her down like an animal.  He’d stayed the night, just in case she’d returned, but whatever had forced her out had obviously scared her too much to allow for that.  The thought sat in his stomach, a constant sick feeling that drove him on and made him hungry for revenge.  So, revenge was what he was gonna preach today.  He’d taken his time returning to the Sanctuary, weaving his way home along the back roads, eyes peeled, just in case, bedding down in his back seat when night fell once again, but now his people needed him and he needed to lead them.

‘I know the last few days have fucking sucked,’ he began, his deep voice echoing through the anxious silence.  ‘We’ve been brought down to our knees, had our collective faces ground into the damn dirt, but guess what, folks?  We’re still standing!’

A hushed whisper ran through the crowd below him and he allowed his lips to quirk up as he felt the hope in the room building.

‘Now, I know that this war has already been tough on all of us.  Shit, we’re running low on fuel for the generators, food, water…  I’m guessing that reminds a lot of you of how things were back at the start, but I’m telling you, what we’ve built here, this place, you people…  We are the fucking foundations of the new world order and we will bounce back, bigger, badder and stronger than ever!’  Another hiss of enthusiasm along with confident nods from his lieutenants where they were positioned around the perimeter.  ‘People are a resource.  You people will restore this place to its former glory, I know that.  I trust you.  And you can trust me to make sure that this shit never happens again!  The dicks that tried to break us, they will pay, and I’m not talking one or two the ringleaders.  I mean, I will make sure that every single one of them lives to regret what they did here.  It’s my job to keep you safe, each and every single fucking one of you, and that means that I’ve gotta go to work now.  You can sleep easy tonight, folks.  Because here’s a little refresher on who I am.  I wear a leather jacket, I have Lucille, and my nutsack is made of steel!  I will personally shut this shit down and there won’t be anybody left to challenge our new society when I’m done!’

This time a triumphant cheer rose up from the ranks and Negan swung his bat up onto his shoulder as he watched his people climb from their knees and begin to applaud.  He had their support.  He wasn’t sure if he would, but the time spent trapped in the swelteringly hot factory, with rations in short supply, had given them all a thirst for revenge that almost rivalled his own.  Almost.  But nobody was as mad as he was in that moment and he knew his fury was flashing in his eyes when he nodded to his sub-leaders to follow him down the corridor to the makeshift meeting room.

His lieutenants settled themselves around the long table, waiting for Negan to take charge, but he needed a moment to gather himself, to calm himself before he could open his mouth to speak again.  He’d managed to rein it in a little, but staring down into those faces and not seeing the one person that he missed more than anything…  It had given birth to a fresh wave of rage that was still pulsing through his veins.  Shit, where was she?  Why the fuck couldn’t he find her?  Hell, she could have left him a sign, a note, anything that might have indicated where the hell she was heading next.  Unless…  Unless, she couldn’t, because she was hurt or afraid or running from Rick or some other bastard set on ending her before Negan could gather her up and protect her.  He wasn’t just seeing red, he was seeing sickening, bloody crimson and it was getting harder to think straight.

‘So,’ Simon broke the silence, leaning forward and rubbing his hands together eagerly.  ‘That was a bit of a turnaround, boss.  Thought we don’t kill people for the sake of it.  Thought it was just about killing the right people at the right time.  Maximum impact, minimal loss of resources.  Isn’t that our usual gameplan?’

He was taunting him, Negan knew, pushing for a reaction, challenging his leadership, and it was the last thing he needed.  The clatter of Lucille slamming against the table wiped the smirk from Simon’s face and he averted his eyes as Negan glared down at him.

‘I didn’t bring you here to discuss what’s going to happen next.  I brought you here to issue some fucking orders, so you will listen to what I have to say.  Do you understand?’

‘Yes sir,’ came the murmured reply.

‘Good.  Now, Dwight, Simon, Gavin… I want you to take your teams and start sweeping the area.  Start here and work your way out.’

‘What are we looking for?’ Gavin asked, but Dwight already knew.

‘Is it her, boss?’

‘She’s out there somewhere, D.  Hell if I know where.’

‘Who?  Why are we wasting resources looking for some girl when we’ve got a war to fight?’  Simon was the only one to ask the question, but Negan could tell that everybody was thinking it.

Thankfully, Dwight shut them down before Negan could lose his temper again.  ‘She might have information that could help us.  I can give you a rundown on what she looks like, where she might have headed, so you can brief your men.’

‘Atta boy,’ Negan nodded his thanks.  ‘When you lose the light, head to your communities.  I need you to lay down the fucking law, tell them that we’ll be taking control from now on.  Hell, we could even look at moving some of ours out there until we’ve finished rebuilding!  Show ‘em that we’re serious about owning their asses!’

‘What about Alexandria?’ Dwight asked, tentatively.

Ignoring him for the time being, Negan continued to issue orders.  ‘Regina, I want you to take a few trucks out to the caches, check the outposts.  I need every weapon we have back here by nightfall and I mean all the heavy duty shit.  Does that answer your question, Dwightyboy?  Either I kill Rick or Alexandria will be fucking levelled by morning.’

 

* * *

 

You rubbed wearily at your eyes, the grime that covered your hands doing nothing to stem the itching of exhaustion that seemed to plague you endlessly now.  You hadn’t slept for more than a few minutes at a time in days, hadn’t eaten in even longer.  Your body was stiff and aching, coated in dirt and dust, your feet burning with every step that you took.  You had no idea where you were, no clue where you were heading.  Your will to live was clinging on by a thread and that thread consisted of just one thing:  Negan.  

The knowledge that he was alive forced you to keep going, to keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other, even as the forest around you grew denser and you lost track of the road that you’d been trying to follow.  You’d tried to double back but had just ended up wandering in circles for several hours before you gave up and pushed ahead regardless.  Hunger, tiredness and dehydration were making it hard to think, hard to focus, and you honestly didn’t know if you’d be able to navigate your way back to the Sanctuary now if you had a damn map fall into your lap.  Your only hope was that by now, Negan would know what had happened, that you’d been turfed out alone, unarmed, and that he’d be searching for you.  Sure, you could be miles away, miles from anywhere, but he had resources.  He’d put his men on to the task, you were sure, and they’d find you.  Whatever it took, they would find you.

You’d risen early today, having no supplies to pack up before you moved off, levering yourself to your feet and taking that first agonising step as soon as the sun’s rays filtered through the leaves overhead.  Your stomach growled with hunger, but you ignored it, chewing on your parched lips as you continued on, stumbling through the thick undergrowth and ducking beneath low-hanging branches.  There was no other sound, no rustle of animals darting through the scrub or twitter of birds on their perches.  You hadn’t seen another person, another creature, living or undead, since you’d fled from Rick and Carl.  It was just you.  Alone.  Quiet.

Except, you realised after you’d been trudging onwards for several hours, it wasn’t quiet anymore.  You could hear footsteps, more muffled than your own, coming from a short distance back, and the growling was growing louder, no longer matching the painful cramps that twisted your stomach.  You spun, taking in the scene behind you, almost falling as you threw yourself backwards away from the herd that was shuffling through the trees.  You couldn’t tell how many there were.  They were blending in with the mottled trunks, the shadows playing tricks on your eyes.  How long had they been following you?  How had you not noticed?  Were you really that far gone?  God, you needed water.  You were off your game and now it might cost you your life.

The nearest corpse was almost on you, your movements slow and stilted by your malnourished state, and you planted your hands on its chest, shoving it away before turning and lurching into a run.  Your muscles tightened in protest but you couldn’t stop, forcing your legs to move faster, to propel you forward and away from the snapping jaws behind you.  You just needed to find somewhere to hide, you told yourself.  If they couldn’t see you, they’d lose your trail, get distracted, drift off through the wood, but there was nothing but woodland and you were growing tired.  

Your boot caught on a root and you fell, arms flailing as the momentum carried you over a ridge to your left, sending you plummeting down a leaf-strewn bank where you collapsed at the bottom as your ankle spasmed in pain.  You could hear the snarls of the walkers getting louder as they tried to follow, tumbling down the hill after you, unable to keep themselves upright on the steep slope.  You had to keep going.  You had to move.

Trying to climb to your feet, you let out a sharp cry as your ankle refused to cooperate, sending a sharp spike of agony up your leg when you tried to put weight on it, and you crumpled again, dragging yourself along on your elbows as the threat drew nearer, and then you saw it.  A dead tree, the inner trunk rotted out, leaving it hollow.  There was a small gap as the bottom as though an animal had taken shelter there at some point and you crawled desperately towards it, trying to put some distance between yourself and the biters before tucking yourself into the cramped space and drawing your legs up to your chin.  For a heart-stopping moment, you thought they’d noticed you struggling into your hiding spot, as the pungent stench of them filled the air around you, but then they were moving past, pursuing some unseen prey.  You held your breath, afraid to risk making any noise that might attract their attention, but there were so many of them, the volume of their own groans rising as the bulk of the herd surrounded the tree, marching onwards, oblivious to you curled up just inches away from their decaying feet.

It had been a lucky escape.  You were too weak to fight, almost too weak to run, and, as the last stragglers passed by, the reality of what could have just happened hit you like a freight train.  You’d come so close to getting ripped apart, devoured by the undead, and you’d barely even realised until they were right on top of you.  You couldn’t do this anymore.  You couldn’t keep pressing on alone.  As the adrenaline that had energised your body ebbed away, loneliness and fear crashed down around you, and you huddled further into the damp, earthy bark and cried.  


	24. Chapter 24

Pain.  Hunger.  Thirst.  Still you limped on.  You’d crawled from your hiding place as the light began to fade, wanting to distance yourself from the herd before nightfall, but your movements were slow, your sense of direction hindered by the fog that clouded your mind.  Your ankle was definitely sprained, maybe worse, and after an hour or so you’d been forced to stop, creating a makeshift splint from a length of wood and some vines, though it chafed against your skin with every step.  Pain.  Hunger.  Thirst.  And so, darkness came.

You were going mad, you thought, hallucinating familiar landmarks: the open fields that rolled off into the distance, spanning large swathes of the countryside between the Safe Zone and Hilltop; the large fallen tree that had been hacked away at for logs during the winter; the rundown cabin that stood neglected in the forest outside of Alexandria’s fences.  Pure instinct had you following the signs, turning as you would if you were trying to make it home, though you knew that there was no way you could be that close by.  You’d gotten turned around so many times, most recently by the rabid herd, so that you had no clue where you were anymore or where you were headed, but you felt like you were miles away from anywhere.  Your mind was playing tricks on you, shutting down, as your parched lips began to tremble.  It wasn’t like you’d be welcomed back even if you were closer to the community that you imagined.  You had nowhere to go, nothing to aim for, and you didn’t have a lot left to give.

And then a voice, loud and booming, as though a loudspeaker was projecting the words through the trees.  A deep, gravelly bass that raised goosebumps over your skin as hope swelled in your heart.  It had to be another trick, didn’t it?  Your imagination taunting you as you stumbled onwards.  But, no, there it was again and you could just make out fences through the shadows.

‘Scorched earth, you dick!’  The curse echoed through the forest and you broke into a run, using the last reserves you had to propel yourself towards the sound, stumbling over the scrub that bordered the treeline and falling to your knees on the dirt track.

A panicked murmur ran through the people that crowded round Alexandria’s gate as the safety clicked off on multiple guns and you raised your head to see a dozen barrels pointed your way.  

‘Negan?’  It was barely a croak, your throat too dry to force sound from.  'Negan?  Is he here?’

'Y/N?’  His voice again, quieter now without the loudspeaker that you could see dangling from his fingers as he strode towards you, falling to his knees so he could cup your face in his hand.  'Shit, doll, look at you!  Where the fuck have you been?  We’ve been looking all over!’

You opened your mouth to respond, but no words came out and, realising your predicament, Negan pointed a finger at the nearest Savior.  'Water!  Get her some water!  Now, dammit, I want your canteen in my hand this fucking second!’

God, the water was bliss, soothing the sandpaper roughness of your throat and nourishing your body.  You let it drip over your lips, relishing the sensation of the cool droplets trailing down your chin and when you opened your eyes Negan was gazing at you, his expression horrified.  'I’m okay.

‘Don’t lie to me.’

'I missed you.  God, I looked for you, Negan, at the Sanctuary and then at the house but-’

'It’s okay,’ he whispered, quieting your emotional outburst.  'It’s okay, I’m here now.  You fucking found me, sweetheart, and I am not letting anything hurt you again, you hear me?’  

His mouth was gentle on yours as he bent his head to kiss you, his touch tentative as though he thought you might shatter if he held on to you too tightly.  You clung to the collar of his jacket, the tears falling freely as he cradled you against his chest, letting you cry until you were a shuddering mess.  

'Take me home, please,’ you begged him.  'Please just take me back with you.  I’m so tired, Negan, I’m so damn tired.’

'Whatever you want, sweetheart, it’s yours,’ he reassured you.  You watched as he eased himself to his feet, leaning down to slip an arm behind your shoulders and another beneath your knees and scooping you up as though you weighed next to nothing, which you supposed after so long without food, may well be the case.  'I’m gonna sit you in one of these trucks here, alright, and as soon as I’m done, I’ll get you back, I promise.  You’re safe now.’

'W-wait, when you’re done?’  Your brow creased with a frown as you processed the situation that you’d just stumbled in to.  Only now that your mind was clearing did you notice the bloodthirsty atmosphere that hung over the group, the heavy artillery that they sported as they waited for their leader to take control once again.  'Wha-what’s going on?  What are you doing here, Negan?’

'These people hurt you, princess.  They kicked you out, left you out here alone with nothing.  You could’ve died!  I could’ve fucking lost you!  They led a fuck ton of walkers to my front door!  They slaughtered half my Saviors’!’

'Negan-’

'They have to pay!  I have to make them understand that not a single piece of that shit is gonna fly!  They need to realise who fucking owns their asses!’

'But… No, Negan-’

'I nearly lost you.’  The sincerity in his eyes broke your heart, the dark circles underneath sure signs of the pain and anguish that had plagued him when you’d been apart.  A small part of you almost agreed, almost gave in and condoned what he was about to do, but a slideshow of images was flickering through your head and you couldn’t stop it.

Children.  Young and spirited and seemingly untouched by the nightmare outside of the gates.  Running around the lake, gathering in a line outside of the makeshift school or drawing patterns on the streets with bright white chalk.  Judith gurgling happily in your arms as you talked nonsense at her, watching over her until her daddy got home.  Aaron and Eric sitting across from you at the dinner table, laughing, twirling spaghetti around their forks, their lips tomato red as they ate.  And you knew then what you’d known before when you’d stubbornly refused to leave the Safe Zone and move to the Sanctuary: you couldn’t let this happen.

'There are good people in there, Negan.  People who don’t want to fight.  Reasonable people.  Children.  Families.  You can’t do this.’

'They’ve brought it on themselves!  Did any of them stand up and stop Rick from kicking your ass to the kerb?’

'No, but-’  But they’d stopped Rick from killing you, you wanted to say, though Negan didn’t give you the chance.  Someone had stepped forward with Judith in their arms and stopped him from cutting you down then and there and you had to believe that that had been intentional.

'I gave them a choice, Y/N.  I told them to send out Rick or I’d burn the place to the fucking ground and I don’t see that smug prick’s face anywhere, do you?’

The argument was interrupted by a voice from above and you glanced up to see Carl watching from the guard’s post.  ‘He’s not home.’

As one, the Saviors’ around you turned their guns on the kid but Negan only smirked, placing you gently on the ground, though he kept one arm around you to hold you upright.  ‘Oh-ho-holy shit! Everybody hold your fire.  It’s Carl.’  He took a couple of steps forward, moving slowly to give you a fighting chance of keeping up.  ‘Look at you.  Answering the door like a big boy.  I am so proud.’

You elbowed him in the ribs, shooting him a stern glare, unsure how riling the kid up was going to help anything at this point.  He looked pale you realised when you turned your attention back to him, a light sheen of sweat covering his skin.

Negan went on, ignoring your interruption.  ‘Daddy’s not home, huh?  Well, I guess he’s gonna get back to a big, old smoky surprise.’

‘There’s families in here.’  Carl’s voice didn’t waver as he tried to reason with Negan, but you could see the resignation in his eyes.  ‘Kids.  My little sister.’

‘Well, that shit just breaks my heart.  There’s kids at the Sanctuary.  You must’ve seen 'em.  Even had a little baby at one of the outposts.  I wonder what happened to her.’  Negan sighed, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.  ‘None of this shit’s fair, kid.  Hell, you know that.  You had to kill your own mom.  That is screwed up.  Ergo, we need someone in charge who’s willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that shit doesn’t happen.’  He paused for dramatic effect.  ‘Oh.  Wait.  That’s me.’

‘Bad stuff does happen, but we can figure this out.  
We can stop this.’

'Yes, we can,’ you spoke up, desperate to stop this before it began.  'If you could just-’

'Do you see this shit?’ Negan cut you off, reaching over to grasp your chin and angle your face towards Carl.  'Do you see the fucking state of her?  You did this!  You and Rick!  I am holding you personally fucking responsible and you can bet your balls that there will be punishment-’

‘Kill me.’

Your jaw dropped as Carl shut down Negan’s rant with two words.

Negan was right there with you, shocked by the instruction, though he recovered faster, narrowing  his eyes.  ‘What did you say?’

‘If you have to kill someone, if there has to be punishment, then kill me.  I’m serious.’

‘You wanna die?’ the head Savior asked incredulously.

‘No, I don’t,’ Carl admitted.  ‘But I will.  It’s gonna happen.’

The man at your side fell silent, his jaw clenched as though he might actually be considering it, and you turned beseeching eyes on him.  Sure, Carl had sold you down the river, sealed your fate, but he’d kept your secret until Dwight had turned up.  Plus, he was just a kid.  He was  Rick’s kid.  In all honesty, it was a wonder he wasn’t even more sanctimonious.  Rick was the problem.  He was the one that needed to be put down.  'Negan, don’t do this.’

He turned to look down at you, his hazel eyes conflicted, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as he groaned in frustration.  He lowered his head to capture your mouth, kissing you long and hard this time, only his arm around your waist keeping you standing as you melded your body to his.  He tasted like mint and whiskey and you wished you were anywhere but where you were so you could lose yourself in him and let him comfort you the way that only he could, but then he was pushing you away, nodding to the hulking man behind you to move forward and take your weight.  'Get her back to the Sanctuary.  Have the doc check her over and show her to my room.  Anything happens to her, I’ll chop your fucking balls off, do you understand?’

'Yes, sir,’ came the terse reply, and then you were being shepherded away, hefted into the passenger seat of the vehicle at the rear of the convoy, your protests ignored.  You could feel Negan’s eyes on you as the stranger climbed in beside you and started the engine, could feel his pain as though it were your own as you drove away.  But you were too angry in that moment to understand what he was doing.  There were people you cared about inside those fences and, at this rate, they wouldn’t make it through the night.

 

* * *

 

Y/N was sleeping when Negan finally slipped in to his quarters.  Dawn had come and gone and the glow of flames as Alexandria burned still danced behind his eyes.  So, he hadn’t killed Rick.  He’d still sent a fucking message and that was enough for now, he supposed.  His time would come.  Rick would fucking pay.

For now, his only focus was his girl.  She looked so tiny curled up on top of his sheets, her skin clean of the grime that had streaked her face and arms when she’d emerged from the forest.  There were tiny cuts and scrapes on every inch of her that he could see and her leg was heavily bandaged.  He hated the sunkenness of her cheeks, the exaggerated hollows of her collarbone.  Shit, she looked like she hadn’t eaten in too long.  He hoped she’d been offered dinner before she’d been escorted to his room.

He hadn’t believed it was her when she’d first collapsed on the road, this wild urchin with tangled hair and chapped lips.  And then she’d rasped his name and everything had fallen back into place.  She was alive and she’d fucking found him and he wasn’t ever going to let her go again.  All he’d wanted to do was gather her up and carry her far away where nothing could hurt her, but he had a fucking job to do and his people were looking to him for orders.

Kicking off his boots, he crawled up the mattress, curling his body against her back and inhaling the sweet, soapy scent of her.  She fit against him just as perfectly as she ever had and her warmth had his eyelids growing heavy faster than he would’ve thought possible after the chaos of the night’s events.  His last thought before he drifted off to sleep was that he’d have to make the most of holding her like this because he was sure as shit that, when she woke, she’d fucking hate him.

* * *


	25. Chapter 25

The bed beside him was empty when Negan woke, the sheets cool to the touch, and he sat up with a groan, rubbing his hands over his eyes.  They felt gritty with tiredness, still stinging from the smoke that had billowed through the air in Alexandria last night, and he fought back a smirk as he thought of Rick’s devastation over the destruction of his home.  Sure, it seemed like a waste, taking down a secure community like that, but hell, as soon as they got the damn message as to who was calling the shots here, he’d help rebuild, make those fences taller and stronger than ever.

Rolling from the bed, he stripped off yesterday’s t-shirt, flinging it to one side before he left the room, his eyes immediately falling on the couch in his quarters where Y/N was curled up, her knees tucked against her chest, her eyes fixed vacantly on the sky as she stared out of the window.  She looked a little better in the morning light than she had done when she’d been tucked up in his bed, though he could feel the hostility coming off of her in waves.  She was wearing one of his t-shirts, he could see, the fabric hanging loose off of her malnourished frame, and in her hands she held a book from the small shelf by his desk.  

‘Mornin’ doll,’ he greeted her easily, folding his long body onto the other end of the couch, careful not to touch her, waiting to let her take the lead.  He knew she’d be pissed off with him but, at the end of the day, she didn’t owe the assholes in that place anything, so how angry she was he really didn’t know.

‘Did you do it?’  She turned wide eyes on him, her gaze nonchalant though he could see her gnawing on her bottom lip as she waited for him to answer.

‘Fuck yeah, I did.’

She took a deep breath, running a hand through her hair and setting her book down on the small table beside her, before twisting round to get up from her seat and making to stalk past him.  His hand wrapped around her wrist as he leant forward, halting her in her tracks, the move taking him back to the first time she’d come to meet him in that little house, when he’d reached out to her to hold her in place as he’d sought to find the words to express his concern, his fears.  Then, she’d looked at him as though she couldn’t quite believe that he was standing in front of her, close enough to touch.  Now she was glaring down at him with disappointment painted over her features.  ‘Let go of me.’

‘Don’t walk away from me then.’

‘I don’t want to look at you right now.’

‘We need to talk, sweetheart.’  He tugged at her until she finally gave in and sank back down beside him, though she yanked herself from his grasp as soon as her butt hit the seat.  ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Peachy.’

‘Y/N-’

‘What?  What do you want me to say, Negan?  You knew that there were people I loved in there, people I’ve been with since the beginning.  You knew that I stayed there to protect them.  Even when all I really wanted to do was to be with you, when I had Carl breathing down my damn neck, I stayed for them.  Then the second I’m gone, the second I’m out of the way, you go in there and do exactly what I asked you not to.  God, you could have been out there looking for me.  I hoped that you were.  But instead you were going behind my back to kill my friends.  I don’t know what else there is to talk about.’

Negan’s mouth dropped open, gobsmacked.  Did she really think that little of him?  Did she really think he hadn’t searched for her?  ‘I looked for you,’ he began, trying to keep his voice level, his volume low, though he wanted to grab her and shake her and scream at her until she understood.  ‘I went back to the house and I searched that whole damn street.  I stayed the night just in case you came back but you were long gone.  It took me three days to drive back to the Sanctuary ‘cause I followed every fucking back road I came across just in case it led me to you.  I had my Saviors out there, sweeping the forest, when we’ve got a damn war to be fighting because I couldn’t bear the thought of you out there alone, so don’t act like I don’t fucking care!’

‘So, what happened?  How did you end up outside Alexandria’s gates, huh?  You know I wasn’t trying to get back there!  It was pure coincidence or sheer dumb luck that I got turned around when I did!  I could’ve been dying while you were playing your stupid war games, do you get that?  Do you understand?’

‘Sweetheart-’

‘No, Negan, you don’t know, okay?  You don’t know how I scared I was!  I made it here, I did, I found this place, but it was surrounded.  There were walkers everywhere and I didn’t know… I thought you were dead.  I went to the house because I didn’t have anywhere else to go, but Carl led Rick and the others to where he’d watched us.  They were flushing me out like an animal and I was alone and scared and lost, and I had no food and no water, and the woods were crawling with corpses and then I got hurt and-, and-…’  She tailed off as her emotions got the better of her, heaving sobs racking her body as she folded in on herself, rocking back and forth as she hid her face in her arms.  ‘I wanted you so bad.  I wanted you to come and save me and you never did.  You were too busy on your little killing spree.  Is your ego really that big?’

‘Enough.’  It was one word, but it shut down Y/N’s venomous outburst and he stretched an arm out to tentatively rest a hand on her back, rubbing down her spine as he sought to comfort her.  She flinched away from his touch, before relaxing into it, inching closer as she instinctively sought out his warmth.  ‘I was hurt when Rick brought down our fences.  I ended up locked in one of the storage trailers with that creepy priest-’

‘Gabriel?’

Negan nodded.  ‘He told me that he knew about us.  He told me everyone knew and he told me what Rick had fucking done to you.  We were surrounded and those things were tearing the damn place apart.  I honestly thought that was it, that we were gonna die in there.’  He swallowed hard as Y/N scrubbed away her tears, though they clung to her lashes as she blinked up at him, waiting for him to go on.  ‘The thing that kept me going, kept me fighting, was knowing that I was gonna get vengeance for you, for us.  Shit, I spent hours planning exactly how I was gonna hurt Rick when I got out of there.  I didn’t know if you were alive or dead or… Hell, I don’t know.  When I couldn’t find you, I just- I felt so goddamn useless.  I can’t do it, doll.  I can’t just sit around scratching my balls, not knowing what the hell’s going on.  So, I did the one thing I knew I could do.  I got my ass over to Alexandria and I was ready to make that prick pay.’

‘But the grenades…  God, you must’ve burnt the place to the ground.’

‘Not all of it.  And it was never my intention.  I didn’t go there for that.  But Rick wasn’t there and I had a damn point to prove.’  He cleared his throat, relief washing over him when her fingers crept over to rest on his knee.  ‘When I saw you stumbling out of those woods, I thought for sure you were a walker.  The way you moved, way you looked.  And I thought I was gonna die right then and there.  I thought it was all over.  But then you said my name, princess, and I had my reason to fight back all over again.  Because I couldn’t let the bastard who did that to you, the people that let him… I couldn’t let them get away with it.  I had to make them fucking pay!’

‘Even though you knew how much I’d hate it?’

‘No offence, sweetheart, but I couldn’t give a single flying fuck in that moment.  All I wanted to do was get you the hell out of there and kill every last one of them.  I was mad.  I was so goddamn mad.’

For a while, she was silent, watching him as he fidgeted uncomfortably, unsure whether she was building up to kissing him or kicking his ass.  She could if she tried, he was sure.  He wouldn’t stop her.  

‘I still don’t get why,’ she admitted eventually.  ‘Why you’d get so worked up like that.’

‘I thought I’d lost you, doll.’

‘Yeah, but why did you care so much?  I mean, you have your other wives.  If you lost me, you’d have other women ready and willing to take my place, right?  Was I really worth all that?’

For the second time since he’d woken, Negan was speechless.  How the hell could she even ask that question?  Hadn’t he shown her time and time again how much she meant to him?  He wouldn’t have gone to half that damn trouble for a single one of his wives.  ‘You’re special, sweetheart.  Shit, you must know that.’

‘Because I was unattainable,’ she bit out but he shook his head.

‘Felt pretty damn attainable to me.’

‘No, I mean… it was all about secrecy and sneaking around and hiding out.  That’s all it was, right?  That’s what made it seem special or whatever?’

As she spoke, Negan replayed their past conversations in his head, wondering what the hell it was that would have made her think like that, doubt his feelings even for a second and then it snapped into place and he tipped his head back, sighing deeply as he realised what a damn idiot he’d been.  Twice.  Twice now she’d told him she loved him and he’d brushed over it, barely acknowledging the power of her what she was telling him.  Twice he’d bit back the natural response because he hadn’t wanted to put pressure on her and because he fucked up the people he loved.  Just look at his relationship with Lucille.  But she needed to hear it, he got that now.  She needed to hear it because she thought she was just another conquest to add to his long fucking list.

‘That’s not it.’  He finally met her eyes again, his tongue snaking out to wet his bottom lip as he squared his shoulders and injected every ounce of sincerity that he could muster into his next words.  ‘I fucking love you, sweetheart.  I’m sorry I haven’t said it ‘til now.’

Your jaw dropped open at Negan’s declaration, though you couldn’t challenge the sincerity in his words or the look of desperation in his dark eyes.  You hadn’t meant for all of your doubts to come spilling out like they did.  You hadn’t even realised that they’d been playing on your mind until you’d opened your mouth and out they’d come.  It was strange, you supposed, how the niggling questions took over when you were scared and alone and hurt.  They’d been taunting you with every second that ticked by with no sign of him, no indication that he was searching for you at all.  But now…  

He’d never said those words before.  It hadn’t been lost on you, how he’d brushed over them every time they’d fallen from your lips.  You’d tried to tell yourself that he’d warned you that he wasn’t good at relationships, that he’d been open with you about how things had been with his late wife and that you shouldn’t expect too much, but after everything you’d been through for him, you needed more.  And now you had it.  He’d offered it up to you and was still watching you with hopeful eyes as you mulled it over in your head.  

You were mad - blood-boilingly, stomach-churningly mad at him for what he’d done to your home, to your people - and yet you could understand why he’d done it now.  If Rick had killed him, you couldn’t say you wouldn’t have made the same choice given the resources that Negan had at his disposal.  And now, there was a war on and it was time to choose your side.  You couldn’t sit on the fence anymore and, though you hoped that there would be no more bloodshed, it was time to align yourself with the side you wanted to be victorious and throw yourself into the fight.  

Sliding along the cushion until your leg was flush with his, you tucked yourself under Negan’s arm, stroking your fingers over his bare chest before reaching up and cupping his face with your hand so you could pull his lips down to yours.  He gave you what you wanted, kissing you gently, his mouth moving on yours as though he was drinking you in, not wanting to rush things or take control.  Just content to be tasting you in that moment.  His stubble scraped against your skin and you smiled into the kiss, sighing when he did the same.  ‘I love you too.’


	26. Chapter 26

‘Say it again.’

The beaming smile that your request drew from Negan made you laugh and you wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling his mouth down to yours so you could kiss him again, feel the quirk of his lips as they slanted across yours.  It hadn’t been long after his declaration that he’d carried you back to his bed, proving his words to you in a million tiny different ways that made your toes curl and your stomach tighten deliciously, but, now that your high had ebbed away, you’d developed an insatiable hunger to hear him say it again and again and again.  For his part, he was happy to obey, and when he murmured, ‘I love you,’ against the skin of your throat, a shiver ran through you.

After so long apart, reuniting with Negan, stripping yourselves of clothes and wrapping yourselves around each other, felt like coming home, and you thought you might actually burst with happiness as he trailed kisses down your neck and across your collarbone, making a slow but steady descent south, mumbling those three little words over and over as his stubble scratched at your skin.  'I love you.  Fuck, I love you.’

'I love you, too,’ you whispered back, the words catching in your throat as his teeth nibbled at your hipbone, heat spiking through you as he continued his assault on your body.  You winced as you forgot yourself, lifting your bandaged leg to rest on his shoulder and his look of infatuation shifted to one of concern.

‘You sure you’re up for this, doll?  I don’t wanna fucking hurt you now.’

'Don’t stop,’ you pleaded, gently placing the injured limb back on the mattress and letting out a contented sigh when he returned to his teasing, satisfied for now just to feel his hands on you, his mouth wreaking havoc on your senses as he watched you unravelling through dark, hooded eyes.

As the midday sun streamed in through the window, it glinted from the dark curls of his hair, casting his skin in a golden glow, and for a moment the sensation of his touch faded away as your heart skipped a beat just taking in the raw beauty of him.  He hadn’t shaved in too long, his stubble almost long enough to be called a beard, but his dimples were still clearly visible as he shot you a devilish grin.  His body was all hard angles, broad shoulders and taut sinewy muscles and you ached to reach out and trace every vein, every ridge and dip and crease, until you knew every inch of him inside and out.  You didn’t think anyone or anything had ever felt so entirely yours and your heart felt fuller than it ever had.  You knew then that your decision was the right one.  You were exactly where you were supposed to be.

'You alright up there?’  Noticing your distraction, Negan crawled back up your body, planting an elbow either side of your head so he could hover over you and study your face.  'Got real quiet all of a sudden.’

'I’m sorry.’  You almost laughed at the indignant look on his face.  ‘Got kinda distracted.’

‘By what?’

'You.’  His brow creased in confusion and then you did laugh, reaching up to rub his frown away with your fingertips.  'You’re kinda handsome, you know that?’

'I’ve been told.’

'I’ll bet.’  Your touch ghosted down his cheek, thumb smoothing over the bone as his gaze softened, his default arrogance slipping away to reveal the man hidden beneath.  

'I’m amazed you don’t just see an old fucking man when you look at me, doll.’  He sighed, leaning down to rest his forehead against yours.  'It’s all I see when I look in the mirror these days.  But then I look at you looking at me and it’s like I’m a fucking teenager again.’

'I think that’d make you a little young for me,’ you snickered.

'Better than being too old to keep up.’

You dropped your hand to his chest, trailing it through the fuzz of dark hair and smoothing it down his stomach, smirking when he tensed and his eyes flickered closed.  'I don’t think you have to worry about that.’

 

* * *

 

You didn’t leave his quarters at all that day, whiling away the hours sleeping and talking and making love.  You didn’t think you’d ever tire of his company, would ever be able to watch him pad across his bedroom, unclothed and unabashed, without feeling heat rise within you.  When he declared himself hungry you happily crawled from his bed and let him dress you in that oversized t-shirt of his, before curling up in his lap on the couch to share mouthfuls of a steaming bowl of pasta that had been sent up from the kitchen.  Afterwards, his eyes drifted closed and before long he was snoring gently, his chest rising and falling with every breath.  The book that you’d been trying to read when he’d disturbed you that morning was still resting on the arm beside you, so you picked it up, finding your place and curling against him as you read, losing yourself in the story as he grounded you with his solidity and warmth.  An image flashed across your mind, of the two of you in the same position but older: your hair shorter and struck through with silver; Negan’s face more heavily lined.  A future.  It was more than you’d ever dared to wish for since the dead had started walking but now it was all you could think about.  Would the two of you grow old together?  Could you?  Did growing old even happen in this world that you were forced to inhabit?  Maybe, you reasoned, behind the Sanctuary’s fences and with an army of Saviors’ watching your back.  Maybe this could be forever.

You whispered the word, letting it roll from your tongue, enjoying the deliciously indulgent taste of it as you spoke it aloud.  'Forever.’

'Wha’s that, doll?’  Negan’s voice was thick with sleep as he stirred, caught in the void somewhere between dozing and waking.  ‘You say somethin’?’

'I want to spend forever with you.’  It was only a murmur, but a grin spread over his face and he pulled you tighter against him, wrapping you up in his arms as he nuzzled into the crook of your neck.

‘You and me both, darlin’.’  

'I wish every day could be like this.’

'Maybe it can be.’  His eyes finally opened and you felt him stiffen a little as he broached a subject that you’d both been avoiding.  'But I got a fucking rebellion to put down first.’

You sighed, shifting to bury your face against his chest, wishing you could hide away from the reality of what needed to be done.  'Do we have to talk about this?  Can’t we just have one day where it’s not happening and it’s just you and me and no war or walkers or death?’

‘Hey, it’s been a perfect damn day, sweetheart.  Last thing I wanna do is ruin it.’  You could feel his words rumbling through him, the vibrations increasing as his tone grew deeper, darker.  'But tomorrow, I’ve gotta go to work. I’ve gotta shut this shit down before any more of my people get killed and I need to know that you understand that.’

'I do.’  He nodded against your hair but you knew he wasn’t done and, in all honesty, you had questions you needed him to answer.  'What are you gonna do, Negan?’

'I’m gonna pay Hilltop a visit.’

'That’s not what I meant.’

'Look, I don’t wanna wipe them out, okay?  So, I’m not gonna go in there guns-a-blazing.’  He cleared his throat, forcing you to look at him and your heart lifted a little when you saw the sincerity in his eyes.  'I’m gonna set up a perimeter.  Starve 'em out.  Nobody enters, nobody leaves, until they accept that I’m in fucking charge.’

'Like a siege?’

'Exactly.  That damn widow needs to know who’s calling the shots.’

'She’s smart, you know?  Maggie.  She grew up on a farm and the Hilltop is a farming community.  She’ll find a way to keep her people fed.’

'Maybe,’ Negan conceded.  'But I’d bet my balls that any survivors from Alexandria will have made their way to Hilltop by now which means those resources are gonna be spread pretty damn thin.’

That hadn’t occurred to you, though you knew instinctively that it was true.  Rick would go to Maggie and Maggie would take him in without question.  After all, the Alexandrians were her people too.  ‘I guess you’re right.’

'I know it seems harsh, doll, but it’s no fucking different to what they did to us.’

'I know.’

‘So, you’re on board?’

'I don’t-’

'I need to know you’ve got my back on this, Y/N.’

'Why?’  You so badly wanted to give in to him, to give him your blessing, but you weren’t sure you had it in you.  Yes, you wanted Rick to pay, but there were innocent people behind those fences, families, children, and you weren’t sure you could condone the idea of letting them starve.  But then, there were families at the Sanctuary, amongst the workers who hadn’t lifted a finger to harm anyone, and Rick had still barricaded them inside with a wall of walkers, before blowing a hole into the structure and letting the undead flood in.  There was no right answer here.  Just a whole load of wrong ones.  'Why is it so important to you that I back you up?  Isn’t it enough that I’m here?’

'Because I’m not just fighting for me anymore!’  He was growing frustrated, you could tell, his jaw tense, eyes flashing as he held your gaze.  ‘It’s not about the new world fucking order now.  It’s about you and me.  It’s about what they did to you and it’s about being able to build a fucking future together without that prick breathing down my neck.  You want forever, doll.  Well, this is the only way that I know to give it to you.’

It was a hell of a speech.  You weren’t sure how he did it, but every time Negan opened his mouth he won you over.  God, he could tell you to walk through fire and you were sure you’d do it if he was looking at you with the same burning intensity.  Your heart was in your mouth, your body straining towards him as you nodded, already wishing that he was kissing you again.  He wanted what you wanted.  Everything else was just… it didn’t matter.  He had to end it.  One last push.  As long as they knew when to surrender, the suffering would be minimal, and you would be free to create that future that you’d pictured as he slept.  'Okay.  Do it.  Whatever you need to do, just end it, Negan.’

When his mouth captured yours this time, it wasn’t loving or playful or any of the other words that could have described the multitude of kisses that he’d pressed on you over the past day.  It was scorching hot, burning with need, greedy and desperate like you were the final meal granted to him on death row.  You went with it, melting against him, letting him take control as he tugged you into position, unable to think straight with the way that his fingers were biting into your skin, pulling you impossibly closer, until you had lost all sense of where you ended and he began.  His hunger for you was fierce and all-consuming, and the rest of the world faded away as he sunk into you.  There was no future to strive for, no past to avenge, just the two of you, locked together in that moment, climbing into the heavens and exploding into a million tiny stars.

 

* * *

 

Later that night, curled against his side, you tried to hang on to that feeling of completeness.  What came next scared you and the images that flashed across your vision now weren’t of the future, but of Negan’s body, bloodied and lifeless, laid out in front of you as Rick watched on.  It was only as you finally let sleep take you, that it occurred to you that you hadn’t told him about the snake in his garden.  You hadn’t wanted to ruin the day by sending him on a bloodthirsty mission to track Dwight down and tear him limb from limb.  In the morning, you thought.  You’d tell him at first light.  You wouldn’t allow the back-stabbing weasel to prove to be both of your downfalls.


	27. Chapter 27

It was strange how quickly heaven could descend into hell.  

‘I don’t believe you.’  Numb.  You couldn’t feel anything.  Not pain or grief or anger.  Just an all-encompassing sense that you weren’t really there, that this wasn’t really happening.  Dwight’s eyes were unsure as he guided you over to the couch, as though waiting for you to take a swing at him.  You still weren’t sure why you hadn’t, but you just couldn’t get your arm to move.

‘You have to accept it,’ he was saying, his voice low and calm, though his touch was cold as ice as he tried to force you down onto the cushions.  ‘He’s gone.  Saw it with my own eyes. Rick ran him right off the road.’

‘That doesn’t mean he’s gone.’

‘Look, you didn’t see…  There was a lot of blood.  Nobody could’ve walked away from that.’

Negan had been gone when you’d woken.  He’d left you sleeping at first light and taken off to do what needed to be done, never giving you the opportunity to fill him in on who exactly it had been that had sold you out to Rick and his people.  Hours later, it had been Dwight that knocked on your door to deliver the news that would turn your world upside down.  As you processed the information, trying not to picture the accident that was being described, you felt a hot flash of rage burst forth.  ‘Did you know that was gonna happen?’

‘What?  No, I-‘

‘Did you plan it with your new best friend?’  You sneered at Dwight’s pained look.  ‘Oh, come on.  You sold me out to save your own ass.  You wanted Negan dead, that’s what you told them.  Is that what this is?  Is this because of you?’

‘I didn’t want you to get hurt.  I just needed-‘

Your arm did move then, rising fast to land a stinging blow across his cheek, sending him reeling backwards.  ‘Get out.’

‘Y/N-‘

‘I said get out!’

The room was spinning and you stumbled, finally sinking down against the soft leather. Your fingers clutched at the arm, trying to steady yourself, but you were in freefall, your very being coming apart at the seams and it was all you could do to remember to breathe.

‘Why didn’t you tell him?’  Dwight had crossed to the door but was still watching you warily, his face a vivid red from the impact of your fist.  ‘Negan.  Why didn’t you tell him that it was me that went behind his back?’

‘Because I didn’t want to ruin a perfect day.’  Tears spilled down your cheeks as you flashed back to yesterday when you’d been curled up in that exact spot with Negan’s warmth beneath you.  ‘I don’t have any loyalty to you, so don’t kid yourself if you think I was protecting you.  I was going to tell him.  I was going to tell him today before he left but he snuck out while I was still sleeping.  You deserve whatever the hell he would have done to you, you son of a bitch.’

‘Just as well he’s gone then.’

 

* * *

 

Everything hurt.  Negan had had one hell of a time of it and it wasn’t over yet.  He’d been run off the road by Rick, beaten the hell out of, had his precious Lucille lit up like a damn torch and then been kidnapped by the crazy trash bitch whilst she rambled about what his people had done to hers.  His people!  That sure was rich given that he’d had nothing to do with the damn massacre that had taken place at the Heaps.  That had been all Simon, and hell if Negan wasn’t going to make him pay when he got his hands on him.  It hadn’t escaped his notice that not one of his Saviors had come to his aid as he battled with the enemy and he’d be damned if that didn’t have something to do with Simon too.  They’d always clashed over methods and the bloodiness of the punishments that his right-hand man wanted to dole out, but there was more to it now. If he had to guess, he’d say that he was building up to make a move, force Negan out of power and take the Sanctuary for himself.  No chance.  Negan would put him down in a heartbeat if it came to that, but it was one more distraction that he didn’t need.

Glancing over at the blonde in the driver’s seat, a low growl rumbled from his throat as he processed the main distraction that was stopping him from getting on with what he should be doing, which was crushing Rick’s skull into the ground.  Dwight.  Good old Dwightyboy.  Could it be true?  Could he really be the double agent in his house?  As much as he hated to think it of his best lieutenant, he couldn’t deny that it all added up, especially since Sherry had done a runner and disappeared.  She wasn’t dead, Negan was sure of that, and so it made sense that Dwight would wanna kill him off to free himself up to head out and find her.  Hell, maybe he was giving the guy too much credit.  Maybe it was a matter of pure revenge.  He had fucked his wife after all, though it had been months since he’d laid a finger on her.  If she hadn’t run, he might even have let Dwight take her back.  He had no use for, or indeed interest in, any of his harem since Y/N had come into his life.

Y/N.  God, it pained him just to think of her.  She’d be worried about him, he knew that, probably pacing his quarters and tearing her hair out.  What would they have told her? Would she think he was dead?

‘Don’t this rustbucket  run any faster, doll?’

Laura fixed him with a steely gaze.  He knew she was probably hurting too, and hungry. Girl was skin and bones after her time out on the road alone, having been left behind after the attack on Alexandria, but she was a damn survivor, he had to give her that.

‘I’m taking you in the back way, okay?  It might take a little longer but you said you didn’t want anyone to see you.’

‘I don’t,’ he conceded.

‘What’s the hurry anyway, boss?’

‘There’s someone I need to get home to.’

 

* * *

 

The knock at the door stirred you from your stupor.  You’d been keeping it locked, unwilling to let Simon or any of the other lieutenants in to rifle through Negan’s desk drawers.  You hadn’t felt like eating or talking or anything else that you probably needed to do, so you’d shut yourself away, taking to the plush double bed and only moving to use the bathroom. Forcing yourself out from beneath the covers, you padded out of the bedroom and across to the door, uncaring of your half-dressed state.  You hauled it open, fixing a look of disinterest on your face, but that soon dissolved into disbelieving tears of shock and ecstasy when you looked up into those familiar amber eyes.

Negan looked tired, wrung out, and you guessed from the way that he grunted as you hurled yourself into his arms that he was covered in bruises, but he was alive and standing right there in front of you and the world that had been spinning wildly out of control settled back on its axis, gravity dragging you back to earth where you felt like you’d floated away into the ether.

‘It’s good to see you too, doll.’

‘They told me you were dead.’

‘I thought they might’ve.’  His arms were around you, holding you tight, but then he was propelling you backwards, moving inside so he could shut the door and twist the lock back into place.  ‘I’m so sorry, sweetheart.  I got back here as fast I could.  You wouldn’t believe the fucking time I’ve had.’

‘Dwight said that Rick ran you off the road.’

‘That’s half the damn story,’ he bit out from between gritted teeth as you finally released him and moved back so you could study him in more detail, eyes roaming over his body to check for any injuries that may prove more serious.  ‘Thought I was a fucking goner for a while there, I’m not gonna lie.’

‘Are you hurt?’

‘Nothin’ that a kiss from my girl won’t fix.’

You pushed yourself up on tiptoes to press your lips to his, smiling into the kiss when he let out a low groan and tangled his fingers in your hair to draw you closer.  ‘I missed you,’ you murmured against his mouth.  ‘Don’t ever do that to me again, Negan, I swear to God-‘

‘I’m sorry.’

‘I thought he’d killed you.’

‘I know, I’m sorry.’

‘Dwight said-‘

‘You just leave that sorry bastard to me.’

‘Negan, I meant to tell you, it was Dwight that outed me to Rick.  He was the reason I got kicked out of Alexandria.  He’s working behind your back.  He wants to kill you.’  The truth spilled out in a breathless stream and you waited for Negan to fly off the handle and storm from the room, but instead he was nodding, cupping your face in his hands.

‘So, I’ve fucking heard.  Why didn’t you say anything?’

‘There just wasn’t a good time’ you confessed.  ‘It was just us and all of the shit was in the back of your head for a change and I didn’t want to drag it all up again.  I was going to tell you before you left for the Hilltop, but you went before I woke up.  I’m sorry.’

‘You have nothing to apologise for,’ he reassured you.

‘What are you gonna do?’

‘Nothing, for now.’  Dropping his hands from your face, his fingers found yours, tugging you behind him as he made his way to the bedroom, his movements stiff, each step accompanied by a sharp intake of breath.  ‘I need to lay low for a fucking minute.  I can’t lead anyone like this.’

‘Negan-‘

‘I’m okay, I promise.  Just fucking tired is all.  I’m getting too old for this shit.’

Collapsing onto the soft mattress, his fingers went to the zip of his jacket, edging it down and grimacing as he shrugged it from his shoulders.  When he tried to remove his t-shirt, a hiss of pain escaped him and you moved to help, reaching for the hem and tugging it up and over his head.

A gasp of horror caught in your throat as your gaze was drawn to the dark marks on his skin, the bruises vivid and widespread.  He was watching you with concern as you reached out to ghost your fingertips over his blackened flesh, drawing them back before you made contact, afraid to hurt him now that you’d seen the damage Rick had done.

‘Hey, I told you, I’m okay.’

He was okay.  He was alive.  But he might not have been and it was Rick that had to answer for that.  Rick that had come in and taken over control from Deanna when you’d all been perfectly content with the way things were, Rick that had failed to keep his people safe when Negan had forced a hard decision and Rick that had turfed you out with nothing, leaving you to fend for yourself alone.  He’d made mistakes, trying to resist Negan’s attempts to bring order to a chaotic world, and now he was lashing out to try and maintain his own leadership.  And he’d nearly taken the one good thing you had left.  The rage that washed over you was toxic, darkening your vision, and you had to force a smile onto your face, coaxing Negan into bed and turning off the light before curling up beside him.  ‘Just get some rest.  We’ll talk in the morning.’

‘Are you alright?’

‘I’m fine.  I’m just happy you’re here.  You’re alive and that’s all that matters.  I love you.’

‘I love you too, doll.’

‘Sleep.’

Yes, he was alive.  But he very nearly wasn’t.

 

* * *

 

When Negan’s breathing had become even, sleep stealing over him so quickly and completely that he didn’t even stir when you crept from the room, you made your escape.  From what Negan had told you in the past, Simon would be heading up the Saviors as his second-in-command, stepping up and taking the lead in the fallen boss’ place, and, from what you’d heard, that would turn the battle into a much more vicious affair with a very different agenda.  This wouldn’t be a siege; it would be a bloodbath and you were determined to throw yourself into the middle of it.  Gone were your reservations about civilians getting caught up in a war they wanted no part in.  Gone were your feelings of sorrow for the friends that had been with you since the start.  You only had one thing on your mind now and that was to make Rick pay.  You were going to the Hilltop and you were going to hunt him down in the fray and make sure he knew why as he took his last breath.  If Negan knew, he’d stop you, but, as you climbed into a car in the small lot behind the factory and rolled it up to the gates, nodding to the guards when they stopped you, he slept on.

‘Where are you heading out to at this hour?’

‘I’m going to Hilltop.’

‘Aren’t you Negan’s girl?’

‘I was.’


	28. Chapter 28

_Aren’t you Negan’s girl?_

_I was…_

The words sat heavy in your heart as you navigated the roads to the Hilltop, the taste of them bitter in your mouth.  It hadn’t come easily, playing down your connection to him, but it had been necessary.  His people thought he was dead and, from the way he’d been speaking last  night, he wanted it to stay that way until he’d had time to lick his wounds and recover his strength.  Not only that but how could you still claim to be his girl when you were doing something that you knew he would be furious at you for?  There was no way he’d have let you take up the fight if he’d known and that too weighed you down, eating away at you from the inside.  And yet, all of your guilt and regret was overwhelmed by the simmering rage beneath your skin.  Each time you considered turning around and heading back to the Sanctuary, crawling back into Negan’s bed and letting him wrap you up in his arms, you pictured the exhaustion in his eyes and the bruises that marred his skin and you’d step on the gas, forcing the car to move faster as darkness set in around you.  

You heard gunfire before the Hilltop even came into view.  The battle had begun and, when you rounded the corner and saw the familiar wooden fences, you noticed that the gates were open to welcome you.  You rolled the car to a halt at the rear of the Saviors’ convoy and slipped out into the night, stooping low as you headed inside.  Unarmed and with a twinge that still nagged at you from your sprained ankle, you kept to the shadows, darting out only to retrieve a knife from a fallen fighter that you, thankfully, didn’t recognise.  Bodies littered the ground and the coppery tang of blood assaulted your nose as you clutched your weapon to your chest.  The grounds were illuminated only by the glow of vehicle headlights making it hard to make out who was was friend and who was foe, but, as you squinted at the small groups taking cover behind whatever surface they could, you realised that Rick wasn’t amongst them.  He’d be there somewhere though, you knew.  There was no way he’d be sitting this one out.  

The trailers that served as accommodation and storage were to your right and you continued towards them, following the fenceline, listening out for that familiar Southern drawl that would get your blood boiling and your stomach churning.  He’d have the hatchet, you were sure.  His favourite weapon for cutting people down without a second thought, taking lives without sparing a moment to consider who he might be taking them from.  The very thought of it spurred you on, dodging bullets as they whistled past you, wishing you’d brought a gun so you could return fire.  Except that you didn’t want to shoot Rick.  You wanted to feel your blade sliding through his skin, wanted to see his life slipping away as his blood coated your fingers.  You needed to feel it.  

Finally, as a skirmish broke out a few yards away, you saw him.  He’d come from around the back of Barrington House, accompanied by a few others, his hatchet held high, just as you’d expected.  He let out a guttural bellow as he charged at the Saviors’ that were clustered before him, bringing the axe down again and again as he fought his way through.  He didn’t slow, didn’t stop, until each and every one was on the ground, their groans of pain mixing with the shouts from across the fields and the snarls of the undead that were being drawn in by the noise.  Time seemed to drag as you readied yourself to step from the shadows, adjusting your grip on the knife, prepared to lunge and end this, for you and for Negan.  Rick was staring round wildly, looking for the next threat, the next kill, but, when you moved into his path, he faltered, a sharp intake of breath marking his shock.

‘Didn’t expect to see you here.’

‘Really?  After what you did?’  You narrowed your eyes, staring him down, squaring up to him despite the fear that was coursing through your veins.

He sighed, shaking his head, his weapon poised in his fist.  ‘You don’t get it.  You’re blinded by…  infatuation.’

‘I love him.’

‘It isn’t love.  You can’t love a monster.’

‘Michonne does.’

His head fell back as he let out a humourless laugh.  The sounds of the fight had faded into the background leaving you behind as you faced off.  It felt like it was just the two of you and, if you were honest, that was exactly how you’d hoped it would be.  ‘Does he know you’re here?’

Your jaw tightened, though you were fighting your reactions, determined not to give too much away, but Rick noticed.  Of course, he noticed.  

‘Now, that’s a pretty dumb decision you’ve made.  You know what people get when they disobey him?  They get burned.  Or worse.  You think he won’t do it to you, do you?  Think just because you’re letting him put his hands on you that he’ll make an exception?’

You remained silent.  He was goading you, trying to push you into making a reckless mistake.  You weren’t about to let that happen.

‘You know Dwight’s working with us,’ he continued, taking a step closer to you.  ‘It’s not too late for you to do the same.  Help us.  Help us to win this.’

‘And what?  We’ll all live happily ever after when it’s over?  You wanted to kill me, Rick!  You threw me out with nothing-’

‘I was angry!’

‘Yeah, well, now I’m angry!’  You brought your knife up before you, ready to strike as a cruel smirk spread over your face.  ‘I’m going to kill you and I want you to know that it’s for him.  It’s all for him!’

You lurched forward, ready to plunge the blade into his heart, bringing your arm down to slash and tear at his flesh but you were brought up short by a pressure at the base of your neck.  A sharp pain wormed its way down your spine as the point of the bolt broke the skin, the archer’s breath ruffling your hair as he lurked behind you, his finger hovering over the trigger mechanism.  

‘Drop the knife,’ came the soft growl in your ear.

‘No.’

The sharpened point dug into you further and you whimpered as the blade fell from your hand.  ‘On yer knees.’

Rick was advancing on you now, his hand on your shoulder, forcing you to the ground.  When you glanced around, Daryl was still standing there, his bow trained on you as though he expected you to make a run for it.  But there was no way that was going to happen.  You knew your ankle wouldn’t allow it for a start, but you also knew that they would never let you make it back to the Sanctuary.  It was over.  But if you were going out, you were going to take Rick with you.  

As the sheriff dropped into a crouch before you, the smugness behind his eyes infuriating, you threw your body forward knocking him to the ground, hand scrabbling blindly for your knife, but a swift kick to your stomach from Daryl’s boot had you rolling onto your back, breathless as Rick’s hand closed around your throat.  

‘Stop, Y/N!  Just stop!’ he commanded, fingers tensing on your windpipe and making your head spin.

In your mind’s eye you could see Negan: laughing as you lay in bed together in your little hideaway house; the struggle on his face as he fought to keep his temper with you, unwilling to unleash his wrath and scare you away; sleeping, vulnerable and exposed, the tension gone from his body as he rested.  You wished more than anything that he was there now, to protect you, to fight for you, to say goodbye.  But it wasn’t to be and at least he would know that you went out trying to put down the man that had tried to end him.  ‘If you’re going to kill me, just do it.’

An unspoken conversation seemed to pass between Rick and Daryl as they hovered over you, and you waited for the impact that would steal you from this place, but, to your surprise it never came.  Instead, you were hauled to your feet, your wrists tugged behind your back and bound with cable ties that Daryl had pulled from his pocket, and then you were being propelled towards the big house, one hand over your head to keep you low as you ducked beneath the bullets that whizzed through the air, stumbling through the grass.  

‘What are you doing?’ you gasped as you were shoved forcefully up the steps, a large hand steering you and keeping you upright.  

‘We’re not gonna kill you,’ came Rick’s raspy response.  ‘Not yet, at least.  If Negan cares for you as much as you think he does, then you could end all of this.  So, we’re gonna keep hold of you for now.’

 

* * *

 

Negan stood in the centre of a ring of silence.  He wasn’t quite sure how he got there.  In fact, as he glanced down at the body that lay at his feet, he wasn’t even sure he could remember the fight.  Only the smarting of various cuts and bruises told him that he’d taken part in one.  That and the body, of course.  Lifeless eyes staring up at him from a reddened face.  Bruising blossoming around the throat.  Yeah, it had been him alright and it had been a damn dirty fight.

Everything had been a blur since Dwight had sought him out.  His return to the fold, miraculously alive, had been overshadowed somewhat by the news of Simon’s reckless attack on the Hilltop community.  At first it had just been the news of the losses that had riled him up, good men slaughtered in the heat of the battle, but then D had delivered the real game changer - Rick had Y/N.  He’d known when he’d woken up alone that something was wrong, had felt it deep in his bones, but it wasn’t until that moment that he let panic wash over him.  

‘How the hell did it happen?’ he’d managed to choke out, but Dwight had just shaken his head.

‘I don’t know, boss.  I didn’t even realise she was there ‘til I saw Rick and Daryl pushing her towards the house.  There was nothing I could do.’

Nothing he could do.  Filthy, backstabbing son of a bitch…  Negan had almost swung for him right then and there.  It had been lucky that Lucille had been lying on his desk on the other side of the room or it would have been goodbye Dwightyboy.  But the inability to act on instinct had forced him to think and that had led him to the conclusion that Dwight could be useful if he played it out right. That pent-up rage needed to be unleashed somewhere though, and Simon… well, it just made sense.  He’d gone against Negan’s explicit commands, jumped into the driving seat as soon as he thought his boss was out of the picture and undone all of the Saviors’ hard work in a matter of minutes.  The whole system only worked if death was used sparingly, as a punishment.  The massacre at The Heaps and now at Hilltop…  Dammit, it was too much!

And now, Simon was dead and Negan’s people were staring at him with a mixture of fear and respect that had snapped him out of his daze and forced him to become the leader once more.

‘Hang him on the fence,’ he instructed as he made to move through the crowd, nodding when they parted to form a path for him.  ‘Then come see me in my office.  We’ve got work to do.’


	29. Chapter 29

Darkness.

Only darkness.

No sense of time passing. Barely able to see your hand in front of your face. The pungent stench of rotting turnips hanging heavy in the air. Occasionally the sound of voices and the thud of footsteps drifted in from the world outside, but otherwise you were alone, trapped and chained. There was only one thought whirling around in your mind, one face that haunted you whenever you tried to sleep, one fact that turned your veins to ice whenever you allowed the reality of your situation to sink in: Negan. They were going to use you to hurt him, to bring about his downfall and to force him into a defeat that would destroy everything.

You’d thought that they might question you when they’d led you into Barrington House in the midst of the battle, quiz you on positions and numbers and tactics, but instead they’d just tied you up to keep you out of the way.  When the Saviors had retreated, left on the backfoot by the Hilltop’s preparations, you’d been dragged down into one of the storage cellars and left there.  Occasionally somebody would descend into the gloom to bring you food and water, meagre rations designed just to keep you alive, but they never spoke, never made eye contact.  The isolation was suffocating but worse was the thought of what was to come.

You had no idea how long you’d been locked away when the heavy wooden doors were pulled open, letting light flood in to the chamber below.  It was painfully bright after so long in the dark, and you could only squint into the glare, blinking to try to clear your vision.  A broad figure descending the stairs cast a shadow across you, giving you time to adjust, but the doors were closed behind them again moments later, and the darkness returned.  The heavy thuds of the figure’s boots against the floor drew closer, a raspy breath cutting through the stale air and you tensed, unable to tell who it was that was moving towards you.

Thick fingers tangled in your hair, yanking you upright, and your leg muscles spasmed in complaint after too many days curled up on the ground.  The sting in your scalp brought a whimper from your throat and you wrestled against the grip, stilling when that only increased the painful sensation.

‘Shut up.’

The distinctive Southern growl gave away the identity of your attacker and you brought your hands up to grasp the front of his shirt, shoving at him to try and force him to relinquish his hold.  ‘D-Daryl, please, don’t-‘

‘I said shut up.’  As suddenly as he’d hauled you to your feet, he released you and you slumped back to the floor, trying to crawl away from him, to put some distance between you before realising that, of course, you had nowhere to go.

‘What are you doing?’

‘S’nearly time.  Gotta send a message.’

Your breath caught in your throat as his simple words sent you down a nauseating spiral of fear.  ‘Time?  T-time for what?’

You heard the archer sigh loudly, saw a flame flicker into life as he lit up a cigarette, the glow illuminating his features.  He looked tired, you thought, ragged.  When he’d first come to Alexandria, he’d looked uncomfortable, like he wanted to be anywhere else, like he was trapped in his skin and hating every second.  The vibe you got from him now was similar but with an added sense of desolation, an emptiness that only came from forcing your emotions down for far too long.  It hurt your heart to see it.  You’d always had a lot of time for Daryl and he’d been patient with you, never judging you as you’d struggled to face up to the world that his group was forcing you to see, taking you outside the fences to test the fighting skills that he and Glenn had taught you against the walkers wandering the woods.  You knew that Negan had hurt him, that Dwight in particular had been vicious during Daryl’s time as their captive.  He’d been a victim of Rick’s inability to accept a world where he wasn’t in charge, and you hated it.  ‘Big fight’s comin’.  We’re gon’ end it this time.’

‘End it?’

‘We gotta kill him, Y/N.  He’s gotta die.’

You swallowed hard as bile rose up in your throat.  ‘No!’  At Daryl’s grunt, you forced down your protestations, taking a deep breath to calm yourself.  ‘How?’

‘Dwight fed us some intel.  Reckons we can get the upper hand if we move now.’

At that you let out a harsh bark of laughter, unable to keep the smirk from your face.  ‘And you trust him?’

‘Nah, but Rick does.’

‘Even after what he did to you?’

‘He was followin’ orders.’

‘Are you sure about that?’  In all honesty, you had no idea if Dwight had been following orders or not.  It wouldn’t surprise you if Negan had encouraged his lieutenant to push the archer to his limits.  He wanted to break him after all, push him into making the decision to join the Saviors’ ranks.  He’d believed that Daryl would thrive under his leadership, though on that you were inclined to disagree.  Negan wanted soldiers and Daryl, though strong and brave and smart, would never willingly follow orders from anyone other than Rick, and the sheriff only had that privilege because of the bond they’d built up over the years.  Even if Dwight had succeeded in forcing his hand, it would only have been a matter of time before Daryl ran.  ‘Is it really that different to what you and Rick did to me?’

‘Yeah, it is.’

‘You think?  You had protection, food, water…’  You tailed off as he dropped the butt of his cigarette and ground it out with his heel.  The air had become thick with smoke as he’d toked on it and you knew it wouldn’t dissipate anytime soon.  ‘You left me out there alone with nothing.  No supplies, no way to defend myself.’

‘Ya weren’t there.  Ya don’ know.’

‘No, you’re right, I don’t,’ you agreed. ‘But what I do know is that, even if one of his people let him down, he would never just throw them out with nothing.  He might not make their life easy, and you can be damn sure he’ll use them to set an example, but he wouldn’t just leave them to die.’

Silence.  Stalemate.  There were no right or wrong answers here, just two lost souls fighting for the survival of the people they loved.  Except you were locked up and he was the one with the key.

‘Are we going now?’ you asked finally, turning wide eyes on Daryl who had skulked into a corner as though he couldn’t stand being so close to you for another second.

You sensed rather than saw him shake his head.  ‘First light.’

‘So, why did you come down here?’

His footsteps crossed the floor towards you again and then he was crouching in front of you, leaning forward to grip your chin.  ‘Rick wants t’ send a message.  Reckons we can force Negan into doin’ somethin’ stupid if we get him riled up.’

He didn’t say it but you got what he was driving towards and, for the second time that day, a humourless laugh bubbled from your chest.  ‘Do what you have to do, Daryl.  Just try not to do anything that’ll leave a scar, okay?’

He huffed in frustration, ducking his head to avoid your gaze.  ‘D’ya remember when Deanna first took us in?  Ya were the first one that came to us ‘n’ asked us to teach ya to fight.’

‘I remember.’

‘Ya looked scared t’ death.  Thought ya’d give up soon as Glenn put that rifle in yer hands but ya din’t.  Ya stuck at it ‘n’ ya was damn good at it too.’

‘I had good teachers.’  You cleared your throat, unwilling to let nostalgia weaken you or bend you to Daryl’s will.  ‘You know why I wanted to learn to fight?’

‘Why?’

‘To protect myself.’

‘Tha’s smart.’

‘To protect myself from Rick.’  It was brutal honesty and it brought the archer’s eyes up to meet yours again, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as he processed the truth.  ‘I saw him beat Pete half to death and I was terrified.  Stuff like that didn’t happen in Alexandria until you guys arrived.  And then suddenly Deanna was being pushed into making concessions for you, and Rick was parading the streets in that damn sheriff’s uniform, and I was scared that one day I’d make a mistake and he’d come after me like he went after Dr Anderson.’

Pushing himself to his feet, the archer was shrouded in darkness once again, but whatever reply he was about to bite out was cut off when the doors at the top of the stairs were hauled open.

‘Daryl, everything okay down there?’  Rick’s outline was visible against the daylight, though you couldn’t see his face.  The archer turned his back on you, crossing the cellar in two strides and starting up the stairs towards his comrade.  You could hear the hushed conversation that was taking place between the two men, Daryl’s voice growing  louder as the exchange went on, fraught with tension.

‘I can’ do it, man.  M’sorry.’

‘It’s okay.  You’re too close.  I should never have asked you.’

‘We should be workin’ on the plan, figurin’ out how we’re gonna take down Negan.  Not roughin’ up one of ours.’

‘She’s not one of us anymore, Daryl.  She’s made that pretty clear.’  You could feel Rick’s seething hatred even with him out of sight and you recoiled, huddling against the wall as you waited for your fate to be decided.  ‘The best way to get to Negan is to use her.’

‘So, jus’ hold a gun to her head.  That oughta do it.’

‘No.  He won’t believe we’ll go through with it unless he can see that we’ve already put her through something.’

‘Then ya gotta find someone else.’

‘Alright.’  A few beats of silence had you straining to figure out whether they were still there, though the doors remained open, and then Rick’s voice came again, a loud holler as he summoned someone to take Daryl’s place.  ‘Rosita!  I’ve got a job for you.’

 

* * *

 

Negan was beaming as he stood in the centre of the factory’s loading dock and watched his people go to work.  There was finally a plan in motion and that meant that he was just hours away from getting his girl back.  He hadn’t slept since Dwight had broken the news to him, hadn’t eaten.  He was relying on a concoction of whiskey and painkillers to get him through each day and it was pure need and adrenaline that spurred him onwards.

Dwight, double-crossing snake that he was, would have already passed on the fake plan to Rick, enticing him in to an ambush that he wouldn’t see coming.  It would mean sacrificing some of his own, but - Negan nodded to the passing canon fodder as they headed for their car, blissfully unaware - it would be worth it.  War came with casualties and, at this point, as long as Y/N wasn’t one of them, he’d consider it a win.

By the end of the day she’d be back in his arms and Ricky Dicky Grimes would be dead, his flesh dripping blood as it hung from Lucille’s barbs.  Hell, she was thirsty as shit and he wasn’t going to deny her.  She’d been waiting for a taste of the asshole sheriff for far too long and today she was going to get her fill of him, that was for sure.  He’d tried to be reasonable, he’d tried to get the message across with minimal loss of life, but some people were too damn stupid to accept change and so now it was time to bring out the big guns, quite literally.

Eugene was observing as a couple of Negan’s men loaded crates of bullets into the back of one of the trucks, filled with a confidence that he hadn’t had until Negan had given him a little power and space to let his genius mind run riot.  And now, Alexandria’s downfall would be brought about by one of their own in a bid to save another of their own.  There was a beautiful symmetry there somewhere that he was sure he would appreciate when the haze of fury, exhaustion and liquor lifted.  As soon as he had Y/N back.

‘We’re ready, sir,’ Arat called across to him, the activity diminishing as the crowd scrambled to take their seats in the convoy, leaving the passenger seat in the lead truck free for him.

He hauled himself up, taking a moment to look out over the army he’d put together, ready to fight, to give their lives to protect the new world order, and their assured victory had him slamming Lucille down onto the metal roof with a resounding clang that echoed through the building.  ‘Let’s roll out!’

It was time to go fight for his girl.


	30. Chapter 30

‘Well, damn, Rick, look at that.’  It had worked.  Goddamn, even as he’d rallied his men and let hope propel him onwards, Negan had had his doubts as to whether Rick and his band of pricks would actually fall for the double cross, and yet here they were, gathered beneath him at the foot of the hill.  He squinted into the sunlight, searching the faces in the crowd, growling in frustration when he couldn’t pick Y/N out.  She had to be there. There was no damn way Rick showed up to this thing without bringing her along. ‘Pegged again.  Pegged so very hard.  I ambushed your ambush with an even bigger ambush.’

He knew he was talking shit, biding his time, rambling into the loudspeaker clutched in his hand, waiting for Rick to grow impatient and make a move.  The sheriff obviously knew it too, though he wasn’t about to be pushed in to playing his hand too early.  ‘How about you step out and face us?’

‘Oh, I am everywhere, Rick.  Some more bullhorns, more walkies.  Pick a direction to run. See how you do.  Make it fun for all of us.’  It was true that he had them surrounded.  The high ground gave him an advantage and he could take them out at any given moment, but he wouldn’t take the risk until he knew exactly where his girl was.  Time to bring out the big guns, start the game and wait for Rick to pick up where he left off.  ‘Guess what else I did.  I brought you some of your old friends.  You remember your old buddy Eugene?’  He tipped his head toward his bullet-maker, smirking when he shifted uncomfortably.  Hell, it couldn’t be easy lording it over the people he’d betrayed.  ‘Well, he is the person that made today possible.  Same goes for Dwightyboy here.’  The scar-faced ex-lieutenant had had the shit kicked out of him once or twice since Negan had confronted him about his actions.  He could barely stand, but it had been necessary to bring him along anyway, just to prove a point.  ‘In case you were wondering, he didn’t ream you on purpose.  No, he is just a gutless nothing that sucks at life, and now he gets to stand up here and watch you all die, and he’s gonna have to live with that.’  And then the preacher’s turn.  That would be the one that really hurt, he figured, the one that might get Rick to bring Y/N to the front and throw her in Negan’s face.  ‘Gabriel, well, he’s got to go too.  We are cleaning house today, Rick.’  Still nothing, and Negan felt himself growing frustrated, gritting his teeth as impatience tightened his grip on his gun.  ‘And then there’s you.  It never had to be a fight. You just had to accept how things are.  So, here we go.’

‘Stop.’  Rick’s voice echoed through the open space as he stepped forward.  Finally.  ‘You’re not the only one who brought old friends to the fight.’

‘Well, now, isn’t that interesting.’  Negan wasn’t even sure why he was feigning nonchalance when every cell in his body was straining to close the distance between him and the struggling figure that was now being dragged from the rear of the group to be dumped unceremoniously at Rick’s feet.  It was the only way he knew to fight against his desperation, to keep his mind on the task in hand instead of making a stupid, reckless mistake.  His resolve almost broke though, when the canvas bag that had been covering her head was removed and his breath caught in his throat as he took in the state of her. ‘Well, shit, Rick, it sure doesn’t look like you played by the rules now, does it?  Look at your people up here with barely a scratch on ‘em.  Except Dwight of course, but he’s had enough warnings to know what happens when he tries to fuck me over.  So, tell me, what in the hell did you do to my girl down there?’

Her eyes were blackened, the skin around them puffy, and he could just make out vivid red cuts across her cheeks.  She was trying to stand, only making it on to her knees when Rick wrapped a hand around the back of her neck and tugged her up, holding her in front of him as though she were on display.  ‘She betrayed us.  She’s had her fair share of warnings.’

‘Well, sure, but…’  The anger that had been simmering deep in his stomach had been stoked by the sight of her and now, watching as Rick manhandled her, fighting against her attempts to wriggle from his grasp, only added fuel to the fire.  His self control slipped away as she let out a yelp of pain and his voice boomed through the loudspeaker as he lost his temper.  ‘Dammit, she wanted to protect you, Rick!  Even after you kicked her ass outta there with nothing, she still didn’t want me to burn that sweet little community of yours to the ground.  She said no to me because she wanted to make sure I wouldn’t take out the civilians in your town and… ‘  He tailed off as Rick moved closer, forcing her ahead of him, though she was still on her knees.  ‘Shit, look what you’ve done to her!’

‘She chose her side.’  Rick was cold and unfeeling, and Negan realised for the first time that it was the sheriff that now held the upper hand, remaining calm and controlled whilst he crumbled.

‘Because you forced her fucking hand.  She didn’t want this!’

‘None of us wanted this.  This is on you!’

No.  No, that was too much.  It was one thing to beat on his girl, to cut up her pretty face to prove a damn point, but it was another entirely to put the responsibility for that on his shoulders.  ‘All you had to do was follow the goddamn rules!’

‘Put your guns down.’

‘Let her go!’ Negan roared.

‘Not ‘til you tell your people to surrender.’  Rick was standing his ground, the people behind him unflinching as they kept their weapons trained on the ridge.  For just a second, Negan faltered, unsure of the way forward, but then the cool metal of Rick’s Python was being pressed to the back of Y/N’s skull and rage flashed through him, white hot.  ‘I’m gonna kill her, Negan.  I’m gonna do it right in front of you and then, when she’s gone, I’m gonna kill you.  This ends today!  It didn’t have to be like this!’

‘Don’t you lay another finger on her, dick!’  He knew his face was red, could feel the veins in his forehead pulsing as he spat the words out, half-commanding, half-pleading.

‘Put down the guns.’

‘Shit!’  He turned his head, taking in the determined stance of his Saviors, all of whom were watching him, waiting on him for a signal, needing him to lead them.  ‘Open fire!  Don’t hit the girl!’

The countryside erupted in a blast of gunfire, but it was his people that were falling. Negan’s finger flinched on the trigger and his pistol sparked into life with a flash of light, the weapon exploding in his hand and sending a burst of pain shooting up his arm.  For a moment, he couldn’t make sense of it, of what was happening, and his eyes fell on Eugene, disbelieving until he saw the self-satisfied smile on the bastard’s face.  Things snapped into place in an instant and Negan’s bellow of fury could be heard over the wounded groans of his men and the shouts of their attackers as they advanced up the hill.  ‘Eugene!’

He stared wildly round, trying to find a way out, a way to take back control over the situation, but his people were being forced to the ground, and, in the chaos, he realised he’d lost track of Y/N.  ‘W-Where-?  No!  Where is she?’

A strangled cry had him spinning round, and he finally spotted her, being dragged along the ground behind Rick as he strode away from the battle, her legs scrabbling for purchase on the grass beneath her.  ‘ Stop!’

Negan gave chase, stooping to retrieve Lucille from where she’d fallen to the ground at his side, and pounding across the open field, closing the gap between him and the sheriff, who was eliciting shouts of pain from Y/N, driving Negan onwards as they left the fight behind. He stumbled over the uneven ground, briefly losing sight of his target when he nearly fell, only to look up and find Y/N’s body crumpled at the bottom of a thick tree-trunk maybe fifty yards away, with Rick nowhere to be seen.

He slowed his pace, suddenly wary, but his need to hold her, to check on her and take her into his arms overwhelmed his sense of self-preservation and he continued on, not stopping until he fell to his knees at her side.

‘Y/N, sweetheart, I-‘

Watery eyes met his, panic and misery mingling in her expression and breaking his heart, and he reached out to cup her face just as she let out a startled yell.  ‘Negan!  Look out!’

Negan ducked just in time to feel the momentum of Rick’s hatchet whistle over his head, burying itself in the thick bark just millimetres from his skull.  He twisted, already waiting for the next strike, to find Rick standing over him with a malicious grin on his face.

‘Looks like it’s just you and me.’  Instead of reaching for Negan again, Rick moved around him, pulling his pistol from his holster once again and yanking Y/N up his body until her back was flush with his chest.

‘Let her go,’ Negan growled, pushing himself back to his feet, adjusting his grip on Lucille as he circled the sheriff, trying to find an opening that would allow him to make a move without Y/N being between them.

‘Or what?’ Rick taunted him.  ‘It’s over, Negan.  Your people are on their knees back there.’

Negan didn’t care.  He couldn’t think about them, about his soldiers, when his girl was squirming in Rick’s grasp.  ‘I said let her go.’

‘Negan-‘  Her cry was cut short when the arm that had been anchoring her to Rick slipped to her throat, cutting off her air and forcing a choked sound from her when she tried to scream.

‘Let her go!’  His pleas only seemed to spur Rick on as he tightened his hold, and, with a vivid flashback to his fight with Simon, Negan realised that her neck would snap before she had a chance to suffocate.  He was out of options.  He had to do something!  ‘Alright, stop! I surrender!’

‘What was that?  I didn’t quite hear-‘

‘I said I fucking surrender!’  The words tasted bitter in Negan’s mouth and when Lucille dropped from his outstretched fingers to hit the ground at an angle and bounce off to the side, he felt bereft at the absence, at the loss of the power that she gave him, but Y/N’s skin had turned an unnatural shade of red-purple and his fear for her overcame every other instinct.  ‘Now, let her go!’

Rick finally released her and she collapsed to the floor in front of him, coughing and spluttering as she sucked oxygen into her lungs, crawling towards him as he reached out for her.  When his fingers found the overheated skin of her arms, he pulled her the rest of the way, hauling her over the ground and cradling her against him, too panicked to worry about hurting her any further.

‘Negan, I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.’  She was crying, fat, salty tears that poured down her cheeks and dripped into her hands as she clung on to the soft leather of his jacket.

‘You don’t have to be, doll.  It’s okay.  I’ve got you.’

‘I love you.’  Her eyes locked on his, desperate, wanting, and he let her pull herself up enough to kiss him, the taste of her misery breaking his heart all over again as she trembled in his embrace.

‘I love you, too.  It’s alright, I promise you, you’re gonna be alright.’

A crowd had gathered behind them as he’d begged for his girl’s life, his Saviors held at gunpoint with their hands raised, and the army that had brought them down.  Rick watched on, nodding slowly to himself as he processed that he’d finally won the victory that he’d deemed important enough to sacrifice so many lives for, too many, on both sides.  Negan grit his teeth and focused on the warmth of her body, letting it ground him as he whispered meaningless promises into her ear.  He only wished he had the power to make any of them come true.  But from here on out, their lives weren’t in his hands.


	31. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It’s all over and what a journey it has been. I have loved every second of writing this story so I just want to say a huge thank you to everybody that’s been following along. Thank you to everyone that’s thrown kudos my way or commented (even if I didn't respond due to not getting the notification until weeks later!)... Thank you especially to the gorgeous @negans-wife on Tumblr who gave me the original idea and let me run away with her request and throw in a whole heap of angst and drama! I hope you like the ending and, please remember, any and all feedback is welcomed! Here we go…

You woke to the gentle rise and fall of Negan’s chest beneath your head, his familiar leathery musk wrapping itself around you as you breathed in deep.  The small bunk that you shared was too narrow to be able to sleep in without draping yourself over him, limbs entwined, fingers laced together, but that wasn’t something that either of you minded. Touching Negan was a luxury that you’d missed for too long and now it was letting go that you found most difficult, missing him even when he was just a metre away from you.

You’d been surprised when you’d been led down into the dank basement and shepherded in to the small cell, both at the fact that Rick was allowing you to stay together and at his seemingly miraculous decision to keep you both alive.  You’d been sure as he’d stood over you that day, the day of the Saviors’ surrender, that you were being brought back to Alexandria for a public execution, so this really was so much more than you’d ever hoped for.  He had his reasons, you’d found out, his son’s dying wish forcing him to let mercy prevail over his wrath, but it wasn’t a popular decision by any means and you knew he would be facing a backlash from his people.

When you’d looked at him questioningly, wondering why you were being imprisoned together when surely that was far less of a punishment than splitting you up, Rick had simply smirked at you. ‘We’ve only got one cell.  Besides, this is all still pretty new for the two of you.  With any luck you’ll drive each other so crazy that you end up killing each other and save me the trouble.’

You and Negan had cast each other a wry look at that.  Not a chance.  Yeah, it was new and you still had a lot to learn about how to be together, what made the other tick and what trigger points would send each of you into a downward spiral, but there was something between you that neither one of you could explain.  You’d both felt it that day in the forecourt of that little gas station when Negan had come to your rescue, and it had driven you both to take risks that you would never have imagined taking for a relationship so new that you hadn’t had the chance to define it yet.  Your connection had overcome rules, loyalties, betrayal and brought a war to an end, and now… This was the easy part.

Your biggest fear had been that Negan would be mad at you.  After all, it was your reckless decision to go after Rick by yourself that had led to your capture and his ultimate defeat, but his relief at having you back alive had overshadowed any blame that might have been assigned.  When you’d tried to bring it up, he’d hushed you gently and held you close.  ‘I’ve got you, doll.  Nothing else matters.’  That wasn’t to say that he didn’t have his dark days at first - of course he did.  He’d lost so much and you knew that he worried for the community that he’d left behind, but there was nothing he could do about any of it, and you found that you were always able to bring him back to you before he sank into a pit of despair, finding it easier and easier to coax him out of his depression as time went on.

As he stirred beneath you now, you turned your head, pressing soft kisses over his chest before trailing your lips up his throat, smiling when you heard him let out a satisfied groan.

‘Morning, doll.’

‘Morning, handsome.’

‘How’d you sleep?’

‘Like a baby.’  You nuzzled against his scruff, finally capturing his lips and taking what you really wanted, sinking into him with a hum of contentment.

‘So, what do you want to do today?’

You stretched against him, wrinkling your nose in mock-thought before you replied.  ‘Well, I thought we could take a long shower, head out and grab some brunch, maybe catch a movie-‘

‘Shit, doll, I had no idea you were so damn funny.’  Negan grinned against your lips as you kissed him again, rolling on top of him as he shifted sideways to centre himself on the mattress.

‘Fine, then I guess we could just stay in bed all day and do this.’  This time when your mouth met his it was hungrier, and you laced your fingers into his hair, tugging on it gently when he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you impossibly closer.

‘Now, that is the best idea you’ve had since yesterday.’

Little tendrils of bliss were curling themselves around your veins, snaking through your body to set every inch of you alight, as large hands smoothed over your skin, muscles shifting as you were rolled onto your back, pinned to the bed as Negan’s weight settled over you.  You’d never tire of this, you thought, even if it was how you’d spend every day for the rest of eternity.  Every touch felt new, every kiss like the first, because that was just the type of man Negan was.  He excited you and exhilarated you, and you thought he was the only person that you’d want to be trapped with for the rest of your life.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Negan rasped in your ear, noticing how your breathy gasps evened out despite the havoc he was wreaking.  ‘What’s on that busy little mind of yours, princess?’

‘You,’ you admitted.  ‘What you do to me.  How much I love you.  I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone that’s felt like mine before, you know?’

His dark eyes were warm as they gazed down at you and the intensity behind them took your breath away.

‘I fucking love being yours.’  Another intoxicating kiss had you writhing beneath him, though he broke away to murmur in your ear.  ‘And you, sweetheart, are… all… mine.’  Each word was punctuated with the brush of his lips over your skin as he edged downwards, hands teasing as his beard scratched against you.

That was the last that either of you spoke for a while.

 

* * *

 

The thud of footsteps on the stairs stirred you from your post-coital haze and you raised your head from Negan’s shoulder to see Rick approaching, a frown creasing his brow as he took in the peaceful expressions on your faces, the thin sheet that covered your naked bodies.  Still, he pressed on, dragging a stool from one corner of the room and positioning himself in front of the cell, running a hand through his hair.  ‘It’s been a while since we had one of these talks.’

‘Can’t say I’ve missed you, prick,’ Negan drawled, a low growl rumbling in his throat when you curled into his side, hand skimming over his chest, uninterested in anything the sheriff had to say.

‘I’ll try to keep it short, but you’re up late anyway, and it’s past time I get you up to speed.  Today was day thirty-five.’

‘Thirty-five?’  That caught your interest and you eased yourself up on one elbow, grinning down at Negan as he gazed up at you, one arm tucked behind his head.  ‘Well, we haven’t killed each other yet.’  You ducked your head to kiss him, feeling him smile against your lips.  

‘Things are really taking shape.’  Rick continued, though you could see a tension in his jaw now as he fought to ignore your sweet moment.  ‘It wasn’t that long ago we were fighting just to stay alive.  But it’s not like that anymore.  We’re building.  We’re growing.’

‘And we’re just real fucking happy for you,’ Negan cut him off, casting him a frustrated look even as his fingers ghosted up your spine.  ‘But, if you don’t mind giving us a little privacy, the only thing I give a shit about anymore is my girl here.  You people up there, building a future…  How long d’ya think it’s gonna be before somebody or something else comes along to tear it down, huh?  It’ll happen, I can promise you that.  But this…’  He tugged you down for another kiss, breathing you in, his hand sliding up your neck to tangle in your hair.  ‘This is what it’s all about, Rick.  This is the fucking future right here.’

You couldn’t help but notice the exhaustion that was painted over Rick’s features as he sighed, easing himself up and kicking the stool aside with the heel of his dirt-crusted boot, and you wondered who was the real victor here: Negan, locked away with the woman he loved, or Rick, left to pick up the pieces and start anew.  As the sheriff turned back to you, an unreadable expression flashing across his features, you almost would have believed that he might be thinking the same thing.  Still, you couldn’t fight the serene smile that quirked your mouth as he stalked back towards the stairs, throwing his parting shot over his shoulder.  ‘The two of you deserve each other.’

‘Yeah, we do,’ Negan purred, pulling you back in for another kiss as he rolled to face you, hitching your leg over his waist, his eyes darkening as you shifted closer.  ‘You’re my happy fucking ending, doll.’

And he was yours, always.


End file.
